Your Mama Hears...

...that financially beleaguered octogenarian Ed McMahon may have finally sold his damn house up in Beverly Hills. According to a well placed source we'll call Jim Dandy, after listing the property about a hundred years ago, several price chops and a whole mess of publicity, the 7,013 square foot McMahon manse finally has a buyer willing to cough up some cash and save Mister McMahon's real estate ass.

As has been reported far and wide, Mister McMahon is thisclose to facing a nasty foreclosure on his 6 bedroom and 5 bathroom house located in the guard gated Summit community due to his inability to make good a reported $4,800,000 mortgage on the property.

Although we can not confirm the rumor, it was also whispered in Your Mama's big ear that the buyer is one of the well paid writers for the television program The Entourage.

Not that anyone needs to hear it again, but the Summit is the very same community where on the mental mend Britney Spears lives as well as rapidly procreating rock goddess Gwen Stefani and her supah-sexy huzband Gavin Rossdale.

Your Mama Needs to...

...get something off our heaving chest.

We are loathe to talk smack about any of the other celebrity real estate gossips so we're going to be as nice and friendly as we can about this...

Yesterday, the good people at the gossip juggernaut that is TMZ posted an "Exclusive" report on Dr. Phil McGraw's Beverly Hills house hitting the market as a pocket listing.

Thing is, Your Mama discussed this way back on April 4 and then again on April 16. So, as fascinating as it may be, it's really not an "Exclusive" report. In fact it's old news to the children.

We're a little surprised and disappointed that TMZ would not credit our little online endeavor on their report, partick because we link over and reference their stories all the time. Of course, we'll continue to do so, but a little mutual respect and recognition would be lovely.

Now that we've vented a little we feel better and can go on with the remainder of our crazy day.

Jackie Warner Works It Out In the Hills

BUYER: Jackie Warner
LOCATION: Laurel Canyon Boulevard, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $947,000 (sale price)
SIZE: 1,611 square feet 2 bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Stylish Laurel Canyon home w/ excellent quality & design. 2bd+nursery/office+1.5ba remodeled kitchen w/ stainless appliances & custom cabinetry. Master w/ walk-in closet & bath w/ extra large soaking tub, Kohler fixtures, glass Mosaic shower & stone Travertine floor. Den/family rm w/ skylights opens to redwood deck. Flat yard perfect for outdoor entertaining. Garage converted to composer's studio w/ ISO recording booth & machine rm.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Listen my little chickadees, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have a rather punishing day ahead of us so we're going to keep this one short and sweet.

It is well established that Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter have a serious, incurable and disturbing addiction to reality television. As a result of our television watching malady, one of the programs that keeps the TiVo warm and whirring is that wacky Work Out program on the Bravo that features exercise queen Jackie Warner, her glittering white teeth and a parade of traumatic and dramatic lezbeeun relationships that are, quite frankly, dee-lishusly embarrassing to watch.

During the first season of Work Out, Miss Warner shacked up with that ridiculous and violent Brazilian artist gurl in a fancy house with a Carrara marble covered kitchen and a swimming pool out back. In the second season, out went the Brazilian and the fancy house and the heavily highlighted and uber-toned trainer moved to a much more modest and far less glammy house in the Hollywood Hills. The forty year old ladee lover quickly moved her much younger gurlyfriend of a few weeks in with her. Gotta love the lesbians...always eager to make house even before they know each other's middle names.

Anyhoo, after several episodes of watching cars whiz by the Miss Warner's windows, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter became curious as to where Miss Warner's new digs are located. With the help of Lucy Spillerguts and Our Fairy Godmother in West Hollywood, we eventually learned that Miss Warner forked over $947,000 to purchase a 1,611 square foot house on curvy swervy and beastly bizzy Laurel Canyon Boulevard in September of 2006.

Yes children, we realize 2006 was a long time ago, particularly in the lexicon of celebrity real estate where the rich and famous can be fickle in regards to their living situations. However, we're short on time and it's way too early in the morning to listen to y'all complain so Your Mama asks that you keep any lip, sass and judgment to yo-self. Thank you.

