Randy Wolf Tosses His Crib on the Market

SELLER: Randy Wolf
LOCATION: Vicasa Drive, Calabasas, CA
PRICE: $4,250,000 (list)
SIZE: 10,204 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Spectacular custom built Med. estate, private and secluded. Guarded gate community. Magnificent estate of over 10,000 sq. ft. Features include a ballroom sized entry and dbl. oak stairs, living room and Great Room with three sitting areas each, a gourmet kitchen w/ Sub Zero and Jennaire appliances. Separate Home Theatre HD updated. Wood paneled Game Room. Tropical paradise in backyard. Master suite w/ sitting area. High Tech surround sound throughout.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: All of our friends and family well know that Your Mama does not know a thing about the professional sports people. However, with an assist from our ball crazy pal Fiona Trambeau, we are going to try to make some sense this morning and sound like we know the difference between a baseball and football, which of course, we do not. Not long ago, the world learned that San Diego Padres leftie pitcher Randy Wolf bought himself some new digs in the Hollywood Hills from Velvet Revolver gee-tarist Slash. Surely the children are not still so hopped up on last night's drug and alcohol binge that they can't recall the drama that whirled around that house?

Just in case, let's Reader's Digest the saga so everyone is up to date: In December of 2005, Slash forked over $6,250,000 to buy the Wattles Drive house because, it was rumored, he and the wifey Perla were headed to the high court of dee-vorce and the aging rock star was gonna need a place to lay up with all the Hollywood hussies who were sure to beat down his door with their Lucite heel sling backs the moment they got wind of the split. But the Mister and Missus managed to work out their differences and the Wattles Drive house went back on the market for $6,995,000. No buyers presented themselves. The asking price was reduced several times and Slash got so pissed the house wasn't selling he filed a million dollar lawsuit against his real estate agent claiming the agent misrepresented the property during the purchase. Please. Finally, Slash managed to unload his real estate mistake in December 2007 for $5,725,000, a gigantic financial loss. The buyer was the above mentioned ball tosser Randy Wolf.

As it turns out, Mister Wolf also needed to sell his Calabasas crib on Vicasa Drive in a small guard gated development which was recently on the market for $4,250,000. Property records reveal that the sidewinder purchased the tremendous 10,204 square foot residence on its .78 acre parcel in June of 2003 for $2,385,000.

Listing information indicates that in addition to the large public rooms (living, dining, kitchen, family, and game rooms), the brick shaped behemoth features a whopping 7 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms, which seems like an awful lot of house for a single fellow who was in his mid-20s when he bought the big house.

Now kids, we know that Mister Wolf had better things to do with his time than worry about the day-core of his stupendous suburban mansion, and we realize that the color of his furniture and the intricate swag of his curtains was probably of little or no interest to the man. But perhaps it should have been. Your Mama has never been a fan of these sprawling and newly built suburban mansions that are smothered in beige carpet and stuffed full of even more brown and beige furniture that is set off against black granite counter tops and Home Despot quality lighting fixtures, and this house is prime example of why we get all gaggy and bitchy when we're discussing those sorts of homes.

However, rather than get all steamed up and righteous about those deeply dee-pressing curtains that have us wanting to poke out our eyes with a fork, or that glitzy and impossible to keep clean black marble floor in the entrance hall, we'll try to take the high road this morning and find a few nice things to say. Your Mama always appreciates a long gated driveway with thick foliage at the front of the property to provides at least a sense of privacy and security. The four car garage is great for sheltering a fleet of big BMWs and there are two fireplaces, one in the formal living room and another in the master bedroom. Two is good, but we'd have preferred to see a third to anchor the commodious and beige family room also.

The movie thee-ay-ter is a nice feature (except for the vulgar red carpet), and although Your Mama is not and never will be a fan of grown men having children's toys on display, we do credit Mister Wolf with having such kooky and quirky objects as life size Star Wars mannequins, an air hockey table, and a sofa crafted from the butt end of a 1950s Cadillac. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would sooner peel off our own skin than have any of that crap cluttering up one of our homes, but at least the pleasingly paneled game room reflects Mister Wolf's gen-u-wine personality, unlike all those other beige, brown and banal rooms that are totally devoid of life.

