Another of Kelse and Cammy's Big Houses

SELLERS: Kelsey and Camille Grammer
LOCATION: Beverly Park Lane, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: $22,000,000 (sale price)
SIZE: 17,831 square feet, 8 bedrooms, 12 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This magnificent, new Italian villa is reminiscent of one of the most renowned European villas built in the 16th century. This unparalleled new residence has been execute din the grandeur of an old world manor. One of the most exciting properties from every aspect, uncompromising quality construction and one of the finest in craftsmanship have all come together to create a dream come true in residential living. Situation on over two level acres in the premier guard-gated enclave of Beverly park.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: After discussing the Bel Air house that Mister and Missus Grammer recently sold to Salma Hayek and her baby daddy Francois-Henri Pinault, we couldn't resist looking backward at some of the Grammers' former homes. So this morning we bring you the hotel-sized house they called home from January of 2004 to January of 2006.

According to property records the couple purchased the home for the spine tingling price of $17,500,000. A house this large and lavish requires a team of decorators and the Grammers more than likely spent an additional million clams to furnish the behemoth. Think about it hunnies, these people did not need one sofa, or even two sofas, like most people. No sirree bob, you can bet they needed 12 or 16 sofas, twice as many chairs and dozens of end tables.

Located in the uber exclusive and celebrity laden community of Beverly Park and sprawling across 17,581 square feet (19,040 according to the listing), the house was built in 2003 to resemble a 16th century European villa. Your Mama is quite sure there is nothing but the finest materials up in this house and we're quite sure that only top-notch, highly paid, and super skilled craftsman were used to lay the floors, cut the marble, and stack the stones.

Now children, Your Mama is no stranger to luxury and we know as many rich people as the next person, but none the less we have a hard time understanding how someone can feel comfortable surrounded by this sort of opulence. Not to mention feel comfortable surrounded by the vast number of people who must be on the property at all times just to keep the place functioning and looking pretty. There is the house manager, the house keeper, the butler, the cook, the driver, 2-4 maids, the laundress, the pool people, the landscapers, the fix it guy, the personal trainer and yoga guru, the assistants and the assistants to the assistants. It disturbs and depresses Your Mama to think of the payroll associated with this house. We can all be assured the monthly payout to staff is far more than most people earn in a year.

Because of the large assortment of staff on the property at all times, this is absolutely not the sort of house one comes home to late on a Wednesday afternoon to strip down by the pool, smoke a doobie and read Star Magazine. First the household staff will all whisper about it in the pantries and cleaning closets, and then they'll get in their Daiwoos and Kias and drive down the hill where they're going to tell all their family and friends how you like to sit nekkid by the pool smoking doobies.

So if anyone cares, and we know you don't, this sort of mega mansion is decidedly not how Your Mama would chose to live even if we did have the constantly rolling in residual checks that Mister Grammer has.

The house was listed at $25,000,000 and records reflect that the Grammers sold the place for an eye popping $22,000,000. Which means in just two years of ownership, they pocketed $4,500,000. Now how many times has Your mama told the children that one of the many ways rich folks get richer is buying and selling high end properties to other, even richer folks?

The ocean front house in Malibu that the Grammers purchased in 2001 is currently on the market for $13,450,000. Mister Big Time tells us the Grammers sold this house in 2004 for $8,500,000, but we are unable to verify that sale. In fact, a cursory look through the records we access indicates the Grammers may still own the house. But we defer to Mister Big Time's knowledge and expertise on the 2004 sale of this property.

As we mentioned in our discussion of the house the Grammers sold to Salma Hayek, Your Mama hears the Grammers will soon be moving to another Bel Air mansion that sits closer to Sunset Boulevard on Baroda Drive. We expect the maids will just finish getting the cashmere sweaters in the custom closets and the linens on the beds and the Grammers will call a staff meeting to let them all know they're moving again.

P.S. The house across the street is currently on the market for $34,000,000. Owned by the Coors family, who made much of the millions selling bad beer, the house has 17,826 square feet, and according to the listing, 9 bedrooms, 9 baths. Your Mama assumes there are elegantly designed and discreetly hidden beer taps in every room.

Sources: Big Time Listings, LA Times

Nanci Chambers and David Elliot in Brentwood

SELLER: David Elliot and Nanci Chambers
LOCATION: Travis Street, Brentwood, CA
PRICE: $3,250,000
SIZE: 3,276 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Elegant 5 bedroom 4.5 bath Traditional home has been beautifully renovated w/ a tasteful designer's touch. Gourmet kitchen that serves as teh focal point of the thome. Family room w/ oversized brick fp & buuilt-ins, an exquisite master bath w/ large closets & French doors from most vantage points. Open/airy & indoor/outdoor flow. 10,000 sq. ft. lot, manicured lawns, gardens & specimen trees & a raised spa that flows down a tranquil babbling brook.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Hunnies, did you watch that JAG program that was on the boob tube a few years ago? Your Mama did not, but it would appear that many folks did. We can't even begin to tell y'all what the program was about, but a quick look on the internet and we find that the critics saw fit to hand out lots of Emmy nominations,and three wins, to the program.

Two of the actors on that program, the good looking Mister David Elliot, and his wife, the good looking Nanci Chambers, are the owners of the Brentwood house we're going to discuss today. Naturally, Your Mama had never heard of either of these two, but another internet search tells us that the Canadian born Mister was included on People magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People in the World back in 1996, that he spent a couple of his early years honing his craft in Shakespeare plays, and he runs the Boston Marathon. For charity. Well isn't that nice? Your Mama believes in charity, we do, but we're not about to run around the damn block for charity, let alone run a distance that would take us across a state line.

The Elliot/Chambers house is located in a nice, non-descript section of Brentwood that sits in the morning shadow of The Getty Museum. The area is nice, it's Brentwood afterall, but seriously people, Your Mama is falling down with flabbergast and shock to learn that home prices top $3,00,000 in this lackluster part of town.

