Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Evening Masturbation Roll

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Men Think Women In Red Are More Likely To Put Out

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Michael Jordon Lists Multi-Wing Mega-Mansion

SELLER: Michael Jordon
LOCATION: Highland Park, IL
PRICE: $29,000,000
SIZE: 32,683 square feet, 9 bedrooms, 15 full and 4 half bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Simmer down tater tots. We know we're a bit late to this particular rodeo. That's because, for better and/or worse, Your Mama spent this morning frying up a very different celebrity real estate fish.

While Your Mama got busy shucking, jiving and making petty jabs about Little Kimmy Kardashian and her recent (and alleged) real estate activities, the celebrity real estate pooper scoopers over at The Wall Street Journal revealed that long-ago-retired but still much-beloved professional basketballer and sports world entrepreneur Michal Jordon pushed his multi-wing mega-mansion in the upscale Chicago suburb of Highland Park (IL) on the market with a super-sized and publicity-ensuring $29,000,000 asking price.

Even Your Mama, who does not know a tight end from a power forward in the athletic sense, knows well that Mister Michael Jordan is one of America's most adored, accomplished, and highly paid professional athletes and product endorsers with a half billion dollar-plus fortune and fat property portfolio to prove it.

Mister Jordan was expensively divorced from his first wife Juanita in 2007; It reportedly cost him close to $170,000,000 or, seen another way, ten million clams for every 17 years they were married. At about the time of their legal severance of marital ties the family's long-time Highland Park estate was transferred in to a trust. Unfortunately, Your Mama has no specific intel about whether Mister Jordan (along with his new fiancée Yvett Prieto) or ex-Missus Jordon occupied and maintained the premises over the last five years. Whatever the case, the suburban estate with its mall-sized mansion is now up for grabs.

The electronically-controlled front gates bear the number 23, which Your Mama thought might be the property's street address until we did a little due diligence and discovered '23' was the number that appeared on Mister Jordan's jersey throughout his illustrious career on the hardwoods. The gates swing open to a tree-lined black top drive that swoops across the thoroughly landscaped 7.29 acre estate and around to a massive, tree-shaded circular drive that has far more in common with the motor court out front of some random resort hotel than it does the driveway of average American home. The snaking drive continues beyond the circular drive, past two separate (but attached), climate-controlled, three car garages, curves around to a pair of small parking lots and winds up at a rear motor court where there appears to be another three-bay, climate-controlled garage.
 
Listing information shows Mister Jordan's mega-mansion measures in at a titanic 32,683 square feet with a total of 9 bedrooms and 15 full and 4 half bathrooms. It doesn't take a bejeweled abacus to figure out that's a total of 19 terlits, an amount that ensures the owner/resident of this beast of a house employ a full-time minimum wager tasked only to locate and lave all 19 bathrooms on a twice weekly basis. The Wall Street Journal pegged the manse at "more than 56,000 square feet of space," an figure we think—but can not confirm—probably includes the colossal compound's "indoor basketball complex" and "three bedroom guesthouse."

The Wall Street Journal also reported the mansion was constructed between 1993 and 1995 and images show it retains its original, well maintained and liberally curvaceous 1980s-minded exterior articulation. The interior was extensively renovated in 2009 with a decidedly sleek and very contemporary aspect that skews vaguely corporate due in part to the large scale of some of the rooms. Interior spaces, according to listing information, marketing materials and/or previous reports, include hotel ballroom-proportioned 1,056 square living room and an almost 800 square foot family room with floor-to-ceiling glass sliders on two opposite walls and a massive triangular sky light that runs like a spine down the center of the 37-foot long room.

A circular dining area's soaring ceiling is topped by an octagonal sky light and the adjacent, sculptural kitchen has a huge center island (with cook top) that appears to float in the center of the room, full-height pantry and storage cabinets, and—one imagines—the most expensive appliances money can buy. We realize this kitchen will not appeal to those who see kitchens as the emotional heart of the home but for all those folks who prefer their cooking centers be more Maserati than mini-van, this one will surely make them pee their pants with culinary equipment desire.

Listing information indicates Mister Jordan's mansion also contains a 500-plus square foot second level library, a 600-plus square foot den on the main level, an office and a study also on the main level, and at least one laundry room the size of what would pass for a good-sized bedroom in a modest suburban ranch house.

The various and vast patios and terraces that extend off the back of the house drop down to high-maintenance manicured grounds that encompass acres of flat lawns with an amoebic putting green, tucked away tennis court, suggestively-shaped deep-water pond, and a children's playground with two elaborate jungle gyms. Both The WSJ and listing information we peeped indicate Mister Jordan's estate includes a swimming pool although we're unable to locate it listing photos and/or aerial images of the property.