For those children not familiar with the canyon roads in Los Angeles, let Your Mama tell you that Laurel Canyon Boulevard is a twisting and winding road where people drive their luxury automobiles like they got the devil at their backs. Miss Warner is obviously far more brave than we because Your Mama would be paralyzed with fear each and every time we had to back our big BMW out of the driveway and on to Laurel Canyon Boulevard where one's ass end could easily be wiped out by a fast moving SUV whisking a high profile person from the studios in Burbank back to their bungalow at the Chateau Marmont in West Hollywood.

Listing information for the property at the time of the sale shows the house measures in at 1,611 square feet with 2 bedroom and 2 bathrooms including a nice sized master bedroom with a peaked ceiling and French doors to the garden. In addition to the smallish open plan living/dining/kitchen area, there is a tile floored family room/den that opens to the back deck, and a nursery/office room, which we imagine it just too small to call a proper bedroom. The flat back yard includes a courtyard deck and a small grassy area at the back where Miss Warner's pooches probably piddle and poop. At the time Miss Warner purchased the property, the detached garage had been converted into some sort of recording studio. Your Mama isn't sure whether Miss Warner has turned the garage back to its original purposing or if she's utilizing the space for an office or to temporarily house one of her many high maintenance ex-gurlfriends.

Now children, before you start tearing into the day-core, please understand that the sofas and chairs and other assorted furniture items you see in the photos do not, and we repeat, do not belong to Miss Warner but rather the previous owner, who is not a celebrity.

Perez Hilton Opens House

Much maligned, sometimes hated but always read Gossip Gangsta Perez Hilton does not normally give Your Mama the time of day. However, we're gonna give He of the Hair Don't a little shout out today because we're not bitter (much) and because the scuttlebutt queen recently opened the door to his Los Angeles apartment to the fine people at MTV Cribs. Let's be honest children, who is not at least curious as to how the hugely successful scuttlebutt spends his new found riches?

Our sources whispered in our big ear that Perezito makes his home in a large apartment complex on West 6th Street and the Cribs episode indicates his unit measures 1,300 square feet with 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, and from the looks of things includes a living room with vaulted ceilings, a lackluster little kitchen, and an additional loft space where all Perez's blog magic happens.

Your Mama will give Perez a pass on the beige carpet (it's a rental) and we'll freely give the props for going out on a limb with the shimmery wallpaper in his bedroom and for doing up his nicely organized closet in his signature pink. But I think we can all agree that most of Miss Hilton's abode could use the assistance of a nice gay decorator. Perhaps Perezito will ring Your Mama to help him come to terms with getting rid of that behemoth beige sectional sofa and jazzing up his space in a manner befitting a queen of his celebrity gossip stature.

Photo: Mister Smiley

Graeme Revell Doubles Down in Malibu

SELLER: Graeme Revell
LOCATION: Pacific Coast Highway, Malibu, CA
PRICE: $27,500,000
SIZE: 3,477 square feet (as per assessor), 5 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Unique beach and bluff estate. 1-story Fred Lloyd Wright Foundation. Appx. 5 acres rolling lawns, tree lined driveway to motor court. Pool, spa, tennis court. Private direct beach access. Expand, remodel or build your custom estate. Expired plans available.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama has heard from a number of helpful tipsters over the last week or 10 days–including one from the always informative Missy Malee-boo–who have all pointed their real estate luvin' fingers at a long, low and blue tile roofed residence stretched out on the dee-voonly dramatic bluffs of Malee-boo that recently hit the market with a spine tingling asking price of $27,500,000.

A little look-see through public records reveals that the property belongs to super successful film and television composer Graeme Revell, the gentleman responsible for the soundtracks of such high-minded cinematic wonders as Man of the Year, Goal, Tank Girl and the upcoming Seth Rogan pot-fest Pineapple Express.

