Travis Barker, Suburban Denizen

BUYER: Travis Barker
LOCATION: The Oaks development, Calabasas
PRICE: $9,500,000
SIZE: 10,198 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Sited on 1.5 acres, this magnificent new, one story estate is a showcase of quality and craftsmanship...features include 7 en-suite bedrooms, 7.5 baths, guest house, home theatre, game room, outdoor entertaining pavilion, complete with barbecue center, adjoining mosaic pool, spa, rolling lawns and fountains. Amenities include inlaid stone floors, Venetian plaster walls, hand carved moldings, imported granite & marble counters, vaulted & barreled ceiling and refrigerated wine cellar, all behind guarded gates, on a quite cul-de-sac.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Good grief children, Your Mama is always surprised that anyone would want to live out in the boondocks of Calabasas, let alone a rich and famous rock star. But Your Mama may be an island on this one. Turns out super suburban Calabasas lays claims to some of Los Angeles' most expensive housing developments including The Estates at The Oaks where, as reported by Ruth Ryon in the LA Times Hot Properties column, Travis Barker, former Blink-182 drummer, has purchased a new home.

Calabasas, as the children may recall, is the same community where big blond dummy Jessica Simpson and her cheesy huzband Nick Lachey lived and filmed their hugely successful, but exceedingly embarrassing reality program. Of course, they're dee-vorced now and that house was sold to the teenage real estate tycoon and Malcom in the Middle actor Justin Berfield.

Anyhoo, the heavily tattooed Travis first became famous banging the drums for the quasi-punk gone mainstream band Blink-182. He made mountains of cash, married Beauty Queen Shanna Moakler, bought a big house in Bel Air, and started making babies.

This was back when everyone who wasn't really anyone in Los Angeles wanted a reality show like Nick and Jessica's to catapult them to fame and fat bank accounts. This couple was able to convince MTV to bring their cameras over to their big house in Bel Air where they filmed Meet the Barkers, a reasonably successful reality show about their deeply uninteresting lives.

Poor Travis. He really seems like a nice fellow. But, this Pageant Queen Shanna Moakler really gets Your Mama's hackles up. She is nothing but trouble with a capital "T." Whenever we tuned into their show all Your Mama could think was, gurl, get a damn job. And not one where you parade around in a bikini and a tiara. Or one where you get nekkid and let some pervert take pictures of you.

In 1995, Moakler, a small town girl with big boobies and a pretty face, became Miss USA by default after the original winner won the Miss Universe pageant. Moakler went on to lay up with and get engaged to boxer Oscar de la Hoya. They had a baby. But don't you know they didn't get married and she filed a $62 million palimony suit. $62 million dollars! Next she took all her clothes off for Playboy and attracted the attention of tattooed Travis, who we're sure initially just wanted to pork her. Somehow romance bloomed and the two were married, pushed out a couple kiddies, and made more domestic hysteria than can be seen on Your Mama's favorite daytime soap Passions.

After less than two years, these two split and Travis filed for dee-vorce. A very, very public battle ensued. Travis and the Pageant Queen waged a juvenile and jaw dropping war of words through their MySpace pages. Now, children, what could be more disturbing and humiliating than multi-millionaires taking pot shots at each other on MySpace? Seriously, they should be ashamed of themselves. Shanna then threw herself a big dee-vorce party in Las Vegas which she made sure was covered by all the tabloids by featuring a pink cake with a blonde bride on top and a decapitated groom lying in a pool of blood at the bottom. This is one classy bitch, right children?

Things got even uglier when it was rumored that tattooed Travis was fooling around with air-brained Paris the Heiress. When Shanna heard about this development, she jumped up in her big Range Rover and tore down to Hollywood hot spot Hyde where she and Hilton had a screaming match, slapped each other silly, and subsequently filed police reports about the incident. Shanna was not about to give up this fight and went on to make even more catty remarks about Paris. When Shanna was asked what she had to say to Paris, she said, "She should take her Valtrex." Mee-ow!

Word on the gossip street is that tattooed Travis and the Pageant Queen are in the throws of reconciliation. Figures. They've been spotted making out in public places but continue to deny the rekindling of their "love." Do we smell more publicity stunting?

Normally we like to discuss the real estate, but clearly, the hysterics of these two are far more interesting than the big and boring suburban house Travis just purchased. So we're going to leave it at that and all the children can decide for themselves what they think of this house.

