So, What Did Joan Collins Buy?

BUYER: Joan Collins
LOCATION: 9255 Doheny Road, West Hollywood, CA
PRICE: $2,700,000
SIZE: 2,117 square feet, 1 bedroom, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: You'll find this unit high above the Sunset Strip in the renowned Sierra Towers with breathtaking views of the hills, ocean and points west. This full amenity building is located at one of the areas most prestigious addresses. Ready to move into so bring your clients.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Ages ago, Your Mama received a tip from a friendly boa constrictor who hissed in our big ear that the wonderfully well preserved television diva Joan Collins purchased a condominium high up in the celebrity friendly Sierra Towers on Doheny Road in West Hollywood. At the time, we were not able to confirm the purchase and, unfortunately, our mind being mush most of the time, we just plum forgot to keep looking.

Then last weekend, the venerable Miz Ruth Ryon at the LA Times reported that the still trying to be slinky and sexy 7o-something Miz Collins and her much younger fifth husband Percy Gibson purchased a 2,700 square foot unit on the 27th floor with northwestern views for $2,700,000. Well all those 27s looked and sounded awfully sweet strung together like triplets wearing matching outfits, but there was something fishy about some of the details reported.

See children, the only unit on the 27th floor of Sierra Towers that would qualify as having northwestern views is the very same unit that rehabbed starlet Lindsay Lohan sold in March of 2007 for around $2,500,000. Remember that? It just seemed strange and not quite right to Your Mama that the non-celebrity buyer of Miss Lohan's unit (which she never even occupied) would fork over $2,500,000 for a place that was in dire need of a significant renovation only to turn around and sell it just a year later for $2,700,000 which would leave no profit after taxes and real estate fees.

So Your Mama went digging and we got on the horn to our spider web of sources and contacts. Before Our Fairy Godmother in Bel Air got back to us with the scoop (and the property listing), Mister Big Time had written up his own report/Ruth Ryon smack down. As Mister Big Time reported, the condo that Miz Collins and her boy toy purchased is indeed a 2,117 square foot unit on the 25th floor. According to property records, the insanely May/December couple purchased the place for $2,700,000.

Miz Ryon reported the condo had two bedrooms and 2 bathrooms and Mister Big Time reported that property records indicate three bedrooms. However, according to the listing, the condo has been reconfigured and now sports just 1 bedroom and 3 bathrooms. Which means that the high-lariously bawdy Miz Collins, her huzband, and their dinner guests will never have to do the dirty bizness on the same terlit.

The unit, which was formerly owned by the dee-lishusly tawdry Tawny Kitaen, was listed at $2,950,000 and includes parking for two vehicles. Now kids, what sort of car do you suppose Miz Collins drives? Or does the ladee get driven at all times?

Normally Your Mama does not get into the financing and mortgages of the properties we discuss, but we found it interesting that the lender for Grandma Collins and her walker/huzband was an entity called Marmara Shipping, Ltd. Hmm. Is that some Greek shipping magnate pal who fronted her the money so she wouldn't have to pay bank fees? Or is this just the normal financial ways of an international and jet-setting social fixture like Miz Joan Collins?

The quasi-high rise residential building boasts 24-hour security and staff including valets to porters, deeded and secure parking, a city view and heated swimming pool on the sixth floor with his and hers locker rooms and spas, and a ballroom and caterers kitchen is available (presumably for rent).

In addition to the Queen of the Cougars, other screamingly famous residents of Sierra Towers include divalicious pop icon Cher, Sir Elton John and his huzband David Furnish, nutty diet guru Nikki Haskell, the dee-voon Diahann Carroll, and of course, Russ Filice, the real estate agent to anyone who is anyone in Sierra Towers.

Your Mama Hears...

...that the mega money buyers for the $68,000,000 deal on Nancy Daly Riordan's massive Malee-boo mansion got cold feet and walked away from the deal at the last minute.

We also heard the buyers may not have been Canadian after all, but Russian. Which makes a lot more sense if you think about it.

Remember kids, you read it here first.

Will Garrison Keillor Move To Lake Wobegon?

SELLER: Garrison Keillor
LOCATION: Portland Avenue, St. Paul, MN
PRICE: $1,650,000
SIZE: 5,168 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 3 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Architectural masterpiece by Emmanuel Masqueray (designed St. Paul Cathedral). A perfect example of French elegance & sophistication, grand foyer w/ exquisite staircase, lofty 14 ft. ceilings, exceptional windows, cooks kitchen, 3 floors of wonderful living space.

