Matthew Barney Buys in Brooklyn and Sells in Manhattan

SELLER: Matthew Barney
LOCATION: West Houston Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $1,700,000
SIZE: 1 bedroom, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Over sized 1 Bedroom, 2 Bath apartment, with wrap terrace. Large bedroom with en suite bathroom and door to the wrap terrace. The living room has large picture windows overlooking the terrace and then the NYC uptown skyline. There is a separate dining area , and a windowed renovated kitchen. There is another door to the terrace from the dining area. The terrace is approximately 500 sq ft, with a large lounge area out side of the dining area, perfect for entertaining while watching the sunset over Manhattan...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This morning Your Mama rode piggy-back on rumors and reports that enigmatic Icelandic musician Björk Gudmundsdottir and her heavy hitting art star huzband Matthew Barney are fixin' to set up house in Brooklyn, NY. At the time we knew nada except that the couple had been hunting for a new house for quite some time.

Well children, y'all are in luck today because thanks to our ever-intrepid researcher B.S. Beaverman we've not only learned that the couple is indeed moving to Brooklyn, Brooklyn Heights to be more precise, but it's also been brought to our attention that Mister Barney's current crib on West Houston Street in the lower West Village is listed for sale with an asking price of $1,700,000. Before we get to that, let's discuss the Barney's new nest.

According to B.S. Beaverman–who with a little help from the peeps at Streeteasy and Property Shark has backed up his assertions with property records on file with the city of New York–Mister and Missus Esoteric Artists are in the process of purchasing a pre-war penthouse on Henry Street. According to listing information dug up out of thin air by B.S. Beaverman, the top floor spread is currently configured with 4 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms and was last listed at $4,250,000. The full floor, (approx.) 3,000 square foot penthouse also, according to listing information, includes a living room with a wood burning fireplace, a dining room that opens into one of those horrid greenhouse things that heat up like an oven during the humid dog days of New York City summers, and an eat in kitchen with flower printed wallpaper that Your Mama hopes and prays the Barneys will get rid of.

There are also, according to listing information, a small office and a large laundry room adjacent to the kitchen and in the gallery/hallway between the living and dining rooms is a 350 bottle temperature controlled wine closet. The wrap around terrace, which actually wraps all the way around the apartment, has been outfitted with a computerized watering system and has views of the Brooklyn Bridge and lower Manhattan skyline. A rare amenity in many fancy pre-war buildings is the 3-zone central air conditioning.

Now then, back to the Manhattan apartment that Mister Barney bought back in 2004 which occupies a high floor of a centrally located elevator building with a part-time doorman. The co-operative crib of unknown square footage includes just one bedroom, 2 poopers and a large, sparsely furnished living/dining room with matte finished wood floors and walls painted a somewhat uncomfortable shade of blue. Normally Your Mama would beef about that day-core, or the lack thereof, until the cows came home or someone told us to shut our trap. However, let's be honest kittens, Mister Barney's head is cluttered up with too many other weird and wonderful figments and fascinations to be bothered with much more than the bare decorative necessities.

The lone bedroom has been painted black...black black...and contains little else besides a platform bed, a slim side table, and a couple of reading lamps mounted to the wall behind the bed. We're sure some of the children will think it's morbid, unpleasant or just plain silly to paint a bedroom black, and a few years ago we might have been in that same boat of bitchery. However, after viewing the undeniably chic and glammy bedroom of certain Martha Stewart employee we (barely) know, we are converts to black bedrooms. Before y'all dip your dirty minds down into the gutter, there was nothing illicit about our visit to said black bedroom. We were simply attending a dee-voon dinner party and saw the room with all the other wildly interesting dinner guests while getting the grand tour of the host's below Houston Street digs.

Anyhoo, Mister Barney's bachelor pad penthouse has, according to listing information, a renovated kitchen, which is lovely. However, this kitchen is so terrifically narrow that it pretty much guarantees the occupants will be eating out or ordering in because, hunnies, even scaring up a damn taco in that itty-bitty kitchen would be like pulling a tuba through the eye of a needle.

As far as Your Mama is concerned there are three pièce de résistance for this one bedroom apartment even though it is priced like a two bedroom. First is the 500 square foot terrace that allows for outdoor dining, nood sunbathing and watching the sun go down and the glittery lights on lower Manhattan sprinkle on. The second is being able to get from the living room to an outdoor table at Da Silvano on Sixth Avenue in like four minutes or less depending on the lights. The third irresistible feature of Mister Barney's wee pad is the goose-pimpling proximity to the faboo Film Forum where every single damn day New Yorkers get to sit in the dark and watch independent movies that most people in the rest of the good ol' U.S.A. have probably never seen nor will ever even hear about. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter may now be living in the movie capital of the world but we miss movies in Manhattan because it's nearly impossible to see anything in this town that isn't churned out by one of the major movie studios.

But we digress. Stay tuned tomorrow, because pumpkins, there is more to this story but we ain't got time to tell it today.

Are Björk and Matthew Barney Going Brooklyn?

There have been some recent real estate rumors floating around via tweets and twitters that Icelandic iconoclast Björk and her wildly successful (and attractive) artist huzband Matthew Barney–he of the ka-razy and epic Cremaster Cycle and more recently the equally Delphian Drawing Restraint–are moving to Brooklyn.

