Scarlett Johansson: Bayou Babe?

Details are suspiciously slim at this point but Your Mama figures we better get on this particular celebrity real estate train before it's a dead horse: Apparently, or at least according to bazillions of recent reports, quirky actress Scarlett Johansson (Iron Man, Vicky Christina Barcelona, Lost in Translation) and her muscled man-mate Ryan Reynolds (X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Chaos Theory, Zeroman, Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle) have purchased a home in the beautiful but oil besieged state of Louisiana.

Your Mama knows nuthin', nada, zilch about this alleged property purchase other than the few tidbits we've read on the interweb, which is that RyJo–is that what the tabs call them?–scooped up some sort of farm spread with a modest and squat looking quasi-colonial style house punished with a brick faced first floor and a yellow clapboard covered second story trimmed with a most unpleasant shade of mint. Other amenities of the ScarRey farmette are reported to include a detached carport with additional attached living quarters, and a rusty ol' corrugated metal barn that looks like it could blow over from the vibrating of a rider mower or a stiff wind.

Some reports say that Miss Johansson and Mister Reynolds are in the process of giving their new farm a face lift that includes fixin' the rusty ol' corrugated metal barn and adding solar heating and other eco-friendly this and thats. However, no report we've seen calls out a purchase price or, it should be noted, identifies the location of the couple's alleged new homestead. We think it may be near Layfayette, LA but, like we said before, Your Mama don't know a fact from a fingerling potato about this one.

Anyhoo, iffin this real estate rumor is true, the comely couple become the newest members of the Celebrity Real Estate Club of Loowheezeeanna. They join the Spears clan in Kentwood, global do-gooders and occasional actors Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie who own but rarely occupy a 6 bedroom and 4.5 pooper mansion in the French Quarter of New Orleans, and Oscar winning actress and new mommy Sandra Bullock who recently left her cheatin' huzband Jesse James to lick his wounds and god only knows who else in California and decamped to New Orleans where she owns a big ol' Victorian in the Garden District.

All the Chicken Littles and celebrity real estate watchers know that in addition to this (alleged) real estate mitzvah, Miss Johansson still has some serous real estate woes back in Los Angeles. In 2007 she forked over $7,000,000 for a big Mediterranean style house in the Outpost Estates neighborhood and proceeded to spend additional funds on updating and upgrading the property. But alas, by early 2010 Miss Johansson had caught an uncontrollable case of The Real Estate Fickle and hoisted the 4 bedroom and 5.5 pooper property back on the market with an asking price of $4,995,000. The asking price subsequently plummeted to its current number of $4,500,000, representing and teeth chattering and knee buckling potential loss of at least $2,500,000.

Your Mama Would Like to Thank...

...the children, advertisers, link lovers, informants and etc. for making May of 2010 an unexpectedly explosive month with more than 3,000,000 page views (and almost 2,200,000 unique hits)...in a single damn month.

Your Mama never thought in a million years that even 7 people would care to look out our little online endeavor on a regular basis. As it turns out and much to our delight there are oodles of poodles and butter beans around the world tuning in to our little corner of the interweb on a daily basis.

With unfeigned sincerity, our deepest gratitude, and a tear of joy in our boozy eye, Your Mama raises our trusty and ever present tumbler of gin & tonic to say, "Muchas gracias. We are nuthin' with out y'all."

Keep on reading puppies.

Fat Joe the Rapper Lists Suburban Florida Residence

SELLER: Joseph Cartagena, a.k.a. Fat Joe
LOCATION: Plantation, FL
PRICE: $1,999,000
SIZE: 5,342 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: A couple weeks ago we received a missive from Vlad the Revealer over at Celebrity Address Aerial who whispered in Your Mama's big ear that some rapper dude named Fat Joe was selling his newly built mansion in some place called Plantation, FL for $1,999,000.

As the children might imagine, Your Mama didn't know this Fat Joe person from a box of bees. After exhausting more pressing subjects and some less pressing matters, we eventually took the interweb to discover what we could figure out about this Fat Joe and Your Mama quickly learned that the Bronx born rapper fella has been big on the gangsta rap scene since the early 1990s, has some sort of stoopid feud going with 50 Cent, witnessed a couple of his dawgs get gunned down in 2007 while sitting in a rented Cadillac Escalade in front of a club in South Beach, possesses a seriously bad ass collection of kicky kicks, and is tremendously fat.

According to property records and the Broward County tax man, in May of 2000 Mister Fat Joe forked over $115,000 to purchase a vacant lot that measures just a hair over an acre in Plantation, FL, an upscale enclave just west of Fort Lauderdale pushed up against The Everglades and too near some terrible sounding highway called Alligator Alley for Your Mama's psychic comfort.

A bit more digging around on the internets and we discover that Mister Fat Joe hired LM Architect & Associates to design and build a Mediterranean meets modern style mansion completed sometime in 2009. The big boy's manse measures, according to marketing materials, 5,342 square feet and includes a total of 4 bedrooms and 3.5 poopers between the main house and a second floor guest house that includes wood floors, full kitchen facilities, a wall mounted boob-toob, and private pooper for guests, in-laws or live-in staff.

Electronic gates swing open to the driveway, which is hedged for privacy, and leads to the front of the house dominated by a large motor court and front facing three car garage that sits just to the right of the front entrance. The double front doors open to a long and extra-wide entrance hall that features lustrous 24" x 24" polished Alhambra limestone floors with wood inlay, high ceilings, an upside-down wedding cake shaped crystal chandelier, and unfortunately, an entire wall covered floor to ceiling with shimmery mother of pearl tiles.

Just to the right of the entrance lies the formal dining room, a somewhat narrow space with custom made, hammered metal paper wall covering (whatever that is), a metallic, cloud-like "Hollywood" chandelier (whatever that is), and sexy, bone colored suede drapes that hang in front of a tall arched window. The fancy floor tile style displayed in the entrance hall continues into the formal living room, an uncomfortably impersonal space where vast expanses of walls are busted up with windows covered in putty colored heather silk taffeta drapery.

The gore-may kitchen has timber-tile floors (whatever that is) with cork grout, glossy white cabinetry from some swank Italian outfit, a large work island and breakfast bar, a full compliment of high grade appliances including 2 side by side refrigerator/freezers, and a most unusual, sort of beachy blue and white striated granite counter top.

Like all good celebrity homes, Mister Fat Joe's nest comes equipped with a state of the art home theater system that includes 10 ivory leather power seats that listing information indicates cost $50,000, a wicked sound system, and a 100" screen.

The master suite, a large carpeted room off the entrance hall, has French doors that open to the backyard, 3 walk-in closets/dressing areas, one of which Your Mama presumes is devoted entirely to Mister Fat Joe's sneakers, and a dee-luxe pooper with slick and glassy taupe colored tile work, double vanity, a hydro-tub set into a massive raised platform in a bay window, steam shower and clover shaped chandelier fashioned from what appears to be capiz shells strands or some other opaque material that emits and warm glow.

The backyard includes a large rectangular swimming pool and circular spa, both of which appear to be all did up with mosaic tiles in varying shades of aqua. The pool and spa are surrounded by a generous stone terrace which is in turn surrounded by large, flat and unnaturally green swathes of lawn.

In a convergence of real estate and (quasi-) celebrity, Mister Fat Joe listed his newly built crib in Plantation with comely Katrina Campins who, the children may recall, shared a room with that frightening and volatile Omarosa ladee–remember that beehawtcha?–on the first season of The Apprentice and then went back to the reality tee-vee well again in 2009 on an utterly pointless and banal reality program called Miami Social.