We heard rumors from The Calabasas Cackler and the always in the know Lucy Spillerguts confirmed that Mister Wolf's house was purchased by recently rehabbed rock star Richie Sambora, the dumbass who left the soo-blime Heather Locklear for the publicity hungry crazy train that is Denise Richards. Naturally, those two parted company long ago, but not before the world was subjected to any number of pukey reports and photos of them sucking face everywhere they went.

As a side note, Your Mama hears that Slash and Perla have sold their long time crib that hovers above Valley Vista Boulevard in Sherman Oaks and are thisclose to purchasing a big new house on or just off Mulholland Drive. Details are slim at this point, but we'll see what we can dig up in the next few weeks.

Your Mama would like to wish Mister Wolf a happy home in the Hollywood Hills. Listen hunny, let Your Mama give you an unsolicited word of advice: Do yourself and all your guests a favor and spend some of your big San Diego Padres paycheck to hire a nice gay decorator to do up the day-core of your new house. If you need a few names, give Your Mama a shout and we'd be happy to hook you up.

One Hyde Park Floor Plan Porn

Yesterday, Your Mama received some fantastic information from a Continental cohort we'll call French Toast regarding the floor plans for the obscenely expensive One Hyde Park in London's Knightsbridge neighborhood. French Toast directed us towards the City of Westminster website that houses copies of the floor plans that were filed for One Hyde Park back in late 2005.

The moment we received the information from French Toast we began to sweat with glee and set about preparing a snappy discussion only to finish just as we received additional information from another lovely gentleman we'll call English Muffin. Now children, Your Mama does not know who this English Muffin person is, but he's apparently got enough cash and clout to provide Your Mama with an online brochure for One Hyde Park that include photos, an extensive list of services, and a sample floor plan for a typical 5 bedroom apartment that measures (approx.) 8,500 square feet with 5 bedrooms, 6 full and 2 half bathrooms.
While 8,500 square feet is far more space than Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's hard working house gurl Svetlana would ever agree to clean, we are none the less impressed with the general layout, which the brochure explains can be tweaked and altered with the assistance of the Candy and Candy design team...for a considerable fee, no doubt. Residents and invited guest enter the flawless flats though a private glass elevator and restricted lobby area while staff and service people enter through a different elevator bank altogether, so there's never any reason for the lowly laundry ladee to ever darken the front door of all the rich Russians and mega money Middle Eastern residents.
The floor plan porn (above) reveals that in addition to the wrapped in glass living room with a private balcony hanging over Hyde Park, there is a huge dining room, large library, medium sized media room, an office suite, and a massive eat in kitchen with a large butler's pantry which appear to include dumb waiters to bring groceries and supplies from the garage and the lobby, which we're certain the staff will appreciate for not having schlep everything up the elevators on their minimum wage backs.

The children will note that each of the five bedrooms (one of which can easily be converted into a staff suite) features a private pooper, and the lavish master bedroom contains a large sitting area, private balcony, twin dressing rooms and two ginormous bathrooms.

English Toast informs us that the people at One Hyde Park indicated to him that units range from 1,600 to 10,000 square feet and prices start at around £7,000,000, which converts to $13,651,610 at today's rate on Oanda.

In addition to the amenities we've previously mentioned such as bullet proof glass, a panic room, private underground parking, hotel services by the Mandarin Oriental Hotel Group, and etc., the glossy brochure reveal that the bespoke building will offer a full compliment of leisure facilities that includes a 22M swimming pool (72+ feet), a golf simulator, and a fitness room. A communal wine cellar can be used by the ritzy residents for private parties (we presume each owner has individual and locked wine cabinets), and a screening room that seats 30 can be reserved for private screenings. The ground floor will host "smart business facilities," which will include state of the art meeting rooms with video conferencing abilities.