Records indicate that Mister Revell and his artist wifey Brenda purchased their 5 acre estate in May of 2004 for $12,000,000. Based on that purchase price, our trusted and bejeweled abacus tells us the cashing in couple are hoping to more than double their Malee-boo money in just four or five years time. Your Mama don't know nuthin' from nuthin' about real estate children, but we do know that asking for that kind of monstrous increase in value takes some serious real estate cajones even in a place like Malee-boo where real estate prices and "values" adhere to their own set of arcane and entirely subjective rules.

A little research on the interweb and Your Mama learned that the "L" shaped domicile was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright's son-in-law William Wesley Peters. For those who do not know or are too lazy to Blackle Mister Peters, Your Mama will inform the children that the architect was a protégé of master architect Frank Lloyd Wright and was, in fact, married to Mister Wright's adopted daughter Svetlana, a gal who should ab-so-lute-lee not be confused with Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's house gurl Svetlana. Mister Wright's daughter Svetlana perished in an automobile accident in 1946 and Mister Peters went on to marry the only daughter of Communist party head honcho Joseph Stalin, who coincidentally was also named Svetlana and, again, should not be confused with Your Mama's stern, bossy and beloved house gurl Svetlana.

Records filed with the county indicate the house measures in at a surprisingly small sounding 3,477 square feet and listing information shows the house includes 5 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms. From the looks of things, Your Mama would have imagined the house was much larger. Anyhoo, the five acre parcel, which happens to sit just a few doors up the Pacific Coast Highway from gossip glossy favorites Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's ocean front spread, includes a long curving tree-lined driveway, acres of rolling lawns, a north south tennis court and a fantastically pill shaped swimming pool. By far the most interesting feature of the property is accessed down a long and winding path to the beach which terminates in a private ocean front plateau that has been planted with a circular lawn area perfect for meditating, sunbathing in the nood and landing helicopters.

Given the architectural provenance of this house, Your Mama would bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that being inside this house is much better than looking at the outside which, forgive our snarky soul, looks like an International House of damn Pancakes. Now children, while out on the open road in our big BMW, Your Mama does not mind the occasional Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity breakfast at an IHOP, but we are not inclined to want to come home to a twenty something million dollar house that looks like it might smell of chicken strips and cooking grease.

The interior spaces are certainly dramatic with soaring ceilings and intricately articulated floor to ceiling windows with an insane geometric angulation that makes Your Mama a little dizzy with dee-light. However, Your Mama does not have much nice to say about the interior day-core which unfortunately leans towards tiger striped throws, beige sofas and inexpensive looking and randomly placed shoji screens. Ack!

Records show that Mister Revell and his artist wifey Brenda also own a modest house in Woodland Hills for which they forked over $1,000,000 in August of 2006, a modest ranch house in Porter Ranch which they bought in June of 2004 for $863,000 and third modestly sized house in Venice they scooped up in June of 2004 for $850,000. The property rich pair also own a couple of apartment buildings in North Hollywood, both of which were purchased towards the end of 2007. Phew! So in addition to scoring films Your Mama has never heard of nor seen, Mister Revell and his ladee-wife also have a proper penchant for real estate investing.

Sam and Jessica Still Selling Stillwater Estate

SELLERS: Jessica Lange and Sam Shepard
LOCATION: 4th Street. N., Stillwater, MN
PRICE: $1,950,000
SIZE: 5,500 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 3 full, 1 half and 1 quarter bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Historic estate on lush 2.5 acres in heart of Stillwater. 1892 Victorian w/ breathtaking St. Croix River Valley view. Spectacular home & landscape featured in Architectural Digest. Artistically inspired gardens, remarkable renovation & preservation.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to Sheila Shedsomelight way up in the lake filled hinterlands of Minnesota, Your Mama has learned that two-time Academy Award winning actress Jessica Lange and her Pulitzer Prize winning playwright/actor huzband Sam Shepard have listed their home in Stillwater, MN for sale with an asking price of $1,950,000.

It is certainly no secret among the real estate gossips of the world that the much lauded and applauded pair made a home and raised a couple of childrens in Stillwater, a teeny tiny town north and east of Minneapolis-St. Paul.