They used to say that a million bucks isn't what it's used to be. Well children, you heard it from Your Mama first, $3 million ain't what it used to be either. Lawhd children, most of the residences up in here don't even have backyard swimming pools. Which means that not only are you paying $3,000,000 for a house, but you gotta drag your flabby ass and loud children to the community swimming pool where you run the risk of contacting any number of foul diseases and where other parent-people will want to be your friend just because your children are playing in the pool together. Uhm, no. Your Mama would rather slip needles in our naughty bits than make play dates with Patty at the public pool.

Anyhoo, property records indicate that these Canadian bred television actors purchased their Brentwood house in October of 2002, which would have been towards the tail end of JAG's ten year run. Your Mama apologizes for not being able to bring you the actual sales price, but from the records we access, we're guessing they paid well under $2 million.

The house has been dressed up with a somewhat contemporary spin on traditional decor. We like the white sofas (we always like white sofas, don't we?), and the dark stained floors. We covet the George Nelson bubble fixture above the dining room table, but don't think that particular size and shape was the correct choice for the room. We might have chosen this one instead. Although we are not so fond of the traditional cabinetry in the kitchen, and the pot rack upsets us considerably, we do like the large size and layout. And of course we appreciate the Viking appliances, which were a solid and expensive choice, and we particularly enjoy the nice peaked and beamed wood ceiling .

Out in the back yard, an unusually shaped spa spills into a "babbling brook" lined with stones. Sorry kids, we did not include a photo of this feature, but it sounds lovely to have a babbling brook out back, doesn't it? Generally speaking the back yard has been nicely landscaped and the tree ringed property provides excellent privacy for sunbathing in the buff.

Here's the thing with this house as far as we're concerned: It's not a bad house for a suburbanish family house, and clearly the couple have sunk some dough into renovating the kitchen and baths. None the less, for three and a quarter million clams Your Mama wants electronic security gates and a heated swimming pool. No question about it. For that amount of money we want to feel insulated and protected from the wild and dangerous streets of Brentwood, and have a recreational oasis out back.

Even still, we're quite sure some well to do mommy and daddy will soon come along, see this house and think it's purr-fection precisely because it does not have a swimming pool. No pool means not having to worry about the nanny falling asleep on the job resulting in the demise of Junior and Juniorina.

Given that the good looking Mister Elliot has landed another television job on yet another program we've never hear of or seen (Close to Home), we expect the couple and their two children will be moving to a slightly less non-descript neighborhood and into a house with security gates and a swimming pool. At least that's what Your Mama would recommend.

Sources: Internet Movie Data Base

Jim Beam Grid Girls 01

Gizmondo Racing Girl02

Tattoo Girls

Lexmark Gold Coast Indy 2006 Babes 02

Debec Girl 03

Vidal Sassoon's Precision Flip

Your Mama has received so many emails asking and begging that we discuss the Neutra designed house high in the hills of Bel Air that venerated beautician Vidal Sassoon has recently dumped on the market for a shocking $19,500,000.

So we're going to flip you over to RADAR where they've got the pix and sassy commentary.

What Your Mama wants to know from all you Los Angeles modernist house nuts is do y'all think this property is reasonably priced?

P.S. Your Mama does not think Mister Sassoon actually lived up in this modern masterpiece. He has long owned another modern house on Calle Vista Drive in Beverly Hills where his nearby neighbors include uber-agent Kevin Huvane, producer Jerry Weintraub, Miss Merv Griffin, as well as the house TomKat recently purchased for $32.5 million.

If You Can't Be Gisele, You Can At Least Rent Her Manhattan Penthouse

OWNER: Gisele Bundchen
LOCATION: West 11th Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $29,000/month
SIZE: 1,754 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Fabulous FURNISHED Penthouse Triplex with gorgeous views of the Hudson River from all rooms with approx. 2500 sq. ft. planted terrace equipped with chef's professional grill and furnitures. There is also a hot tub/jacuzzi on the private roof deck. This residence with key locked elevator features 2 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, complete with drop dead river views on each floor with interiors done in a soft Brazilian style. It is furnished with flat screen TV's, A/V equipment, subzero fridge and has central A/C.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: This morning we're going to jump on the back of Braden Keil of the NY Post who writes in his Gimme Shelter column that Brazilian super model Gisele Bundchen is looking to lease out her West Village penthouse for the month of August for the Birkin Bag busting price of $29,000.

Your Mama knows ya'll are asking the same thing we are. Why? This skinny bitch's bank account is fat. F.A.T. So fat that she makes makes nasty tempered parolee Naomi Campbell look like a pauper. So it's not that she needs the money.

Besides, who gets top dollar leasing their fancy place out in August? in New York City? In August? Lahwd children, have you been to New York City in August? It's hot as Hades and the humidity sits so heavy on the air it's like breathing cotton. And do we even need to discuss the odors that assault people as they walk the streets? Think melting dog crap that people do not pick up because it's too much effort to bend over in the extreme heat, evaporating urine (canine and human), rotting garbage, and the disturbing body odor of strangers standing in line at the supermarket.

And trust Your Mama when we tell you that come August, people who are stuck in New York City are edgy and angry from the heat. Seriously, do not fuck with a sweaty New Yorker in August, because even a Junior Leaguer wearing Chanel sandals would sooner cut you than compromise over who is getting into the lone taxi cab on Fifth Avenue at 4:30pm.

Let's be honest, most with the means to afford a $29,000 monthly sublet flee New York City in August in order to escape the sweltering heat and humidity. Sure, Gisele's penthouse has more terrace square footage than most New Yorker's have indoors, but in August, who's going to be sitting out there looking at the Hudson River roll buy while rivulets of sweat stream down their humidity bloated skin? Seriously. In August, New Yorkers stay inside, air conditioning pumping, praying there isn't a blackout.

So while the terraces are lovely and the views are quite attractive, it's really the interior spaces that matter to New Yorkers in August. And unfortunately the only photos of the in-side of the penthouse are a couple of one of the somewhat ordinary poopers, which looks like a perfectly adequate, if a little dark, place to evacuate.

