Let's Talk About Ashlee Simpson

SELLER: Ashlee Simpson
LOCATION: 16187 Royal Oak Road, Encino, CA
PRICE: $5,700,000 (sale price)
SIZE: 9,005 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Only 2 miles North of Mulholland in prime Royal Oaks, walled & gated trophy architectural with major security system up a long drive on a 1+ acre promontory w/ 360 degree views. Every amenity that a discerning buyer would desire and the privacy that a celebrity would require.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: We're just gonna come right out and say it. Your Mama does not care for Ashlee Simpson. She may in fact be a lovely, kind, thoughtful and generous person. We sincerely hope she is. But one thing beehatcha is NOT, is a very good singer. She's not very good at lip synching either. Oops! She's probably not the worst singer to grace the billboards in the last few years, but she's hardly a sublime chanteuse with multi-million dollar vocal chords.

We can live with the fact that all the tabs write ad infinitum about whether she did or did not have a nose job, when she so obviously went under the nasal knife whether she admits it or not. (Did that hook in her nose just go away in a growth spurt?) We can live with the fact that we have to read all about her romantic relationship with quasi-bisexual boyfriend rocker Pete Wentz. We can tolerate, just barely, all the stories about her creepy daddy/manager who makes a disturbing habit of discussing his daughters' boobies in public.

But Your Mama draws the line at real estate. It just chaps Your Mama's hide something fierce when a barely talented 21 year old gurl has the financial wherewithal to purchase multi-million dollar properties. Seriously children, this little gurl lip synched her way to riches while following in the reality television footsteps of her older sister Jessica "Chestica" Simpson. And let's not forget litte Miss Ashlee's ever churning PR machine and the daddy/manager who knows how to work the paparazzi and the tabloids like nobody's bizness.

All you Ashlee fans open your ears and listen good. Your Mama is absolutely not jealous of this young and talent free "singer" because she's got money to burn. Oh no. Nor do we give a shit that her first album went triple platinum. Triple platinum does not mean she's a skilled singer. It means that a lot of teenage gurls with more allowance money than ability to recognize talent over hype bought a lot of CDs. Big freaking deal. Bitch wouldn't last two rounds on American Idol. Your Mama can't stand those silly American Idol singers either with their saccharine renditions of Alice Cooper songs. But at least those singers can actually SING.

Back in July of 2005, little Miss Ashlee bought a big house in Encino at 16187 Royal Oak Drive for a whopping $4,500,000. Property records show the then 21 year old gurl took a huge mortgage on the 9,005 square foot house with 4 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms. That's right children, 9,005 square feet of house just for one 21 year old gurl. Please. Listing information for the house at the time of the sale shows additional features which include an art studio, dance studio, gym, lanai, library/study, media room, office, sauna and a thank gawd, service entrance so that little Miss Ashlee would not have to suffer the indignity of the cleaning lady using the front door.

Located at the end of a cul de sac on a promontory overlooking the hills and dales of an upscale section of Encino in the San Fernando Vally, Your Mama thinks the glass and concrete house has more in common with a suburban office building than a suburban mansion. The corporate looking water fountain at the front of the house screams suburban Chicago office park, and Your Mama once worked in an office building in suburban New Jersey (don't ask) with a front courtyard eerily similar to the one at the front of little Miss Simpson's house.

The backyard swimming pool, with nice long views of the surrounding hillsides, is obviously a nice, if expected feature in a multi million dollar home in the Valley where temperatures easily soar above 90 in the summer. The pool deck both wraps around the sides of the house and cascades down to a lovely grassy area with amazing 270 degree views, including a view of daddy Joe and mommy Tina's own Encino mansion bought with the riches brought in by their famous daughters.

Your Mama does not have many photos of the interior from when little Miss Ashlee lived at Royal Oak, but we did manage to locate one photo of the living room. We confess to digging the complicated and brightly covered fabric on the furniture. However, is it just Your Mama, or does this look to anyone else like the lobby of a boutique hotel in India?

All published reports from when little Miss Simpson sold the house state that her favorite feature of the house was its 1,300 square foot closet in the master suite that included its own washer/dryer unit. Thirteen hundred square feet is larger than most peoples' homes or apartments, and this little snot, who's barely old enough to drink liquor legally, is out there bragging about the size of her damn closet? Hunny, no wonder people think you're obnoxious.

Not only that, but when the lip synching singer sold the house in October of 2006 for $5,700,000, she pocketed a shocking $1,200,000 after owning the house just over one year. Which just seems wrong. Except then again, Mister Hulk Hogan just pocketed far more than that after selling his Miami Beach home after just one year of owning.