What Your Mama wants to know is when does Shanna move in so the games can begin again?

Sources: LA Times, X17, Perez Hilton, Luxe Life with Robin Leach

Is Bon Jovi SoHo Bound?

BUYER: Jon Bon Jovi
LOCATION: 158 Mercer (The New Museum Building), New York City
PRICE: $24,000,000 (maintenance and taxes / $9,350 per month)
SIZE: 7,437 square feet, 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: (considerably shortened from the listing agent's website) Located on the best street in the New Museum building, Soho's premiere, landmarked, full service pre-war condominium, this imposing duplex is located on the highest floor in Soho...The upper level contains the entertaining rooms (with a wood burning fireplace) with walls of windows that flood the apartment with light...Terraces of unparalleled proportions leading off the entertaining room and Master Suite make this property truly world-class...This floor [lower level] is notable for its unique, over-sized arched windows, & also houses a laundry room, 2 powder rooms & a 2nd kitchen.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Guess Mister Bon Jovi is looking to move up in the world of New York City real estate. Earlier this week, Braden Keil of the New York Post reported that this getting to be over the hill hair band honcho is rumored to be negotiating for the spectacular duplex penthouse at the vaunted New Museum Building in Soho.

The Mercer Street building is no stranger to heavy hitter residents. Fabien Baron, fashion photographer, magazine designer, marketing master and the man known for art directing Madonna's infamous Sex book, lives on one of the lower floors. Hotelier and Uma Thurman loving Andres Balasz has been trying to unload his $10,000,000 10th floor apartment and of course, everyone knows that Marci Klein, daughter of Calvin and seasoned SNL producer, lives on the 11th floor in a space that rumors say she leases from David Geffen.

All the children surely remember that Mister Bon Jovi has been desperately trying to lease or sell his rather disappointing and (if anyone asks Your Mama) over-priced apartment at the Park Millennium Tower on the Upper West Side where Big Hair (Howard Stern) and that disturbing Regis Philbin also have apartments.

The penthouse Mister Bon Jovi is interested has a hefty price tag at $26,500,000. But children, just look a the floor plan and photographs. This place is gor-gee-us. Your Mama is lucky enough to live well in New York City, but sometimes we forget people live this damn well in a city full of rat infested tenements and $5,000 one bedroom dumps.

Max Abelson of the NY Observer wrote about his penthouse back in January and his report states this sky palace is owned by venture capitalist William Kriegel, the man who bought and developed the building. In Abelson's report, the listing agent, uber agent Leonard Steinberg is quoted saying Kriegel "bought the whole building to get the penthouse." Steinberg goes on to say that Kriegel is not a developer but that he also developed the Prince Street penthouse Rupert Murdoch sold to fashion designer Elie Tahari in late 2005 for the stunning price of $24,675,000.

Clearly if you want to be living in a Soho penthouse, you better have some serious cash. We still find it strange all these rich and famous folks want to be living up in Soho. This neighborhood, particularly on the weekends, is chock full of gawking tourists and middle brow shoppers from everywhere but New York City. Soho used to be this cool downtown neighborhood with loads of artists homesteading in cast iron loft buildings. But now it's just a mall. For Christ sake, there's a fucking Pottery Barn. And Sephora. Old Navy. And even a bloody Bloomingdales where the Canal Street Jean Company once was. Please. You couldn't pay Your Mama to live in Soho and be dealing with all these creepy crawly tourist shoppers day in and day out.

Don't get Your Mama wrong, we go to Soho too...we all need some cheap-o rags from H&M and some good Asian eats at Kelley and Ping...but living there is a whole other operation. Obviously, given all the recent big name residential developments down in Soho we may be in the margins about living in this neck of the woods.

Anywhoo, this place has been written up left and right already, so enjoy the photos and floor plan. Your Mama will be back on Monday with some more candy for the children.

Bye now.