The triplex unit is accessed via a key lock elevator which will make all the security freaks out there feel a little safer. But Your Mama is far more concerned that the elevator service all three floors of the penthouse. Your Mama could not even consider paying $29,000 a month to huff and puff our prodigious backside up and down three flights of stairs day in and day out. That would be like being charged a huge some of money to have a coronary.

We're sure the leasing of this property has something to do with the fact that Miss Gisele recently purchased a townhouse in the once bohemian, now atrociously expensive West Village neighborhood of New York. Miss Gisele also recently sold her Los Angeles house for almost $4,000,000. That house, located on Devlin Drive in the Hollywood Hills, sits sugar borrowing distance from durty mommy to be Christina Aguilera's spectacular modern manse and the flip property that Fred Savage recently sold to billionaire Alfred Mann's daughter Cassandra.

P.S. To all the children who read this post earlier today, we apologize for the confusion and discrepancies.

Source: NY Post, Radar Online, Just Jared

The Fred Savage Trifecta: FLIP

Our third and final installment of the Fred Savage Trifecta will involve the Hollywood Hills house he purchased, renovated, and flipped.
SELLER: Fred Savage
LOCATION: Devlin Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,500,000 (sale price)
SIZE: 2,520+ square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Architectural Digest quality Mid-Century on a major celebrity street. Gated glass & steel entry leads to a remodeled home w/ an open floor plan. Teak floors and walls of glass featuring head-on views from downtown to the ocean. Gourmet kitchen, great entertainment flow. Slate patios w/ 2 grassy yards & gorgeous landscaping w/ room for pool. 3 bd/3ba + a maids or guest suite. Major privacy behind gates, priced for immediate sale.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Back in February in 2006, Mister Fred Savage purchased this home up on celebrity laden Devlin Drive in the Hollywood Hills. It's unclear to Your Mama whether Mister Savage and his wifey Jennifer originally intended to inhabit this flat roofed modern, or if the intention was always to flip the property at a considerable profit.

We admit that the front of this house isn't all that compelling, but Your Mama thinks that may be a result of the photographs making the place look like an ordinary 1970s ranch house.

But get inside and we start to likey some what we see. Sure, the house is staged to within an inch of its life, but we confess to really liking the living room with its white sofas, sisal rugs, and the delicious teak flooring. The red blanket tossed across the bench can go and along with it, the black and white photo above the fireplace. The floor to ceiling wall of windows is blessedly without curtains. We can only hope the glass has been treated with a UV coating to protect artwork for the sun's harsh glare.

We'd toss the ugly photo diptych on the wall behind the dining room table, and in fact we'd swap the dining room set out for a black waxed farmhouse table with six or eight white Panton chairs. And we would hang a gorgeous chandelier. But otherwise, we like the dining area.

Into the bedroom and we are once again pleasantly surprised. The red rug works hard and successfully to ground the room and we appreciate the white fainting couch. Again, the blanket tossed on the chaise can go. So can the artwork above the bed.

Unfortunately the garage has been converted into a media room, which we're sure industry types appreciate, but Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter prefer covered parking for our fancy automobiles.

The outside areas are a mix between intimate and enclosed spaces juxtaposed with covered patios that take advantage of the wide and long views to downtown Los Angeles.

Neighbors to this Devlin Drive home include a few major celebrities such Christina Aguilera, who is rumored and reported to have purchased the Ozzy Osbourne home on Doheny Road, and Quentin Tarantino, who recently purchased his Devlin Drive home from super model and former Victoria Secret angel Gisele Bundchen.

Savage's flip house has also been occupied by a celebrity resident. In 2002 the house was purchased by former lezbian, club queen, and rock and roll widow Amanda Demme. Miz Demme has a notorious past working the door at some of New York City's hottest clubs, but more recently the velvet rope despot opened Teddy's (and Tropicana) at the Roosevelt Hotel in Los Angeles, named after her deceased husband, filmmaker Ted Demme. However in 2006, due in part to her extreme exclusivity and celebrity only door policy, she lost the contract to operate the clubs.

It may be that we're exhausted from typing our fingers to the nubbins on the Fred Savage Trifecta, but we have not been able to locate a purchase price. However, we can tell you that Mister Savage sold the house in November of 2006 for $3,500,000, which was $241,000 more than the asking price of $3,269,000. So clearly, Mister Savage made quite a bit more money than he planned.

Mister Savage sold the house to a gal named Cassandra Mann, whose daddy happens to be Alfred Mann, a billionaire entrepreneur and controversial philanthropist. We can only assume that Miz Mann is not fond of water and does not like to swim, because she paid top dollar for a house that does not include a swimming pool.

Who pays $3.5 clams for a house in Los Angeles without a swimming pool? Much as we like the interiors spaces of this house, Your Mama would not dream of coughing up a that much money for a house without a swimming pool.

The Fred Savage Trifecta: BUY

In part two of our Fred Savage Trifecta we will discuss the Hancock Park Meditarranean house he and wifey Jennifer recently purchased.
BUYER: Fred Savage
LOCATION: S. McCadden Place, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,050,030 (sale price)
SIZE: 3,944 square feet, 5 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Walled & Gated. Very Private. Mediterranean-Spanish in Hancock Park. Tropical courtyard entry, 5 bedrooms (generous size) plus 3.5 baths. Sunken living room w/ fireplace. Large dining room. New kitchen w/granite & viking range. New systems. Pool w/ spa. Pool house has a full shower/bathroom & kitchen. Outdoor fireplace plus BBQ. This home is ready to move in immediately.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Given that our Mister Savage and his betrothed Jennifer had their Hollywood Hills house on the market, clearly they needed to go house hunting to locate a new home for their growing family. So down off the hill they came and into the relatively staid area of Hancock Park with its long, straight, tree-lined streets and row after row of large and well maintained Mediterranean style houses with manicured lawns.