Little Miss Ashlee's house was reportedly bought by Hawaiian business man Edward Keh, who made a fortune shacking up old people in convalescent homes. Most reports little Miss Ashlee was headed to the beach because at the time she was dating some surfer dude or another. She did not buy a house at the beach.
BUYER: Ashlee Simpson
LOCATION: Oak Pass Road, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $4,500,045 (sale price)
SIZE: 5,896 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Private walled Mediterranean escape. Spectacular living spaces with high ceilings, gourmet kitchen with top of the line appliances. Spacious master suite with walk-in closets, his/her baths, FP and private balcony with incredible canyon vistas. Media room, gym, large sparkling pool and detached 2 story self-contained guest house.

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: We were sent a small cache of photos of the house Miss Ashlee purchased...please keep in mind that the interior design is from the previous owner and NOT Miss Ashlee.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: In January of 2007, little Miss Ashlee paid $4,500,045 for a 5,896 square foot house in the Beverly Hills Post Office. Located just around the corner from a-listers Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher's modern masterpiece, Little Miss Ashlee's new house features 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms, a gourmet kitchen, a master suite with double bathrooms (one for Ashlee and one for Pete and his purse full of black eyeliner), media room, gym, canyon views, and a lovely rectangular shaped pool with a two story pool house/ guest house.

One day Your Mama hopes that America will wake up and require that their pop princesses and tabloid queens actually have a little bit of talent to justify the vast sums of money they earn. But until that happens Your Mama would advise little Miss Ashlee to enjoy it now and to pay her mortgage down as quickly as possible, because it is our humble, humble opinion, that you're near the top of the list of vastly wealthy young and not very talented gurls whose incomes are going to dry up before they are thirty. Good luck gurl.

Your Mama would like to thank our Fairy Godmother in Bel Air and The Strapping Hunk for their input and assistance.

Oh, and P.S...Ashlee hunny, we liked your old nose better.

Sources: People Magazine, US Magazine, Buzz Sugar, Idolator, iVillage

A Whirlwind Tour Through Billionaire Len Blavatnik's Behemoth Digs

A week or two ago Your Mama discussed the dee-luxe digs at 1040 Fifth Avenue that booze baron and entertainment mogul Edgar Bronfman Junior reportedly purchased for clost to $20,000,000. Y'all will recall that 1040 Fifth is the same building where the legendary Jackie-O lived for many years until her death in the 1990s. In that discussion we mentioned that Mister Bronfman Jr. had also reportedly sold his 15,000 square foot townhouse at 15 East 64th Street for a rumored $50,000,000+.

Today, the good people over at the NY Observer, specifically the incomparable real estate gossip Max Abelson, report that the townhouse was purchased for by Russian born oligarch Len Blavatnik, who Forbes ranked as the 40th richest man in the world in 2006 with a $7.0 billion fortune. Your Mama imagines that he's got a couple hundred million more by now.

The oil, gas and metals magnate has made quite a name for himself in the world of excessively expensive real estate. In 2004 he famously spent $100,000,000+ on his London residence, located at 15a Kensington Palace Gardens. If Blavatnik can't be royalty, he may as well have more money than the damn queen and live right next door to where heaps of royals shack up in the elegant apartment house known as Kensington Palace, former home of the dead Princess Diana.

Blavatik's monstrous London house includes 10 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms, 4 reception rooms and of course, staff quarters. But when you're a billionaire, big is sometimes just not big enough. According to a recent article in The Times, Mister Blavatnik has submitted plans to excavate the under the front and rear yards in order to accommodate an underground parking garage with car stacker, an indoor swimming pool, gym, and home theater. You go gurl!

More recently, the real estate obsessed tycoon has been making a big splash in the upper reaches of the luxury housing market in New York City. Blavatnik attempted to buy big fancy apartments all over town, but was reportedly turned down by the finicky and fussy boards at the San Remo on Central Park West, and also at 927 Fifth Avenue, home to luminaries such as Mary Tyler Moore and Paula Zahn, and the former home of the controversial Pale Male.

Finally, in the Fall of 2006, Blavatnik was able to bully his way into swanky and staid 998 Fifth Avenue where he paid a reported $27,500,000 for a sprawling 14 room apartment with four bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms, a 35 foot long gallery and two maids rooms. 998 Fifth is the very same building where Edgar Junior's brother Matthew recently purchased society diva Anne Slater's apartment which had been on the market for $17,700,000. It's a small world after all.

Apparently the 14 room apartment at 998 Fifth Avenue was not quite large enough for Mister Blavatnik and his wifey Emily. Max Abelson states in his article that the uber rich couple had hoped to purchase an adjoining apartment to combine with their already large digs. But alas, the board put their feet down on that idea.

So townhouse shopping the couple a-went, finally settling on Edgar Bronfman Juniors massive mansion on East 64th Street. Abelson reports that Blavatnik is paying somewhere around $51,000,000 for the house which features, "a bronze-shaded waxed-steel vestibule, a 2.5-story indoor piazza with Nigerian fertility statue and secret stairways, a balconied master bedroom and children’s playroom, plus a glass-floored library terrace." If reports are accurate, and Abelson usually is, Blavatnik will be only the second person to pay more than $50,000,000 for a New york townhouse, the other being billionaire J. Christopher Flowers who bought the Harkness Mansion last year.