Phew! Now puppies, Your Mama is going to go lay down because we are plum worn out from all the exuberant and unapologetically high priced luxury. We suggest you do the same after you pour over that floor plan and decide where you'd put your recliner. We kid.

Khandi's Khrib of Fours

SELLER: Khandi Alexander
LOCATION: Woodshill Trail, West Hollywood, CA
PRICE: reduced to $2,995,000 from $4,495,000
SIZE: 4,126, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Fabulous! Celebrity owned hip estate behind Chateau Marmont. Head on dramatic city views are just the bonus to this spectacular home. Soaring ceilings in every room, 5 fireplaces, walk-in closet, gym, library, office, pool, spa, and grassy side yard for dogs. 3 car garage, at the end of a cul-de-sac with tremendous privacy and security. This house is sunshine bright with a full on southern exposure. Completely redone. Just bring your toothbrush - property is sold furnished!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Last week, Your Mama floated a tidbit about CSI: Miami actress and buxom icon Khandi Alexander listing her home located up behind the Chateau Marmont Hotel, where rich and famous folks often gather for cocktails and adulterous rendezvous. Being the nervous and superstitious type that we are, Your Mama's big ol' ears pricked right up when we read through the listing and noted the repetition of the number four: 4 stories, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms, 4,126 square feet with an asking price of $4,495,000. We don't have a clue what all those fours mean, but children, mark my words, that number 4 is significant. Some numerologist type should get on the horn quick and try to convince Miss Khandi to sell her khrib for $4,444,444.

Property records show that the dee-lishus Miss Khandi purchased her multi-floor khrib on itty bitty Woodshill Trail in the hills above Hollywood in January of 2006 for $2,850,000. Listing information indicates that in addition to the 4 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms, the "recently redone" house includes 5 fireplaces (too bad there's not just 4), a gym, library, office, a 3-car garage, (why not make room for 4?), a small grassy side yards for the canines, full on southern sun exposure, a swimming pool, spa, and soaring ceilings in every room. Which all sounds good...on paper.

When Miss Khandi's khrib first hit the market, no pictures were included for all us nosy real estate gossip types to pour over. Now there are. And Khandi gurl, we gotta say, we are not impressed. We just hope that you have done packed your flat irons and push up brassieres and already moved on because the photographs of your khrib look about as alive as the nursing home where they used to keep Your Mama's mama's poor old Aunt Velma.

Your Mama confesses: we luv us some Khandi Alexander and because of our undying affection for the bosomalicious babe and her flawless chi-chis, we are somewhat reluctant to speak ill about those upsetting and confusing faux cornerstones on the exterior that fail to give the place a "French" vibe, which is what we think they're supposed to do. We're also not sure we want to get into the entrance hall looking like an airport terminal in Kuwait, the dining room with it's wall of mirrors that force diners to watch all the masticating in visual stereo, and we certainly don't want to bring up the obvious danger of stepping out of that patio door after a half a dozen gin and tonics and falling di-rectly into the mini-pool.

For some unknown reason, the Miss Khandi's khrib is being sold furnished, which perplexes Your Mama but should please all lovers of fake suede and white rugs.

Here's what Your Mama wants to know...is there an elevator in this house? Because navigating four floors of residence without an elevator could easily get a little difficult unless you're one of those firm gluted exercise freaks that are so common around Los Angeles. The other thing we want to know is if a good pair of binoculars allow one to peer into the rooms of the Chateau Marmont? The ability would certain save on the cable bill because who needs reality TV when you can sit on the balcony and watch the sordid doings at the Marmont day and night?

Although we are not a big fan of this house, Your Mama sincerely wishes Miss Khandi much luck in selling her house and the furniture to someone who likes climbing stairs. And wherever she may land next, we sincerely hope she'll khool it on the fake suede and white rugs. Seriously gurl, give Your Mama a shout and we'll hook you up with a nice gay decorator that will rock your next khrib into the sensational celebrity hideaway you deserve.