There are parts of Hancock Park, near Larchmont Village, where the modest Spanish style bungalow prevails. There are also sections where properties have big ass mansions with electronic gates, swimming pools, tennis courts, and presumably, a myriad of household staff to take care of it all. However, the Savage family has moved to an area that is not quite starter home Larchmont Village, and not quite the swanky Hancock Park that lies just below the fancy Wilshire Country Club where you have to be a member just to look at their damn website.

The house is, however, located on the same block as the property that was used for exterior shots of Blanche and Baby Jane Hudson's house in the macabre and terrifying movie What Ever Happened to Baby Jane. Hunnies, it took Your Mama years to trust our Sister Woman after seeing that movie.

Anyhoo, the house was first put on the market at $2,999,000 and, according to listing information, was later reduced to $2,799,000. What's inneresting about those numbers is that property records show that in April 2007 Mister Savage paid a quarter of a million dollars OVER the last asking price when he plunked down $3,050,030 for the house, indicating there might have been some sort of bidding war. For THIS house? Your gotta be kidding, right?

Now children, the LA real estate market is still only for the wicked and the rich, but a few years ago it was like a white hot rocket where prices climbed astronomically over night and particularly aggressive home buyers were more than happy to beat down other folks to keep them out of an open house. But things have cooled somewhat, and it's becoming a little more unusual to see someone pay so much more than the asking price. All you LA-based real estate agents will correct us if we're wrong about that, we're sure.

The front of the Mediterranean manse is protected by a lushly planted courtyard filled with banana trees and palms which almost completely obscures the house from the street. Keep that in mind freakos. There's nothing to see by driving up and down McCadden Place looking for Mister Savage except a bunch of tropical plants. So Your Mama suggests all your Wonder Years fanatics keep your big fat booties planted in your corduroy recliners.

Inside, the house looks pretty ordinary. We hate to say this, because we're dying to like one of Mister Savage's properties. But unfortunately, it ain't this one. It would appear the house has some good "bones," and the tile work on the front stairs offers a certain kind of charming. And really, there's nothing terribly wrong about the house. But it just does not feel special to Your Mama, and special is what we're looking for.

While they are not the doing of the Savage clan, we are shaken and disturbed by the tapestry covered dining room chairs. Your Mama is heavin' and grievin' over those visual abominations which are an aesthetic mistake of the highest order. Your Mama demands punishment and retribution for making our eyes lay up on them.

We appreciate the outdoor fireplace and the detached pool/guest house, but we'd really need to get rid of that pool table with the Naugahyde cover. Naugahyde does have its place in the lexicon of style, but it most certainly does not belong on a pool table in this house.

So that we can end this on a positive note, we'll say that we do think the backyard looks like a nice quiet place to sun buns and sip Sazeracs by the dark bottomed swimming pool. One other positive note: we like the Viking dishwasher, but we do so wish the trash compactor made a matching set. Oh, there we go again getting bitter and angry over the banality of this house. Sorry dears. Better luck on Mister Savage's flip property up in the Hollywood Hills which we will be discussing next.

The Fred Savage Trifecta: SELL

We have so much Fred Savage real estate gossip coming at you that we have to split it up into three parts. The first will deal with the house he recently sold in the Hollywood Hills, the second part will focus on the house he and wifey recently purchased in Hancock Park, and the third section will discuss the Devlin Drive house he bought, renovated, and recently flipped for a substantial profit. So babies, we recommend you go get yourself a snack and a glass of water to sustain yourselves.
SELLER: Fred Savage
LOCATION: Hollywood Boulevard, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $2,249,022 (sale price)
SIZE: 2,756 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Hip contemporary home located just above the Strip. This home has stunning views from Downtown to the ocean. The living room has 20 ft. ceiling, walls of glass with views of the pool to the east and ocean views to the west. Also located on the first level is a cozy office with garden views and warm den facing the pool. On the second level are two master suites, one with views to the ocean and the other with views of downtown...very private.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Although the world remembers Mister Fred Savage as the somewhat geeky and confused Kevin Arnold on The Wonder Years, Your Mama is quite sure Mister Savage would prefer the world also remember him for some of his later and more recent television rolls on Working (late 1990s), Crumbs (2006), and Kim Possible (2004-2007). Your Mama has never heard of these more recent programs, so unfortunately for Mister Savage he is stuck being a pubescent pre-teen in our mind.

After The Wonder Years, Mister Savage had the good sense to use some of his earnings to pay for his matriculation at Stanford University where in 1999 he graduated with a degree in English. It warms Your Mamas heart to see a wealthy child star stay focused and get a proper education. Seriously, when is it going to be cool for the heirs and scions of Hollywood to be smart and educated like Mister Savage? When?

Not long after getting his degree and re-entering the television circuit, Mister Savage purchased this home in the Hollywood Hills. Property records indicate the former frat boy bought the house in May, 2002 for $1,400,000. The 2,756 square foot house is located up a shared and private drive way that ensures stoopid looky-loos and crazed fans will not be parked out in front of the house. It also happens to be very close to ex-convict Paris Hilton's Mediterranean house of horrors, and unfortunately, the most efficient way to get to this house is to drive right through the paparazzi throngs that often lie in wait in the bushes around Hilton's house.

In order to gain entrance to this house, one must walk by the swimming pool, which occupies much of what is technically the the front yard. What concerns Your Mama about this set up is drunk people. We love a swimming pool, but this particular pool would need to be roped off so that inebriated celebrity party pals like Misha Barton and Tara Reid do not fall into the pool and drown on their way to the front door. That would be a tragedy and a scandal which would only put a stigma on the property and decrease it's value on the open market.

The property being low in the hills means that it thankfully sits below the smog line most of the time, preserving the views to the ocean. As for the decor, well, we're not so impressed really. The den room with the chocolate sectional sofa, the sun burst mirror, and the red table lamp looks cozy. But what's with the country style coffee table?