The property's pièce de résistance—and also perhaps it's bête noire due to the obvious fact that so few people in the Chicago area who can afford it will actually want to own or maintain it—would most certainly be the fully custom, state-of-the-art indoor basketball complex completed in 2001 and equipped with, as per The WSJ, "a full-size regulation basketball court with specially cushioned hardwood flooring, adjustable backstops and baskets and competition-quality, high-intensity lighting. The complex has a sound system tuned to provide perfect acoustics within the court space."

As best as we know from our research, in addition to the Highland Park beast Mister Jordan heaved on to the market this week His Airness currently maintains a penthouse pad in Charlotte, NC (where he's part owner of some professional basketball team or another that we know nothing about), a major mansion in the a gated, golf community in Jupiter, FL that is either newly completed ought to soon be completed, and a substantial ski house on almost 4 acres in posh Park City, UT.

aerial photo (top): Bing
listing photos: Baird & Warner

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Jordan’s Sex Diary #7 – Dry Spell &amp

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It’s been a slow week. I haven’t been laid in a while. Valentine’s Day was fun, but that didn’t really count. I’m a bit sexually frustrated and going crazy. On Friday I went out with a few friends to a dive bar a couple block

Your Mama Hears...

...through the Tinseltown celebrity real estate gossip grapevine that reality television denizen Kim Kardashian has packed up her industrial-sized booty and moved into a leased mansion located just down the road and around the corner from a number of other trouble-making tabloid superstars like Paris Hilton, Charlie Sheen and Robbie Williams.

Hardcore celebrity real estate mavens and reality television aficionados may recall Little Kimmy Kardashian followed up the $885,000 sale of her 3 bedroom Los Angeles, CA kondo krib in January 2010 with the February 2010 purchase of a nearly 4,000 square foot faux-Tuscan villa high up above Beverly Hills, CA. The 5 bedroom and 4.5 bathroom mansion, gated, heavily secured and set very close to the street on a cul-de-sac that runs up a narrow ravine just below Mulholland Drive, cost K.K., according to property records, $3,400,000.

In late January of this year, in the turbulent wake of poor K.K.'s quickie marriage and divorce from some hunky Midwestern fella whose name we can no longer recall, an unhinged fan—let's call him Mister Delusional—showed up at front gate of K.K.'s Bev Hills home with luggage in tow. Mister Delusional claimed he'd flown into town all the way from North Carolina to work on the one of K.K.'s reality programs that include the long-running and exceedingly lucrative Keeping Up With the Kardashians and Kourtney and Kim Take New York , a program we've never seen but are absolutely sure is nothing less than scintillating and truly meaningful. Clearly Mister Delusional was, well, delusional and K.K.'s team of quick-thinking security guards snatched the wannabe intruder up and rang the po-po who, natch, escorted from moe-ron from the premises and—we imagine but don't actually know—served the nimrod with a well-deserved restraining order.

It wasn't long after that ugly incident all the gossip glossies and celebrity-based blogs reported K.K. was so freaked out by the whole thing that she wanted to move from her current residence in Bev Hills to a nearby guard-gated community that would provide her with an extra layer of security in addition to her body guard(s).

Well, dontcha know butter beans, according to an often in the know source (and the peeps The Daily Mail who beat us to the punch), that's just what K.K. did. The entertainment industry global superstar and entrepreneur—who does not, as far as Your Mama can tell, sing, dance, act or have any other showbiz-y talent besides near-shameless self promotion—(allegedly) leased a 6,775, square foot mock-Med meets Asian-infused Craftsman-style mansion in the celebrity-filled and guard-gated Mulholland Estates community. Some of the other high profile residents/homeowners in the 'hood include Vanna White, Judith Light, and rock 'n rollerSlash who pushed his 11,000 square foot Mediterranean manse on the market as a pocket listing in mid-2011 with a $9.5 million price tag, since cut to $9.1 million.

Although it's absolutely a luxury development where the tree-lined streets are lined with multi-million dollar (mc)mansions, some of the children will surely see Mulholland Estates as a somewhat curious choice for someone concerned about their security since the community has over the years been a bit of a hotbed of crime: Paris Hilton's high-glam house was burgled by the infamous Bling Ring in 2008 and in 2010 some guy showed up on her doorstep with a knife; Besides all the illegal activities that surely took place inside his house Charlie Sheen has had not just one but two Mercedes Benz stolen right out from his damn driveway and run off a cliff in to a nearby ravine.