UPDATE (LATER SAME DAY): Interior photos finally appeared with the listing, so we've included them for all the children to cheer on or chew up. We stand by our original assessment of the interiors which is that overall we like this house quite a bit, even if we could never live in Minneapolis because of the weather (Your Mama hates the cold). We are, however, having some trouble with that colorful family room on the second floor which is looking a hot mess. And we like colorful rooms usually.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to the The St. Paul Snowman, Your Mama is pleased to bring the children our first ever discussion about a property located in the frozen state of Minnesota. We happen to have visited the Twin Cities on several occasions because there's a cute and quirky family of five living near lovely Lake Nokomis in Minneapolis that are very near and dear Your Mama's cold and snarky heart. We love the outdoorsy lifestyle, we love the soo-blime Walker Art Center, natch, and we l.o.v.e. the Minnesota State Fair where every year all the finalists in the Princess Kay of the Milky Way pageant get likenesses of their heads carved from butter. Yes, children, butter.

But lawhd have mercy children, it is too damn dreadfully cold up there in the winter, and it's been even colder across the Mississippi River on Portland Avenue in St. Paul where radio talk show icon Garrison Keillor has put his big house on the market just weeks after settling an unneighborly, public, and stoopid lawsuit with his next door neighbor over a proposed garage addition.

Now children, we know some of you probably think of Mister Keillor as a soothing grandfatherly voice on Sunday afternoons as he prattles on about Lake Wobegon on his Prairie Home Companion program, but Your Mama finds him to be an outdated auditory annoyance who pines for a fictionalized and idealized time and place in American history that hasn't existed in 50 years if it ever existed at all. Maybe we just don't get the irony, which is a very distinct possibility, but we happen to like the modern world, thank you very much.

Anyhoo, property records show that in September of 1998, shortly after Mister Keillor, his third wifey, the violinist Jenny Lind Nilsson, and their young daughter relocated to Minnesota from New York City, the couple forked over $710,000 for their rather grand red brick house on Portland Avenue in the fancy-pants and historic Ramsey Hill neighborhood of St. Paul

Tax information for the property indicates the house measures 5,168 square feet with 7 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms, while listing information for the dignified and solid looking mansion shows (approx.) 5,960 square feet with 7 bedrooms, 2 full, 1 three-quarter and 2 half bathrooms. In case y'all don't know, a three-quarter bath usually refers to a bath with a sink, terlit and shower (no tub).

Although no interior photos of the Keillor/Nilsson house have been included with the online listing for the property, Your Mama happened across a few images that were included in a 2006 article in the New York Times which shows a grumpy looking Mister Keillor standing in the 29-foot long "grand foyer" with its "exquisite staircase." Before finding the NY Times article, Your Mama imagined the staircase to be an elaborately carved confection with a giant pineapple perched atop the newel post that would make even the most die-hard modernist misty eyed. The actual staircase, although not exactly what we expected, will definitely do in the jaw dropper department and would make an amazing setting for our pal Falsetta Knockers to make one of her nearly nekkid and notoriously naughty grand entrances.

The main floor, with its soaring 14 foot ceilings, features an inviting, book filled and wonderfully intellectual looking living room with tall and blessedly curtain free windows, a wood burning fireplace, a custom rug, and dee-lishus dentil molding. The pretty but slightly too grandma-ish dining room measures in at a banquet sized 20' x 22' which works well for entertaining all the good Luthrans from Lake Wobegon, and in the "cooks kitchen" we are completely unable to move beyond that industrial sized and potentially lethal pot rack looming over the room like a tiger ready to pounce on an unsuspecting dish washer. How do these Keillor/Nilsson people feel safe with all that copper and cast iron hanging up above their damn brains? Your Mama would need to strap on a football helmet just to dart into that room to snatch up a lime for a pitcher of gin and tonics.

Up the elegant and curving stairs to the second floor, five bedrooms, including a master bedroom that stretches an impressive 30' feet long, share a couple of bathrooms. A commodious 16' x 30' family room completes the private family floor and two large rooms on the third floor tuck nicely under the eaves of the slate roof.

The big house sits on a relatively small .2 acre lot with a detached 2 car garage at the rear of the property and an itty bitty back yard that only old people could love because it's really far too small for a swing set and a sandbox.

Your Mama hasn't a clue whether Mister Keillor will be moving his little family to another posh residence in St. Paul or if perhaps they'll all be headed back to New York City where Mister Keillor and Miz Nilsson own and maintain a 2-bedroom residence on the 12th floor of the legendary El Dorado on Central Park West. Interestingly Mister Keillor bought this apartment in 1987 for $800,000, sold it in 1993 for around $1,500,000 and property records show the that in June of 2006 the quirky radio yakker bought the very same 12th floor co-operative apartment for $3,600,000. Apparently he always regretted selling the park view place and the opportunity to wipe away that regret cost the much wealthier that we imagined radio host two million clams.