The master bedroom clearly has the hand of a decorator all over it, with the trendy and new-fangled wall paper and the leather head board and matching bench at the foot of the bed. But the master bathroom? Jeezis, Mary, and Joseph, that is one ugly bathroom and it looks like something out of a 1970s soft porn film. And not in a good way either. We're not even sure that room is suitable for doing the dirty bizness, but for sure Your Mama would have to bathe and groom in that brown room with our eyes closed.

The kitchen looks fully functional and decently sized. And it appears that someone spent a lot of money in there on the glossy cabinets sometime the late 1980s or early 1990s. The room is open to the living and dining areas, loft style, which many seem to like. But Your Mama does not need to tell the children that we are not innerested in looking at the dirty pots and pans when we sit down to the dinner table so we prefer a kitchen that is it's own room. And the Venetian blinds? Good for modulating the light, but not so good bad for the eyeballs.

Originally priced at $2,649,000, the price was reduced to $2,499,000 before a buyer bit the bullet and paid $2,249,022 for the house n March of 2007. The profit is not stunning or remarkable particularly when you consider the money Mister Savage likely put into improving the house and the exploding market in Los Angeles, which has created insane profits for many home sellers who purchased in the early 2000s before the market when plum crazy.

Mister Savage and wifey Jennifer recently had a child, and we imagine that might have something to do with the sale of this house. While it's fine for a teenage child, it's not really equipped with the sort of back yard rich and famous folks like to provide their young children.

Next up, the Hancock Park home the Savage family recently purchased.

Salma Hayek and Her Baby Daddy Buy in Bel Air

BUYERS: Salma Hayek and Francois-Henri Pinault
SELLERS: Kelsey and Camille Grammer
LOCATION: Bel Air Road, Bel Air, CA
PRICE: $13,500,135
SIZE: 6,811 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 7 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: All the tabs and blogs have been reporting on Salma Hayek's purchase of the Bel Air Road mansion of perpetual house movers Kelsey Grammer and his wife Camille. Because of all the coverage, it's not really necessary for Your Mama to weigh in on the subject. But we're going to anyway. We can't help it.

Kelse and Cammy have become well know by real estate gossips for their constant buying, selling, and moving. The chef barely has time to stock the pantry before these two are calling the movers and having their shit schlepped across town. For a full run down on the Grammer's real estate run around, you should head over to Mister Big Time's impressive and long list of properties that have been bought and sold by this peripatetic pair in the last few years.

Your Mama confesses to a bit of anxiety about the Grammer's constant property shuffle. We don't worry so much about Kelse and Cammy, they're grown and know how to read maps. It's the two small children that have Your Mama breaking out in a cold sweat. The Grammer tykes have easily called four Los Angelese estates home in the last few years, and that's not even counting the family properties in Hawaii, the Hamptons or the farm at the Delaware Water Gap. What happens if one of these little Grammer children gets lost? What's the likelihood they're going to remember the address of the estate they're currently living? Poor things.

As far as we can tell, the big ol' house on Bel Air Road was not on the open market. But thanks to our Fairy Godmother in Bel Air, Your Mama was able to get our greedy little hands on a couple of photos. Now children, please note the photos above were taken before Mister Kelsey and his bleached blond wifey with the fake boobs purchased the home.

In early 2006, soon after selling their monstrous $22,000,000, 17,781 square foot house up in fancy-schmancy guard gated Beverly Park at a $4,5000,000 profit, the Grammers bought this house on swanky Bel Air Road from music executive Steve Drath. Property records show Kelse and Cammy paid $10,500,105 in February 2006 for the considerably smaller 6,811 square foot house with 7 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms. They must have felt down right cramped in this house compared to the hotel sized house in Bev Park.

Reports are all saying the Grammer's sold the house to Salma Hayek and her baby daddy Francois-Henri Pinault for around $20,000,000. An extraordinary and upsetting profit if true. Can a house in Bel Air really double in value in just one year's time?

It's no wonder preggers Miz Hayek would want a big house in Bel Air nowadays. The Mexican actress has long owned a modestly sized 2,874 square foot house on secluded Chelan Place in the Hollywood Hills that is unlikely to comfortably house a new baby, a nanny, and the super rich baby daddy.

Plus, if your baby daddy is Monsieur Pinault, he had better be buying you some impressively big digs up in Bel Air to house the family. For those of you not well schooled in luxury goods, let Your Mama educate you a wee bit on French bizness man Monsieur Pinault. The man heads up a company called PPR, whose subsidiaries include glitzy fashion houses such as Gucci, Yves St. Laurent, Alexander McQueen and Balenciaga. So you know this expecting behatcha has had some fierce maternity clothes custom made by the French couturiers, and baby Pinault will no doubt grow up with carte blanche expense accounts all up and down Rodeo Drive and the rue du Faubourg Saint-Honoré.

The Bel Air Road house is surrounded by some of Bel Airs most expensive and impressive estates including that of Robert Tuttle, car dealership owner and Bush Jr. appointee as Ambassador to the United Kingdom. Also nearby, Sandy Krause, heir to the Pep Boys fortune, the Joregensen's, who made their fortune selling metal tubes and rods, and the unnervingly large estate of Fresno-born billionaire Jerrold Perenchio, the Univision media mogul who was ranked as the 85th richest person in the world on the Forbes 400 list in 2006.

The 1930s era house occupies nearly an acre of plush grounds overlooking Bel Air and Los Angeles. Your Mama always finds it puzzling that a $20,000,000 property would not include a tennis court. Shouldn't all estates over $10 million include every recreational bell and whistle imaginable? For that amount of money we expect a house will not only include a tennis court, but a resident tennis instructor with a deathly difficult to return serve and strong and sensitive hands for our after-match massage in the pool house.

Given that Miz Hayek has owned the Chelan Place house since 1986, when property records reveal she purchased the house for $375,000 (our records somehow, oddly, reflect different specifics than those of Mister Big Time), Your Mama doubts she will sell the place. It just doesn't make sense to sell it. She can house her assistant there and let Monsieur Pinault pick up the landscaping bills.