However, it seems that sometime back in 2004 (or sometime around 2004) the couple decided to bee-line it out of Stillwater at least in part because Miz Lange grew disenchanted with the increasing boojification of the area. In an interview with the New York Daily News in February of 2008, the tough talking ladee was quoted as saying, "When we first moved to Stillwater, it still felt like a real place...Now it's all gift shps and these terrible condominiums. It was a little town with a great deal of character. Everything gets yuppified, I guess." We don't know nuthin' from nuthin children, but we imagine the Stillwaterians were none too pleased to hear their famous (and former) neighbors speaking shit like that to the press. None the less, Your Mama can understand Miz Lange's psychic plight against the homogenization of America. Recently that ubiquitous Starbucks popped up in our little weekend getaway town and we were not exactly thrilled about that bit of new bizness either, partick because there are already two other successful and locally owned coffee shops already on the main drag. Ack!

Sorry children, Your Mama digresses. The current asking price of the Lange/Shepard estate is $1,950,000, a far cry from what the not into the Hollywood hoopla couple wanted back in 2004 when recent reports reveal they first put the 2.5 acre estate on the market with an asking price of $3,300,000. A year later, the asking price was karate chopped to $2,600,000 and the main house and the guest house were being offered for sale as separate parcels as well.

Records and reports say that the couple picked up their 1892 Victorian on 4th Street N. in 1994 for just $415,000. Listing information for the 5 bedroom house indicates that is measures in at (approx.) 5,500 square feet and includes three fireplaces inside and landscaped grounds overlooking the St. Croix River Valley outside. Other rooms in the house include living and dining room, a library, an eat in kitchen with butcher block counter tops, a family room a fa-boo screened porch on the second floor.

The couple clearly spent big bucks restoring the original woodwork and updating the old gurl to include modern amenities such as air conditioning. In addition to the main house, the property includes a not so nice in the winter detached garage and a guest house that sits adjacent to the heated swimming pool. The tiered gardens also feature a small fruit orchard, ponds, woods and rolling lawns.

Some of Your Mama's nearest and dearest hunker down in Minneapolis and while we like visiting that neck of the woods to walk through The Walker and eat at The Modern Cafe, we could never actually live in a place that becomes an ice sheet several months of the year. However, despite the kinda creepy mosaic statue in the garden, we do think this is a lovely house that will make a nice home for some well to do Minnesotan with children who enjoy ice hockey, sledding down the backyard lawn and other winter activities.

Yes children, we too notice that the interior spaces could use a bit of a work over by a nice gay decorator capable of functioning in sub-zero temperatures, but there's really nothing wrong here besides it looking a mite generic. This bland, blah and lifeless pallor may in fact be due to the fact that the Lange/Shepard do not, according to reports, live here anymore.

In fact, most reports indicate that the couple decamped to New York City were records reveal the couple forked over $3,400,000 in April of 2005 to purchase a 9th floor two unit combination apartment on lower Fifth Avenue. The full service building sits conveniently near enough to Washington Square Park that the couple–should they be so inclined–could easily score a dime bag on their way to the corner deli.

Recent reports reveal that the couple has not cut all ties to Minnesota and property records do indeed indicate the Lange/Shepards still own a good sized spread up near Lake Superior in a town called Holyoke, not so far from the towns of Duluth and Cloquet, where Miz Lange was raised.

Kiefer Sutherland Lives Large in the Ghetto

SELLER: Kiefer Sutherland
LOCATION: Madison Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $4,895,000
SIZE: 14,400 square feet, 3 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Beautifully converted Warehouse. This celebrity owned New York styled loft has been done with quality and taste. It combines a 6,000 sq. ft. living space while the rest of the building houses a state of the art recording studio. It is unassuming from the street and beautifully dramatic upon entry. The residence has all rooms opening to each other, 25 ft ceilings, polished concrete floors warmed by a radiant heat, fabulous cooks kitchen and all a walk down the hall to the studio and offices.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: First of all, Your Mama would like to thank all the children for their kind words regarding our little turn on CNN this week. Secondly, we'd like to apologize for not providing some good celebrity real estate sugar for the babies yesterday but this delicate flower was all stroked out from heat exhaustion and simply could not force our fingers to get anywhere near the computer keyboard. Anyhoo, we're back to feeling on an even keel and wanted to drop this little nugget on you before the week began...