Anyhoo, listing information for the house in question Your Mama managed to tease up out of the interweb shows the 4 bedroom and 6 bathroom mansion K.K. (allegedly/reportedly may have) leased in the Mulholland Estates community was built in 2003 and last on the open market as a fully-furnished rental with a hefty hefty hefty $40,000 per month price tag. We can't say for sure if K.K. rented this house but our research did turn up evidence the nearly half acre, Balinese resort-inspired spread, owned by a brainy businesswoman/philanthropist/heiress to a billion dollar-plus biomedical fortune, was also available for purchase an asking price of $10,950,000.

Interior spaces (shown above) include an intimately-scaled foyer that bursts dramatically into a double-height entrance hall with celeb-style curved staircase and stunning Lagos Azul limestone flooring that continues into the formal living room. The cocktail-party friendly living room, divided into two section by a pair of columns, has a fireplace, several sets of Craftsman-style glass doors that open to lushly landscaped gardens, and a grand piano just in case K.K. wants to tinkle the ivories.

Another pair of columns stand between the entrance hall and formal dining room where there's more blue limestone underfoot, another fireplace and over-sized windows with backyard and swimming pool view. The limestone carries on in the chef-friendly, eat-in kitchen complete with sizable center island, snack counter, a full complement of high-grade stainless steel appliances, and custom Shaker-style mahogany cabinetry topped by bull-nosed granite counter tops.

The floor material switches to wide-plank wood in an adjacent family room spacious enough to accommodate a pool table and a seating area oriented towards a paneled wall with fireplace surrounded by five—that's right 5—flat screen televisions, one big one in the middle with two smaller ones stacked on either side. Wide, Craftsman-style glass doors on two walls open the room (with its mostly beige, black and burnt orange day-core) to foliage ringed patios and terraces.

If the lavish-living K.K. really did rent this residence she no doubt fell head over Jimmy Choos for the sprawling master suite privately situated at the back of the house where it takes advantage of canyon and city views through huge windows and glass doors. A chunky and very contemporary three-sided concrete-faced fireplace separates a private sitting room (with Juliet balcony) from the bedroom area where there's a small, built-in shelving and entertainment center tucked into the corner next to the fireplace with wall-mounted flat screen tee-vee for watching Jimmy Kimmel, Chelsea Handler, Saturday Night Live and/or more lusty and lurid fare.

The over-sized attached master bathroom has stone flooring (that we can only hope has radiant heat), two sinks and vanities, a concrete-lined and glass-enclosed steam shower with long concrete bench, and an oval-shaped stone soaking tub set into an elevated deck in front of a full wall of floor-to-ceiling windows. A pair of custom-fitted, boutique style walk in closet/dressing rooms surely appealed to a clotheshorse like K.K. who does not, it seems to Your Mama from what we see in all the tabs and gossip glossies, leave the house for any reason whatsoever without the laborious and expensive efforts of a wardrobe stylist, hair doer and make-up gal. All the image effort seems positively reedonkulous to Your Mama who can't be bothered to put on a proper pair of shoes most days, but we get it. When yer a reality tee-vee lightening rod of controversy like K.K. is you always always always gotta look on point for the public who will gleefully shred a publicity seeking beehawtch for showing up at at the CVS in Calabasas or proto-suburban Sherman Oaks looking the least bit janky.

The lower level of the house opens out to a variety of patios and entertainment areas that include a curtained and vine-draped pergola lounge area that flows out to a second lounge area under the stars. At the other end of house a dining area nestled into a crook of the house has built-in bench seating, and a Palapa-shaded outdoor kitchen/barbecue center has bar seating. A sensuously curved sunbathing terrace snacks along the rim of a black-bottomed swimming pool and wood bridge spans a narrow arm of the pool to an elevated terrace with sunken spa set into a ring of palm trees from where night time hot tubbers can see down the house-dotted canyon and across the sparkly carpet of lights of the pancake-flat San Fernando Valley.

As it turns out, way back in early February after it was reported K.K. might want to move house, the leggy lady at Trulia suggested K.K. might want to consider this very house.

For the record, Your Mama has no direct knowledge of K.K. looking at or moving in to this house and, it should be noted, she recently tweeted the following:

So funny I was reading some magazine that showed pics of my new home...home is nice, but never seen it before! LOL who makes this stuff up?

Make of that what you will.

aerial photo (at top): Pacific Coast News
listing photos: Coldwell Banker / Beverly Hills South

The Decline Of The Porn Star In Pop Culture

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Katie Summers, The Anal Volcano – Peeperz Ra

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Lisa Ann hosting ZZ Insider After Dark Launch Part

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Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Handjob Quest

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Everyone has things that they would like to improve about themselves, I’d really like to improve my handjob skills. As much sex as I’ve had, I’ll admit that I’ve been a jerk off slacker. Sucking cock is my favorite thing to do, so

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Jasmine Black Plays Naughty Doctor

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