As for the Grammers? Well, Your Mama hears they're getting ready to close on yet another pricy property. This time it's a 10,567 square foot, 5 bedroom, 6 bathroom estate located on Baroda Drive in the Holmby Hills, which they're buying from baking soda heir Michael Hammer.

Your Mama sincerely hopes one of the nannies thinks to shove a slip of paper with the address of the new house in the pockets of the Grammer children so the poor dears know where to go after school.

Sources: Forbes, Big Time Listings, Us Magazine, NY Post

An Orange County Housewife Cashes In

SELLERS: Donn and Vicky Gunvalson
LOCATION: Shire, Coto de Caza
PRICE: $3,750,000
SIZE: 5,400 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: None provided by the listing agent.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: All the reality television junkies out there will recognize this house as belonging to Vicky and Donn Gunvalson from The Housewives of Orange County program that played for two seasons on the Bravo. As you may recall from previous discussions, this show topped the list of Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's television watching favorites. We could not get enough of these leather skinned and perky breasted rich ladies who struggled to keep their marriages and families afloat amid the suburban excesses of Coto de Caza, a gated community in the hills of Orange County, California, where even the teenagers drive brand new BMWs and Audis.

Vicky was the ditzy, driven, and exuberant control freak mommy who ran a very successful insurance company out of her house. Her website claims that bleached blondie is in the top 1% of agents nationwide, a very respectable achievement by any one's standards. Vicky also employed Lauri, another of the Housewives. That is until Lauri snagged herself a man with a Ferrari who bought her a Mercedes and no longer had to work to feed her naughty children.

Unlike Tammy's daughters, who seem to think they will be able to get by on their tanned skin and plastic boobies, Vicky and Donn's children are the only spawn of the Housewives bunch who had the good sense to let their parents pay for them to go to college. And don't even get me started on Jeana's baseball playing stud muffin of a son, his constant injuries, and questionable sexuality. We're not saying anything, we're just saying...

Anyhoo, now that the show is over and Vicky and Donn's children have flown the coop, the empty nesters have put their house on the market at $3,750,000, listed by none other than fellow Housewife babe and former Playboy model and ZZ Top video girl Jeana Keough.

The Gunvalson's bought the house in 2001 for $1,100,000 according to property records, so even if they have to accept considerably less than the asking price, they're looking at a couple million dollar windfall. Ka-ching.

Do we even need to tell the children that Your Mama would have to be paid $3,750,000 to live up in this gated community of rich white people? Seriously, are there any non-white people living in Coto?

As for the house? It's a mind numbingly ordinary, garden variety Southern California McMansion that has been decorated with expensive but cheap looking furniture. Because a nice gay decorator was not brought in from West Hollywood, the predominant color in the house appears to be beige. Beige. Just say that word a few times over in your mind. Beige.

The backyard swimming pool extravaganza is clearly the big draw for this house, particularly f you enjoy having a water park for a back yard. We've got a bbq center, water falls, spa, a grotto, and even a water slide that comes down through the boulders. Now, all the children know that Your Mama hates those backyard water slide abominations. Honestly. We do not want to hear from all the rich people with children and backyard water slides who think they're great. They're not. They're silly and ostentatious in the most middle brow sort of way. Call us a snotty snob. Call us child unfriendly. Call us jealous. Call Your Mama anything you want. But we are of the opinion that people should be publicly flogged for putting those things in their backyards.

Vicky and Donn have a weekend house at Lake Havasu where they visited a couple of times on the show. Lake Havasu is where the family turned loose and drank and boated. At the same time. Maybe they are going to move there to pursue a life of leisure? Could they be riding around in Jeana's Mercedes looking for a new mansion in Coto? Or maybe they're looking to downsize and move closer to the beach? Your Mama does not know, but wherever it is they land, we're quite sure it'll have a beige interior and be located in a gated community.

Suge Knight's Malee-boo Mansion

SELLER: Suge Knight
LOCATION: Rambla Pacifico Street, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $6,200,000
SIZE: 8,272 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 9.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Subject to Bankruptcy Court approval. Sold As Is. Addendum to accy all offers. Wide ocean views from luxurious rooms with soaring ceilings. Perched above La Costa and Carbon Beaches, this impressive gated estate was built in 2000 on a 6.79 acre Knoll top lot and is being offered with the adjoining 2.11 acres for a total of 8.76 acres. Parcel 4451-011-074 is a legal lot which can be developed as a separate home or build your family compound. Purchase price does not include any personal property

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The saga of Mister Suge "Sugar Bear" Knight never seems to end. The Compton bred founder of Death Row Records, who reportedly has long standing ties to the scary-ass Bloods gang, became the king of the gangsta rap and thug culture heap in the early 1990s after signing and making stars of difficult to manage artists like Tupac Shakur, Dr. Dre, and Snoop Dogg.

Your Mama, not a fan of gangsta rap ourselves, first came to know who this Mister Suge Knight is when stories and rumors circulated in the tabs that he dangled that disturbing and angry proto-"whigga" Vanilla Ice off the balcony of a hotel. We don't know if that actually happened, but it's spine tingling to think it might have.

Anyhoo, Mister Suge Knights rap empire began to quickly fracture in the mid 1990s, after Tupac Shakur was gunned down on the streets of Las Vegas while riding in a car driven by Mister Suge Knight. Shortly thereafter, Shakur's rival Notorious B.I.G. (aka Biggie Smalls) was gunned down in a similar way. Although neither murder was ever solved, there have always been rumors and whispers that Mister Suge Knight was somehow involved. Now children, we are NOT saying he was involved, because Your Mama does not know shit about what's true with this stuff. What we're saying is that it is not hard to find reports that suggest he MAY have been involved.

Then there was the time when Mister Knight was shot in the leg at a MTV Video Music awards party in Miami hosted by Kanye West. Lahwd children, this gangsta rap world is no place for the meek, the mild, or the unarmed, is it?