Could it be now that the very recently dee-vorced and liquor luvin' actor Kiefer Sutherland is dating a high fashion philly from New York City he does not need his giant warehouse of a home in Los Angeles? Well, Your Mama doesn't know shit about Mister Sutherland's motivations, but we do know that the well regarded actor recently listed his unconventional Los Angeles residence with an asking price of $4,895,000.

The extremely well compensated actor, who currently struts his hard boiled and supah-sexy stuff as Jack Bauer on 24, can afford to live just about anywhere he damn well chooses. However, since July of 2002, the hard driving Hollywood hot shot has famously chosen to hunker down in a bunker like building in a somewhat seedy and not so savory section of Los Angeles wedged in between Hollywood and Silver Lake.

Property records show that in July of 2002, Mister Sutherland forked over $700,000 to purchase a 14,400 square foot warehouse space on N. Madison Avenue. He clearly proceeded to spend boo-coo bucks converting the former ironworks foundry into what listing information indicates is an approximately 6,000 square foot living space and a separate work space that includes offices and a dee-luxe recording studio and offices for Mister Sutherland's record label called Ironworks Music. Yes children, Mister Sutherland has a record label that he co-owns with his BFF Jude Cole, a well known fact that Your Mama did not know before we had a little look-see through the internets this morning.

The front facade of the forbidding building is covered in a colorful and fanciful mural and according to Mister Sutherland is frequently used by the local Salvadoran and Ukrainian gangs who tag the security gates in order to claim to their territory. Well, that's, uh, charming, ain't it? Listing information for Mister Sutherland's large living circumstances indicates that in addition to the three bedrooms and 4 bathrooms, the gigantic open plan space where all the rooms open to each other includes 25 foot ceilings and polished concrete floors with radiant heat. The listing photos reveal that Mister Sutherland's digs also include curtained off areas that function as an art/painting studio and a home gym set up.

The master bedroom appears to be about as large as Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's entire damn house and as far as we can ascertain includes a sitting area, a punching bag, a big bathroom and a cedar lined sauna. The children will note that the one feature missing from Mister Sutherland's digs are windows. Quite frankly, Your Mama would not want windows if we lived in this place either. In this neck of the Los Angeles woods they are simply an invitation for burglars. However, it does appear that Mister Sutherland's architect smartly includes skylights throughout the structure to allow for at least some natural light.

Listen children, back when Your Mama was a pretty young thing living it up in San Francisco, we used to spend an inordinate amount of time hanging around a warehouse style living and performing space called 21 Bernice where junkies could nod out in peace and down and dirty drag queens could work their shady and brazilliant stuff like nobody's bizness. However, we were young, practically broke and decidedly not famous so it made a certain amount of sense.

However, we do find it a wee bit unusual, if not a little bih-zarre, that an a-list actor who reportedly makes upwards of $20,000,000 a year would shack up in a quasi-industrial part of town where it (may or) may not be safe for a hugely famous man to walk around after dark. But then again, this bad boy seems to like living his life on a razor thin edge, so maybe it's not so strange after all.

Property records show that Mister Sutherland also owns a modest home on La Maida Street in Sherman Oaks that he bought in December of 2003 for $610,000 as well as 2,467 square foot house on Placidia Avenue in the Toluca Lake area that he bought in July of 2006 for $1,025,000.

As Mister Big Time noted in his run down on Kiefer Sutherland, the hard living actor once owned an 813 acre ranch in Santa Maria, CA that he sold in the year 2000. Your Mama also notes that records show that in 1999 he sold a big house on S. Plymouth Boo-lay-vard in Los Angeles' Hancock Park and in 2003 he and his long-estranged and now ex-wifey Kelly Winn sold their house in Toronto to a writer who ex-poe-sayd the transaction in an inneresting article for The Times (UK).