The rumors were, to put it mildly, vague, vague, vague. However, the Brownstoner, one of the, if not the definitive blog about all things Brooklyn, reported earlier today that they have enough confirmation on the matter to reveal that King and Queen Esoteric Artists are moving to a "phat pad in Brooklyn Heights." That's all they'll reveal.

Another Brooklyn blog called Brooklyn Heights Blog quickly followed up that report with a totally unsubstantiated rumor that the brilliantly kooky couple are moving into a high rise building.

Here's what Your Mama knows about that: Nothing.

What we do know is that Mister and Missus Barney have been scouting around town for a new crib to call home for quite some time. We also know that last year they nixed a 4-floor townhouse on E. 7th Street (at Avenue B) in the East Village. We know that because we know the (former) owners of said East Village townhouse.

As for their setting down roots on the Brooklyn side of the East River? Could be. Makes sense. We'll just have to wait and see what other information on the matter bubbles up and slips down the gossip grapevine in the next few days. In the meantime, any of you Brooklynites who want to educate Your Mama on the matter are welcome and encouraged to send us a covert communique over the internets.

Another Housewife Biting the Real Estate Dust?

Oh dear.

According to the ever-intrepid folks at gossip juggernaut TMZ, another of the supposed to be rich housewives from Orange County is embroiled in another real estate fracas. This time it is the sweet but entirely too tan "jewelry" designer Lynne Curtin who was, just today, served with a three day notice to perform or face eviction by her Laguna Beach, CA landlord.

That's right chickens, her landlord. Apparently Miz Curtin and her building contractor huzband Frank rent their house in laid back but exorbitantly priced Laguna Beach and, according to the eviction notice, the couple owe their landlord $12,363 in unpaid security deposit, late fees and unreimbursed moving expenses. The homeowner also claims that the utilities to the house have been turned off because the Curtains have failed to pay them and, because real estate drama often arrives in threes, a real estate agent is huffing and puffing that she never received the $2,500 commission owed to her for arranging the lease for the Curtins.

Your Mama does not actually know where the Curtin's new crib is but we do know thanks to Lucy Spillerguts that until sometime in June of 2009 Mister and Missus Curtin occupied one half of a duplex condo property on Camino Capistrano in Dana Point, CA.

Now listen children, Your Mama is certain that Mister and Missus Curtin or their spokesperson will shortly put out some sort of statement that this is all some sort of mistake and the check got lost in the mail and that it's already all cleared up or some such thing. And we sincerely hope that's the case because we never like to see anyone turned out of their (rented) house.

However, we do have a beef with booze swilling tee-vee show host/Senior Vice President of Production and Programming Andy Cohen and his casting minions at The Bravo who can't seem to find actual rich people to star in their Real Housewives of... franchise which is supposed to be about actual (nouveau riche) rich people and their disturbingly profligate ways and not cash-strapped couples who spend in the most frivolous, indiscriminate and vulgar manner even though they're not paying their mortgage. That is, not paying their mortgage iffin they even have a damn mortgage.

First was former mortgage broker and wannabe housewife Slade Smiley from the Orange County version whose home slid into foreclosure back in early 2008.

A few months ago, hot and spicy housewife NeNe Leakes in Atlanta was rumored and reported to have been evicted from her rental house last year. She sorta denied it.

More recently Lisa Wu Hartwell and her former footballing huzband Ed were tossed from their pond fronting multi-million dollar mansion in the St. Marlo Country Club community in Duluth, GA after defaulting on their mortgage. Their reps claim the couple tried to restructure their mortgage but since the house had lost a ton of value the bank said, nay. They have, according to their peeps, settled in a new house on 10 acres that they own.

Let's not forget recent dee-vorcee She by Sheree Whitfield whose suburban Atlanta manse was foreclosed earlier this year because, she claims, she was clueless about the fact that her mean ol' ex-huzband Bob was not paying the mortgage. We'd bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Bevelry that there is more to this story than She by Sheree is saying.

Then there's former Playboy Playmate turned real estate pusher Jeana Keough who somehow managed to restructure several mortgages she has on several pricey properties in Orange County and currently has her eight terlit spread in the gated community of Coto de Caza listed with an optimistic asking price of $4,900,000.

Next up is thinks-she's-the-hottest-housewife Tamra Barney and her tequila selling huzband Simon who have their Ladera Ranch, CA tract house listed as a short sale at $1,149,000. They paid $1,320,500 for the 5 bedroom mock-Mediterranean in August of 2005. Of course, they're spinning the situation like they don't mind eating the loss so they can take advantage of a weak housing market and buy a foreclosed property or a buildable lot where they can erect a new and better faux-Tuscan tract house.

And then there is woman-with-a-past Danielle "Beverly Merrill" Staub in New Jersey who admitted during an early segment of that series that she's about two minutes and a Range Rover payment from financial ruin because she and her ex-huzband can not come to terms on the details of their acrimonious dee-vorce.

And let's not forget that hot-tempered, curly-haired baller Teresa Giudice in New Jersey who pays for everything with a wad of cash as big as a roll of terlit paper. Now, it can certainly be argued that if table tossing Teresa is humping around Franklin Lakes with a couple hundred grand in her designer handbag she's rich. However, iffin anyone were to ask Your Mama, and of course no one did, we're suspicious because, pleeze, let's be honest, who does that–on national tee-vee for chrissakes–if they ain't trying to prove something to somebody?

Next up? One of those bonkers behawtchas in New York? Have mercy.