Anyhoo, the senseless murders of Shakur and B.I.G. marked the beginning of the end of Death Row records dominance in the rap music bizness. It also marked the beginning of Mister Suge Knight's revolving door relationship with the Southern California prison system. Although the bearded and cigar smoking music mogul was in and out of prison several times for various reasons in the late 1990s and early 2000s, he still managed to scrape the cash together to buy this big Malee-boo mansion.

Even in April of 2002, when property records reveal that Mister Suge Knight purchased this mansion for $3,750,000, he had been desperately struggling to keep his financial ducks in a row for years. Circumstances became truly dire when he was forced to pay a million dollar settlement to a woman who claimed her prison living crack dealer husband co-founded Death Row Records and was therefore entitled to a 50% stake in the failing bizness.

The suit blew open the flagging finances of Mister Knight and Death Row Records, and was ultimately the nail the coffin of Mister Suge Knight's high flying pocketbook. Shortly thereafter, according to an article on The Smoking Gun, Mister Knight was compelled to file for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy, claiming he had $11 in his checking account, no income whatsoever, monthly expenses of about $30,000, and $137,400,000 in debt.

And this house in Malee-boo, of course. After some time of being tied up in bankruptcy court the property is being sold off to cover some of his massive debt. Even if the house sells at it's asking price it's just a drop in the bucket of Mister Suge Knight's staggering and overwhelming debt.

Located at the end of a long private drive off Rambla Pacifico, the house occupies a very private and choice promontory overlooking the sands of Malee-boo and the twinkling lights of the ocean front compounds along ultra exclusive and hideously expensive Carbon and La Costa beaches. Although we're not fond of the house itself, it's just a big non-descript mansion after all, we can understand why someone might want to live in this location. And we all now what they say about the first rule of real estate; location, location, location.

From the photographs, day to day maintenance on the house ceased a long time ago. Sadly, weeds fill the planting beds, the swimming pool has been drained, and the house has a sun scorched loneliness about it.

We can only hope some Richie Rich will by this forgotten house and massage it back into a glistening Malee-boo mansion.

As for Mister Suge Knight, well, it seems he's moving onward, forward, and upward. Reports say he's no longer pushing, marketing, or intending to glorify thug culture and has turned his sights towards a more humble lifestyle. Well, good for Mister Suge Knight. Your Mama truly wishes the man a more relaxed life, and we sincerely hope he never sees the barrel end of a gun again.

Sources: The Smoking Gun, NY Post, Karisable, Musician Guide, MTV

...And Fancy Free

Isn’t that picture inspiring? The giant statue on the left was created by the artisans at RKO in 1935, for my classic motion picture HER! It was supposedly made thousands of years ago by a primitive tribe that I’ve been ruling for 3000 years with a firm yet caressing hand. After shooting was completed, it was moved here, to Morehead Heights, where it was erected, like so many before it, in the center of my hedge labyrinth, The Befuddlement, which it towers over, providing beauty, inspiration, and a reason to reach the center.


20 years after the filming of HER!, it was taken to Universal, where it was used again in the semi-sequel Abbott & Costello Meet She Who Must Be Obeyed, and was then again returned to The Befuddlement.


In 2000, it was again moved. This time it was shipped to New Zealand where Peter Jackson had it cast and duplicated, and both were then erected on his Wellington backlot, to create The Tallugonath, for a memorable scene in The Fellowship of the Ring, when The Fellowship and I, as Gàlæƒêllåthéöñ the elvish camp-follower, sail past it on our way into Gondor. Indeed, it is presented as the Gateway into Gondor because all the millions of men who have entered Gondor over the three ages of Middle-earth also sailed in between my always-welcoming gams.


Remember that, as an immortal elfatrix, Gàlæƒêllåthéöñ is supposed to be immortal, and over 6000 years old, twice the age of HER. Why am I always being cast as someone thousands of years old? I remember asking President Taft the same thing, when he asked me to record his campaign song during his presidential bid, back in 1908. "Why," I asked him, "Do people always think of me as impossibly old? What am I, a Gabor?" I remember the wisdom of Taft’s gentle reply, "Just shut up and suck." Taft, like me, was a rule-breaker, just what you want in a Supreme Court Chief Justice, as he later became. When he ran for president 99 years ago, all the news anchors asked the same question, "Is America ready to elect a fatty to be President?" (And how coincidental, that he’s a relation of Little Dougie.)


Anyway, when Peter Jackson removed me from the movie, following that unfortunate incident when he and Fran Walsh walked in - without knocking I might add, so whatever they saw was their own fault - while I was Guest Den Mothering their son’s cub scout troop, just as I was helping the boys get their Sex Ed Wolf Badges by teaching them the meaning of ménage a sept, he was forced to spend thousands to have my statues digitally removed, and replaced with some silly statues of men. Tolkien purists from all over the world wrote angry letters from their parents’s basements, protesting the removal of Gàlæƒêllåthéöñ and The Tallugonath, which played such memorable parts in the books, but Petey remained so irrationally incensed, he just ignored them. Imagine a man being that jealous of his own son. The boys, I might add, all asked to have me back!


Both statues were shipped back to Morehead Heights. The original is back in the center of The Befuddlement, while the other, with a bright light placed inside it which shines out of my massive va-jay-jay, has been placed at the summit of Tumescent Tor, where it now helps keep ships from running aground on the massive twin boulders which flank the base of mighty Tumescent Tor, although this does cut down on the number of bewildered sailors I get to rescue and offer solace to each year. Drat!


It’s held up pretty well, hasn’t it, for something carved out of Styrofoam.


On another matter, I saw on the TV news the other day, that a lady at Six Flags Kentucky, accidentally got her feet severed by a cable line while enjoying Superman the Ride. Not that I want to laugh at this poor woman’s unfortunate misadventure, but …


They’ve changed the ride’s movie tie-in themeing from Superman to Footloose!