Presumably the Blavatnik apartment at 998 will hit the market soon. Perhaps they can sell it to Matthew Bronfman who may be in the market to combine two massive units at 998 Fifth Aveneu. That is unless the Blavatniks are planning on keeping it to house the staff.

Sources: New York Observer, The Times, The Age, The City Review, New York Post

Andrew Vajna's Lemon on Lime Orchard Road

SELLER: Andrew Vajna
LOCATION: Lime Orchard Road, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $6,495,000
SIZE: 9,516 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 9 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Exceptional privacy and sophistication on 2 acres up a long, private gated drive. Wonderful indoor-outdoor flow to pl, covered patio, tennis court and verdant mountain vistas. Richly detailed inside, with soaring ceilings and handcrafted parquet flrs. Enormous fam rm with beautiful bar and wine racks. Extensive master suite on first level with office, fireplace, sauna, double baths and huge closets. 3 add'l brs up, plus one down. 2br maid or in-law suite has separate stairway.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The name Andew Vajna may not roll easily off your tongue, and you might just need to be in the "industry" or be a film credit reader in order to recognize his name. Your Mama guarantees that you've seen or heard of many films which were financed and/or produced by Mister Vanja, who happens to be one of the most prolific film producers in the action genre.

Mister Vanja has had his Hungarian hand in such money making blockbuster films as Die Hard 3, the Terminator and Rambo franchises, and well as The Scarlett Letter, Evita, and Basic Instinct 2. Your Mama wonders if it was Mister Vanja who wisely and smartly red lighted Miss Sharon Stone exposing her middle aged hoo-hoo in B.I.2. Don't get Your Mama wrong, we love us some of that crazy ass Sharon Stone. The lady does amazing work with AMFAR and she's always good for a puzzling outfit. But we do not, we repeat, do not ever want to see her lady bits exposed the big screen again.

Mister Vanja's house, tucked up into the hills on the guard gated Lime Orchard Road, occupies a nearly perfect location in the Bev Hills Post Office. The two acre parcel sits on a guard gated street, which helps to ensure the riff raff and the looky-loos won't be cruising the streets with digital cameras hoping to catch a glimpse of the neighborhood honchos and celebs as they boss the landscapers and instruct the maid where to set out the garbage cans. The perfectly private location overlooks the wilds of Franklin Canyon and provides its owner with all the amenities expected in a $6,000,000+ home including gorgeous views, a gated motor court, lighted tennis court and a lovely oval heated swimming pool.

What makes this lot less than perfect in Your Mama's humble opinion is Charleton Heston. Yes children, the gun loving senior citizen lives at the top of the hill in a modern mansion that overlooks Mister Vanja's property. We have no doubt that the siting of Mister Vanja's house obscures the prying eyes of Mister Heston, but it's not Mister Heston's eyes that worry us. It's the fear of stray bullets that might wander down as ol' Charlie stands on his deck and takes advantage of his right to bear arms.

Your Mama wants so much to like this house, because, Heston aside, we are really quite enamored of the location. But as we look at the photos of the 9,516 square foot house, we are simply mortified. Mor-tih-fied. How is it that a man with this much money can live in a house that looks like it has not had a nice gay decorator up in there since 1984?

We'll allow that the living room is not all bad. We like the large burnt orange colored carpet, and the lucite coffee table gives us goose bumps. We even dig the silver walls and we can live with the beige sofas, ordinary as they may be. But please do not get Your Mama started on the cock-eyed collection of picture frames on the wall, the swagged funeral home curtains or the lonely black lacquer screen. A talented and nice gay decorator go turn this room in to something really lovely with just three days and $5,000.

The rest of the decor, however, makes us puke in our mouth a little. We're sorry Mister Vanja, Your Mama does not intend to be cruel here, but we loathe the hand crafted parquet floors, the entrance hall looks like something in a dated Dallas mansion, and the master bedroom with the furniture fabric that matches the wallaper...well that's just criminal. We're also disturbed by the card table in the master bedroom. Card table? What?

Given the secluded location of the property, the detached 2 bedroom staff/guest quarters, and the tremendous master suite that features a fireplace, attached office, double bathrooms, sauna, and extensive closets, Your Mama thinks this would be an excellent house for a celebrity who is willing to take on the trouble and expense of a gut renovation. And, of course, the new owner will need to to wait out ol' Charlie up the hill before feeling safe to wander the patios, pool deck and tennis court without being a victim of an errant bullet.

The Lime Orchard Road enclave is home to many of Hollywoods rich and famous including Tom Freston and Guy Oseary. Earlier this week we discussed a couple other houses on Lime Orchard Road including Jessica Simpson's gorgeous spread, and the country Tudor that Bling Queen Kimora Lee Simmons recently purchased.

Sources: Go Fug Yourself, Internet Movie Data Base,