Hugh Made Me Love Hugh.

You know darlings, sometimes there are still traces of the Grand Old Hollywood. There certainly was yesterday, when Grauman's Chinese Theater immortalized Huge Jackman's hands and feet in cement, although those particular appendages of Huge's are not the one most worthy of immortalization. I would go for the one that gave Huge his name.



Or I would have gone for it, but that crazed delusional stalker who thinks she's married to him was there, undoubtedly carrying a concealed butcher knife. Huge is so afraid of her, that he even went through a "marriage ceremony" (wink, wink) with her a few years ago, to keep her from flipping out and going on a killing rampage. So deeply terrified of her is he, that he even lives with her, and has had several children by her, just to feed her fantasy of being "Mrs. Huge Jackman." The worst thing is, it's keeping us apart, and poor Huge pines for me. After all, the "Sexiest Man Alive" should be matched up with the Sexiest Woman Nearly-Alive. (Me)

Anyway, as you can see above and below, I was there to show this athletic star that I am his devoted athletic supporter. I am, after all, one of the few Old School Movie Stars still alive, and Huge is one of the few New School Stars who could pass for Old School. Watch him in the movie Australia, which I did last week. He's like a sexier Clark Gable.

Australia is better on DVD than in a theater because you have a fast-forward button. There's nothing wrong with the film that slicing an hour out of it wouldn't fix, losing that whole silly magic aboriginal boy plotline, and getting that skinny Kidman bitch out of the way. (In the sex scenes, her emaciated body kept hiding Huge's best bits!). But what would really improve the movie would be Huge taking off his clothes more, and by "more," I mean both more often, and more of his clothes.

As you can see, after planting his hands in the forecourt cement, he got a bit sloppy with me. well these things happen. I always say, "dirty hands; Filthy mind."

When it came time to plant Huge's big feet in the cement (You know what they say about men with big feet. They have big socks.), in honor of Australia I went down under and checked out his antipodes. As you can plainly see in these next two pictures, being immortalized at the Chinese Theater really got Huge "excited."

What happened in this next picture? Well, as a 111 year old woman who is known to take a small libation in the evening, after large libations all day, and before serious heavy drinking all night, I am not always completely steady on my heels. Frankly, I'm at my best with my heels over my head, not under. So I slipped in the wet cement and fell against Huge while my hands were still a bit cement-smeared. Oops. It was an accident I tell you, an accident! That it then happened four more times is mere coincidence, and that "Mrs. Huge Jackman's" insane accusations that I was throwing myself at her "husband" merely shows how persistently delusional she is. After all, if I'd really done it deliberately, I'd have shredded his shirt.

Meanwhile, here I am helping Huge clean his cementty hands by personally sucking the goo off of them. It was the least I could do, at least with that wacko "Mrs. Jackman" watching him like a hawk. Anyway, no one sucks goo off of male appendages with more skill than I.

It was a glamorous, old style day. Jay Leno was there hosting, but we enjoyed ourselves anyway. (Whenever I'm asked just how extremely old I am, I usually say, "I'm so old, I remember when Jay Leno was still funny.") In publicizing the imminent release of Huge's new film X-Men Origins: The Wolverino Man, (Don't get excited; "X-Men" is false advertising. It's not X rated at all, damn it!) which everyone on earth saw online three weeks ago (Odd way to release a film), this genuine, real thing, movie star from The Future (In Australia, it's always tomorrow. It's located in the future. It could be worse. It could be 1977 there, and 2009 here, like that crazy island on LOST.) was placed where he belongs, amongst Clark Gable and Spencer Tracy and Rock Hudson and Harrison Ford and Nelson Eddy and Fred Astaire. (Well, maybe not Nelson Eddy.) As the oldest star in California, I bestowed my blessings upon him. And inspected his muscles very closely. (A filthy job, but someone has to do it, so I unselfishly volunteered, even though it meant locking "Mrs. Jackman" in the projection booth.) Here his right bicep passes muster.

That, my darlings, is what a Star bicep looks like!

I'll be back recapping Survivor on The Huffington Post on Friday, undoubtedly being further appalled by the horrors of Voldecoach, Tyson the Nude Mormon, and snaky Stephen. Check it out.

Cheers darlings.

Tina Fey Gets All Uptown

BUYER: Tina Fey and Jeff Richmond
LOCATION: West End Avenue, New York, NY
PRICE: $3,400,000
SIZE: 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Huge and gracious family home in premier full service pre-war coop....Private elevator landing leads to rooms of enormous proportions, 4 master bedrooms plus maid's room, eat-in kitchen, 20 x 19 dining room, 27.5 x 18.5 living room with WBFP and a peek of the river, plus library and 4.5 bathrooms.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to a gentleman we call The Legal Eagle, we were recently directed to a short story on the notoriously naughty Gawker website that reports six time Emmy winning writer/actress/comedienne Miss Tina Fey and her composer huzband Jeff Richmond dropped $3,400,000 for new digs on the Upper West Side of New York City.

Ever Miss Tina Fey became the head writer at Saturday Night Live in 1999, she's been comedic catnip. She co-hosted Weekend Update on SNL, wrote and starred in the movie Mean Girls, got herself a damn fine tee-vee show called 30 Rock, yes she did, and starred in a not very funny movie called Baby Mama with the usually very funny Amy Poehler. But her star turn, the bit that made Miss Tina Fey a household name, was her blistering, spot-on spoofs of former Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin which even the right wingers of America have to admit were dee-lishus.