Sources: New York Post, NY Observer

The Red Hot House of Anthony Kiedis

SELLER: Anthony Kiedis
LOCATION: Davis Drive, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $6,997,000
SIZE: 4,294 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: On one of the rare 3 acre knolls in BHPO, this tour de force celeb property is Tuscan in style, w/ panoramic vus from every vantage point yet accomplishing privacy. 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms, 6 fireplaces, roman pool and spar and spectacular indoor/outdoor flow, Bell tower, grand cordon bleu kitchen w/ sweeping views, large scale ceiling heights and one of the most romantic master suites in Southern Cal. A breathtaking opportunity to purchase this beautiful villa near the best of everything Beverly Hills has to offer.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: If Your Mama is being honest with the children, we would tell you we done peed our pants when we came across this house. The listing for this house proudly declares it's celebrity ownership. However, property records do not list anybody famous. After some investigation, and a call to one of Your Mama's well connected little spies in the Bev Hills, we have been able to determine that this house does indeed belong to Anthony Kiedis, the sexed up front man for The Red Hot Chili Peppers.

He may have been born in Michigan, but Kiedis is pure Los Angeles rock star, right down to the red string he's been wearing around his wrist lately. That's right hunnies, kabbalah. Do the kabbalists have a celebrity center like those Scientologist people?

Mister Kiedis' reputation as a lady lover is legendary. In addition to all the no-name tartlets and groupies, there was Ione Skye, teeny tiny Sofia Coppola, big tall Heidi Klum, and even the bawl-headed Sinéad O'Conner just to name a few. But, according to a recent article in Blender, there's a new gurl, a much, much younger gurl in this rock star's life that has him wanting to settle down and make babies.

This tattooed 44-year old hot rod with the jaw dropping body of a 26 year old recently begun co-habitating with "model" Heather Christie. Heather recently turned 20 years old. Old enough to vote, but not old enough to drink in a bar. It's really such a cliche isn't it? Aging rock star dating a "model" who is just out of her teens. Your Mama wishes these two well. We do. But babies, if you're reading this, Your Mama recommends waiting a year or two before producing progeny. Don't act ignorant with Your Mama, you know why we suggest you wait. Please don not go birthing babies just to prove you have conquered your demons and are prepared to be a daddy and a teenage mother. It's all about the children.

Kiedis only purchased this house in June of 2004. Your Mama thinks he paid around $4,800,000. Don't go blabbing that number to yer friends or the press, because the property records are a bit vague so we aren't positive that's accurate. We can only speculate on why Kiedis is selling this magnificent house. Your Mama suspects it may have something to do with the teenage girlfriend not wanting to live up in a house that has even a whisper of Kiedis' extremely active bachelorhood. Why else would a man move from a house he bought through a trust called Happy House?

One of the features Your Mama likes best about his house is it's tremendous privacy and security which makes it the perfect home for a seclusion seeking celebrity. The house, located on a dead end road up above Benedict Canyon and tucked into the hillside, can not be seen from the street. So don't any of you music psychos be thinking you can drive up into the hills and spot these two sunning themselves by the pool.

Another interesting feature of the house (not shown in the photos) is a bell tower which Kiedis and his gay decorator have thoughtfully kitted out with a bunch of velvet floor pillows. More romantic types will find it a perfect place to make love while being caressed by the warm Santa Anas. But not Your Mama. We prefer our intimate moments take place behind closed doors in a dark room, but that's another topic altogether.

Anyhoo, there is little Your Mama does not like about this property. We love all the nooks, crannies, courtyards and outdoor hiding places. Even though a forest must be felled to keep them fired up all winter, we go weak in the knees over the six fireplaces. The master bathroom has a lovely one, but Your Mama particularly covets the outdoor fireplace. We love us an outdoor room. We also appreciate that there are enough terlits for six people, but we do worry about the maid getting carpal tunnel from scrubbing them things all the time.

Mister Kiedis clearly hired a nice gay decorator to come up in here. And if you ask Your Mama, a most excellent job was done. This house manages to be decorated to within an inch of it's life and still look like a place that people actually live. Not an easy trick for sure.

The only thing we noted as questionable on this property was in the kitchen. We are surprised to find such an ordinary and inexpensive refrigerator. Given the very high quality of the materials and workmanship of this house, we expected a Sub Zero. But that's a minor and easily remedied issue.

Normally Your Mama finds a few unsavory touches in a house and rips them to shreds. But seriously folks, that would be criminal here. This house is just too damn nice. Your Mama is going to make a prediction here...this house will be purchased by another celebrity. Can't you see Sharon Stone living up in this crib? We hear pin thin Nicole Richie and Good Charlotte rocker Joel Madden are house hunting for a love nest. If we were their real estate agent, we'd be taking them here for sure.

Sources: Rolling Stone, Blender