Your Mama Hit the Big Time...

...on CNN!

Jennifer Grant Selling in Santa Monica

SELLER: Jennifer Grant
LOCATION: Fraser Avenue, Santa Monica, CA
PRICE: $2,195,000
SIZE: 1,564 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Craftsman beach home architecturally designed and remodeled on the best Ocean Park walk street – 1 block from the sand. Incredible attention to detail. Light and open with a N.Y. style 2nd story loft. 25' vaulted ceilings with exposed beams, skylights in almost every room, hardwood floors and sisal carpets. Gourmet cooks kitchen. Large master suite with all new bath and walk-in closet leading to a private deck. Great office and 2nd bedrm and bath.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Recently we were perusing the listings in Santa Monica and came across this itty bitty beach cottage in Santa Monica sitting pretty on the market for $2,195,000. Because Your Mama is nothing if not a Nosy Nelly, we peeked into the property records and much to our deelishus dee-lite discovered it's currently owned by Hollywood scion Jennifer Grant.

Your Mama realizes that many of the children will not immediately recognize the name Jennifer Grant as a "celebrity." It might be because Miss Grant is only a minor celeb at best and it might also be because she's not the sort of gal who is out flashing her naughty bits all over town for the paps to photograph nor is she cutting deals with the gossip glossies for "candid" photos like some of the other stoopidly famous folks are oft-rumored to do. Besides, Miss Grant does not need to try nearly as hard as a questionably talented celebutards like that disturbing Heidi Montag. Why? Because this gurl's got Hollywood royalty running in her veins. That's right children. Miss Grant happens to be the only daughter of screen legend Cary Grant and his Oscar nominated fourth wife, kooky and curly haired Lakers fanatic Dyan Cannon.

After stints in a law firm and as a chef, the Stanford graduate–Your Mama lurvs us an edju-muh-kated ack-tress–decided to get into the family bizness in 1993 when she landed a recurring role as Steve Sanders' gurlyfriend Celeste Lundy on the beloved boob-toob juggernaut that was Beverly Hills 90210, a program currently in the process of being reprised. Pleeze. Does anyone really care what Brenda Walsh is up to nowadays? Your Mama might care if the show placed some big advertising on our little online endeavor, but otherwise we don't give a shit. Sorry puppies, but we don't.

Anyhoo, back in May of 1997, several years after Miss Grant strutted her toothy stuff on 90210, prop records reveal that the not particularly successful ack-tress scooped up a cute little cottage on Santa Monica's Fraser Avenue for $625,000. Remember those salad days of real estate children when a diminutive domicile just a few steps from the sugary sands of the Pacific Ocean could be picked up for well under a million dollars? Oh yes, Your Mama does too...wistfully.

Listing information shows the long and slender bungalow includes two bedrooms and two bathrooms while property records indicate the house measures 1,564 square feet and contains five bedrooms. We're not sure why the discrepancy in the number of sleeping chambers but if Your Mama had to guess–and we're only guessing children–three of the original five bedrooms were prolly removed in the full tilt renovation which transformed much of the interior space into a soaring loft with a beautifully articulated 25' ceiling and a well considered ridge-line skylight that pulls lights down into the ecclesiastical second floor loft and main floor living spaces.

Ordinarily Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter do not care for loft style living–we prefer defined spaces with doors that close thank you very much. However, we're going to make an exception for Miss Grant's beach cottage. The skinny residences that line the narrow Santa Monica streets and lead down to the beach are slammed up next to each other making it nearly impossible to harness light and create privacy with windows on the sides of the house. The architect responsible for this renovation has successfully solved that particular problem with the aforementioned ridge-line skylight, an inspired notion that allowed the original roof line to be preserved but also injected a striking modernity into the modified Victorian style structure. We can understand that some preservationist minded folks will not appreciate the modern infusion, but try to imagine how dark this house would feel if it retained its original layout, which was most likely a warren of small rooms with side facing windows.