When I ride a Superman, my feet go flying too!


"Apart from that miss, did you enjoy the ride?"
"I can’t kick."


She hated the ride so much, as soon as it was over, she ankled.


The ride left her heels over head.


She’s a woman, so never mind the feet; did they recover her shoes?


Her lawsuit is doomed; she’ll never stand-up in court.


Next time try riding Clark Kent. All you’ll lose are your pumps.


Damn that Luthorcorp Ride Maintenance team!


Who knew they had theme parks in Kentucky?


Talk about toeing the line.


Look at the good side; no more standing in line.


Who knew Superman was a hoofer?


Thank you. I’ll be here all week. Please tip your hooker.


Cheers darlings.

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Eddie Murphy Has Got Troubles

SELLER: Eddie Murphy
LOCATION: Poughquag, Dutchess County, NY
PRICE: $5,995,000 (reduced from $8,995,000)
SIZE: 205 acres, 11,500 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Deep, clear 7+/- acre lake. Caretaker and Guest housing. Equestrian facilities. Tennis court, pool complex. Acre + zoning. Near proposed Town Center. Suitable for conference center. Pristine.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Poor Mister Eddie Murphy. Just when his career is hitting all the high notes with the success of Dreamgirls and Shrek, he gets slapped with a pesky paternity claim by another of those publicity hungry Spice Gurls.

First we had Posh, otherwise known as Vicki Beckham, who wreaked havoc on high end real estate agents all up and down the posh streets of Beverly Hills and Bel Air looking at every high priced estate on the market, formerly on the market, pocket listed, or possibly to come to the market. The gurl done wore Your Mama out reporting her comings and goings. Praise jeezis she finally chose a damn house to live in. We hear the family will be moving in very soon.

Then we got Scary Spice, also known as Mel B, who had the foolish misfortune of laying up in the bed with notorious lady killer Eddie Murphy and winding up with a baby on board. Well, Your Mama does not need to tell you that that Mister Murphy was having none of that shit. So he dumps the scary gurl on Dutch television, denies everything, tells anyone who will listen that it ain’t his child, and quickly gets himself a new lady friend without enough sense to stay away from trouble.

Nine months later, after much public squabbling, denials, accusations, and a court ordered paternity test, turns out Scary Mel was speaking the gospel all along. We expect she will soon be smacking the father of eight around the courts with gigantic child support requests.

But baby mama drama is not the only trouble Mister Murphy has. The comedic actor with a penchant for large and lavish homes is having trouble unloading two of his large and lavish east coast spreads. Now that Murphy mints money for movie makers, he lives primarily in his 18,598 square foot, 10 bedroom, 17 bathroom Beverly Park palace. As y’all know, the guard gated Beverly Park development is chock full of the famous and shockingly rich and Mister Murphy occupies a large corner lot next door to actress Jami Gertz and a few doors down from Rod Stewart and Martin Lawrence.

Some time back, Your Mama discussed Mister Murphy’s 5 acre, 25,000 square foot Englewood New Jersey estate, which goes by the name Bubble Hill. The white elephant of a property was first put on the market back in December of 2004 with a staggering $30,000,000 price tag. But a recent report by the NY Post’s illustrious celebrity real estate gossip Braden Keil tells us that the price has again been lowered to it’s current asking price of $19,500,000, almost half the original asking price.

In the same report, our Mister Keil tells us that naughty child denier Mister Murphy also recently lowered the asking price for his Upstate New York getaway, which goes by the name Clove Hill. According the Keil, the 205 acre property was first listed at $12,750,000, later reduced to $9,900,000 and then again recently to it’s current asking price of $8,995,000.

Clove Hill includes an 11,500 square foot house with five bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms according to the listing information. Also on the property, a 7 acre pond, swimming pool with pool house, tennis court, movie theater, guest quarters, horse barn and, strangely, a game arcade. Imagine the number of people it takes just to keep this farm running. Those arcade machines need to be dusted, the tennis court swept, the swimming pool skimmed and the horse stall cleared out on a regular basis. Seriously, this is a huge expense for a property that probably gets used about as much as Queen Elizabeth visits India, which is not very often.

The interior of the house, which was built in 1972 according to the listing, has heavenly sky high wood ceilings and wall after wall of floor to ceiling windows for taking in the sweeping and bucolic views.

We imagine the lack of furniture and lighting is due to the fact that Mister Murphy no longer uses this property, and except for the big grand pie-ana, we see that Mister Murphy, more of musician that he is usually given credit for being, has left but a few pieces of furniture in the vast living room. The room is not without appeal, but it really does look more like a conference center in Colorado than a cozy living room.

Your Mama also notes the unusual addition of a second grand pie-ana in the master bedroom. Somehow we find this bedroom instrument really icky and disturbing. We can just see a nekkid Mister Murphy running his fingers over the keys and softly singing to a swooning celebrity fucking female who knows deep in her heart she this will be the last time Mister Murphy touches her bare skin.

The well appointed kitchen is, uhm, it’s well appointed and has a nice vaulted and sky lighted ceiling. Otherwise we got nothing nice to say about this room. Way too North Carolina furniture factory for our taste.

Naturally, Your Mama is concerned about the arcade gallery. Where in rural Dutchess County does one find an experienced and licensed fixer of Ms. Pac-Man?

As for the grounds, they are truly lovely, at least those we can see in the photos. Your Mama prefers a seaside location for a getaway home, but we are not so cynical that we are unable to appreciate the beauty of rolling farmlands, glassy pond water, curving fence lines, and pretty red barns.

We expect Mister Murphy will eventually sell both of these properties, even if he has to lower the prices even more. But he better sell them quick before Miz Scary Spice tries to get her paws on them. And she should go after one of them because, if you ask Your Mama, which of course no one did, we are of the opinion that the lady has more than earned a piece of Mister Murphy's real estate pie.

Sources: NY Post, Socialite Life, Perez Hilton, People

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