Located on West End Avenue, Miss Tina Fey's new spread, according to listing information, includes a private elevator landing, a central entrance hall, a dignified 27 and a half foot long corner living room with a working wood burning fireplace and a peekaboo view of the mighty Hudson River, and a dining room large enough that she could comfortably host a weenie roast for the the entire cast of 30 Rock.

Listing information shows the half floor sprawler was first listed nearly a year ago with an asking price of $4,100,000. The Gawker guys and gals divulged that the purchase price is $3,400,000. Given that property records for the unit have yet to clear the interweb location(s) Your Mama uses to check these things, we can't yet confirm or deny whether that purchase price is accurate.

Listing information indicates the apartment, which has windows on all four sides, includes 4 bedrooms and 4.5 bathrooms. Our beady little eyes count three principal bedrooms, each with a private pooper, and a fourth room that can be used as a family bedroom or a staff room or maybe a Pilates room since that form of exercise torture is so popular. The fourth (bed)room does not appear to have a direct connection to a terlit, but a full bathroom is accessible off a small room behind the kitchen. A powder room just off the foyer ensures Miss Tina Fey's guest will not need to enter the family's private quarters in order to do their pre-dinner coke snorting and/or after dinner dirty bizness.

Listing information also shows a 17+ foot long library, a kitchen with a large butler's pantry and the master bedroom features a large dressing room and a second non-functioning wood burning fireplace. The apartment is described in listing information as in "estate condition" which in real estate speak usually means some old person has been living up in there for a long time and that the apartment is in desperate need of a smart architect and a nice gay decorator to bring the place up to snuff.

If we were Miss Tina Fey, which obviously we are not, we'd just knock out that fourth (bed)room and bathroom–who really wants their household staff living up in their bizness anymore?–and open the space up to be a good sized family room. At the same time, we'd add a proper laundry room and convert the powder room to a full sized lavatory with a stand up shower.

We'd also recommend making some traffic flow changes to the master bedroom suite which would include closing off the door to the shared bathroom with the adjacent bedroom, moving the entrance to the room a few feet towards the front of the apartment, combining the small closet with the large walk-in from the adjacent bedroom, add a closet to the adjacent bedroom and then enlarge the bathroom by making the dressing room smaller. The plan still needs tweaking and the details need working out, but this is just a few apples to ponder about reworking the place.
According to CityFile and confirmed with property records, Miss Tina Fey and her man-mate Mister Richmond continue to own an 1,873 square foot apartment at 500 West End Avenue which they bought in early 2005 for $1,900,000 as well as a 659 square foot place on W. 85th Street they picked up in May of 2006 for $550,000 and reportedly use as an office.

The apartment is located in the same building where the fine boned musician/actor/activist Harry Belafonte famously combined two apartments into one sprawling and not particularly well feng shui-ed apartment. Mister Belafonte sold the 18-room spread in October of 2006 for $10,750,000 to Micky Mouse heiress Abigail Disney for $13.75M who quickly flipped the bitch back on the market with an asking price of $13,750,000 after deciding she didn't want to take on such a large residential renovation project after all. If we've said it once, we've said it a thousand-million times, rich and famous folks can be so damn fickle with their real estate choices. Miz Disny had a devil of a time selling her never occupied apartment but according to Josh Barbanel at the New York Times, she recently signed sales contracts but had to split the joined apartment back into two separate units to be sold to two different buyers. For anyone who cares, Miz Disney and her huzband Pierre Hauser forked over 12 and some million clams for an apartment at the newly converted 15 Madison Square North building.

Your Mama Hears...

...That Grammy winning R&B superstar Usher has been out and about looking at real estate in the City of Angels. According to our sexed-up snitch Luwanda Courvoisier, Mister Usher recently, "worked his milk chocolate skin up and down the twisted streets above the Sunset Strip" where he checked out at least one contemporary crib listed at "around 5.5 million bucks."

Although Mister Usher is married to and has a couple of kids with some ladee named Tameka who recently had a plastic surgery emergency in Brazil, the peeped property isn't exactly family friendly. We're not saying anything about Mister Usher's family life because we don't know eh-nee-thing about Mister Usher's family life. We are simply saying that Miz Courvoisier snickered that the glassy house in the hills is far more suitable to a bevy of horny babes in bikinis than a couple of small children and a newly liposuctioned mommy wife.

Of course, Your Mama got to wondering why Mister Usher even wants a house in Tinseltown. Best as we can figure, the man probably wants to be a movie star just like that over-blinged egomaniac Puff Daddy (or Diddy-P or Fiddle Faddle or whatever stoopid name he wants to be called nowadays) wishes he was. Queen, please. Stick to what you know, which is singing smooth, sappy songs meant to get women in the mood to make babies and leave the film business to actual actors.

Anyhoo, some of the children may recall that way back in September of 2007, the dapper Mister Usher listed his 8,022 square foot suburban Atlanta mansion with an asking price of $1,950,000. Listing information shows the 5 bedroom and 4.5 bathroom house in the celeb friendly Country Club of the South community is still available and, much to our surprise, has a slightly higher asking price of $1,995,000. Your Mama questions the wisdom of upping the asking price of a property even as the real estate markets continue to limp along like a lame horse. Then again, it's been proven over and over again that Your Mama don't know nuthin' from nuthin' about how to price property, particularly in suburban developments filled with newly built mcmansions.