As for Miss Grant's day-core? Well children, we do feel it could use the deft hand of a nice gay decorator to pull it all together, we think the kitchen could use another re-do and we're somewhat concerned about the potential difficulty of climbing in and getting out of that shower tub combination in the master bedroom. However, we genuinely appreciate the hodge podge nature of the place that genuinely reflects the its current owner. And the books...did the children notice there are actual books in this house? Any house with books that look like they actually get opened and read gets bonus points in Your Mama's book.

Your Mama is certain that many of the children will say this would make perfect for a pied a terre at the beach but really isn't large enough for full time living. Wanna know what we say to that? Bullshit! All this drama that people go through about needing 3,000+ square feet in order to feel comfortable and cosseted is nothing but a bunch of whining and complaining. Seriously. People want to have mammoth mansions and sprawling estates, that's just fine. But Your Mama does not want to hear anybody moan about how they need a big house surrounded by an ocean of perfectly manicured lawn. Rubbish!

As far as Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter are concerned, this is the perfect amount of interior space for comfortable living. Yes, we would absolutely prefer more outdoor space where our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly could sun their sausage shapes and we'd be perpetually annoyed about having to carry food for the barbecue through the master bedroom. However, we'd make due if it meant being able to stroll down to the sand in less than 2 minutes.

Your Mama hasn't a clue to where Miss Grant will be decamping with her Buddha things and books, but based Your Mama wishes her all the best.

Co-op Board Craziness

This morning Your Mama discussed a magnificent (but in need of a major re-do) doo-plex co-operative apartment located in New York City's super swank 740 Park Avenue that was recently hoisted onto the market with a spine tingling asking price of $38,000,000.

Since there has been much discussion in the past regarding the capricious and powerful boards who fiercely guard access to the better buildings in Manhattan, Your Mama thought the children might get a kick and a hoot out of this article from the July 13 issue of the NY Post that gives a fun rundown and a few interesting tidbits about the rich folks who control access to some of the most restrictive apartment buildings in the city, including 740 Park Avenue.

The 740 Park Avenue Sell Off

SELLER: Peter Huang
LOCATION: 740 Park Avenue, New York, NY
PRICE: $38,000,000 (maintenance and common charges: $10,574/month)
SIZE: 7,500 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...A private elevator landing opens to an impressive entry gallery with a grand staircase. It boasts large scale rooms with 10 foot ceilings. There is a separate staircase that leads to the servants quarters. This elegant duplex has beautiful moldings throughout, hardwood floors and wood burning fireplaces...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oh children, Your Mama is betwixt and breathless this morning contemplating the latest co-operative apartment to become available in the dee-luxe and obscenely-exclusive 740 Park Avenue in New York City. Seldom do apartments in the Rosario Candela designed building on the corner of 71st Street and Park Avenue hit the open market. However, a dy-no-mite doo-plex on the fourth and fifth floors has recently hit the market with a blistering $38,000,000 asking price.

According to property records and recent reports, the dee-lishus doo-plex is currently owned by Chinese born financier Peter Huang who purchased the lavish spread back in 1977. Mister Huang, who seems to keep a pretty low public profile, was once married to a ladee named Nancy who reportedly ruffled a some of the freakishly rich and security conscious feathers of 740 Park residents when she invited such colorful and flamboyant rock stars like Kid Creole, Fab Five Freddie and Chic's Nile Rodgers to parties. While Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter would love nothing more than to have such folks as guests, this is just not done at 740 Park Avenue children.

Listing information indicates the 5 bedroom and 7.5 bathroom apartment measures in at (approx.) 7,500 square feet. That figure alone is unusual in that many of the more restrictive co-ops in New York don't care for details of the building leaking out. For example, real estate agents lucky enough to secure a listing in the ridiculously ritzy River House on East 52nd Street are reportedly forbidden to use the name of the building in advertising and marketing materials. We think that is simply stoopid and silly, but then again so are many of the arcane rules and regulations that govern New York's most expensive addresses.

Anyhoo, before we pick through the fa-boo floor plan which provides some serious real estate porn for anyone interested in how the mega-moneyed elite live in New York City, let's run the numbers: 2 floors, 16 rooms, 22 (or 23) closets, 44 windows, 10 foot ceilings, 4-5 bedrooms (depending on how the rooms are used), 5.5 family bathrooms plus 2 more for the 4 staff bedrooms, 3 fireplaces, and 2 stair cases. Phew!

Although there are at least three other swanky units that share the fourth and fifth floors, including one owned by billionaire biznessman David Koch, Mister Huang's apartment features a private elevator landing that opens into a large foyer with a Scarlett O'Hara worthy curving stair case. The 725+ square foot corner living room is large enough to hold a hoe-down and sports a wood burning fireplace, intricate moldings and several large windows overlooking pristine Park Avenue. The other generously proportioned public rooms include a 25 foot long dining room, a 400+ square foot library–also with a fireplace–and a curious little room located off the dining room that is perfect for sipping tea and going over the social calendar with one's private secretary. The well scaled eat in kitchen at the back of the unit includes a laundry room, two walk in pantries and access to the the service entrance and staff quarters.

Upstairs the master suite encompasses a sitting room, six closets, two bathroom and a corner bedroom with a fireplace. Three additional bedrooms each have a private pooper, an excellent feature because let's be honest, who wants to pay upwards of thirty-five million clams only to have overnight guests be subjected to the durty bizness of someone else.

Although it would probably cause Your Mama to have a nervous break down to live is such lavish circumstances, we imagine that any Richie Rich buyer of this property will appreciate that the two floor staff quarters are connected by a private staircase which will spare them the indignity of having to share stairs with the cleaning gurls unless they are vacuuming the main staircase.

Your Mama is going to move beyond the day-core which we think relies much too heavily on printed wallpaper, contrasting curtains and carpets with dizzying patterns for our personal taste and enjoyment. It goes without saying perhaps then that Your Mama thinks this place, even with it's mind bending asking price, is in obvious need of a hard core and full scale re-decorative re-do. We think it's super-safe to assume the new owner will hire a very expensive team of architects and nice gay decorators to work over, update and upgrade every inch of this palatial property because as far as we can tell, this place lack central heat and air. We can only hope with held breath that the new owners, whomever they may be, will be kind enough to invite Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter for a tour after the curtains are hung and every last upsettingly expensive settee is in place .

Celebrity House Hunters

Let's start the day with some real estate rumor and gossip.

Good House Hunting...

It seems that Oscar winning ack-tor Ben Affleck and his oft nominated for an Emmy ack-tress wifey Jennifer Garner have the celebrity real estate gossips brows furrowed and tongues wagging just about every other week. First there was a humongous house in the Holmby Hills that all of the world (including Your Mama) thought they bought. They didn't.

Next, the house hunters were spotted touring a modest cottage in Venice and Your Mama heard from a well placed source in The Boo that the couple also peeked and poked around at a big and newly built house on Birdview Avenue that was listing in the twenty million smacker range.

Then it was back to the Holmby Hills where the possibly preggers pair have been spotted more than once looking over a freshly rehabbed John Bersci designed manse on S. Mapleton Drive that is currently listed at $27,500,000.

This week, the couple were out in their Audi A8 peeping and poking around a house in Brentwood that is currently under construction and about which Your Mama has no specific information.

So what gives children? Are these two really looking to buy a new crib to house a new crib or do they just like looking? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

P.S. We've long heard (but can not confirm) that the real estate luvin' couple is building a new nest for their (possibly) growing family in the Mandeville Canyon area of Brentwood, and Your Mama has also heard from a source we'll call Laughing Larry who says that the couple have twice looked at the Cecil B. DeMille estate in gated Laughlin Park (where we hear Ben's little bro Casey lives). Laughing Larry also whispered in Your Mama's big ear that one of the viewings occured in the evening and Ben's buddy Matt Damon and his wifey Luciana tagged along to see the historic 6 bedroom and 10 bathroom estate that is currently listed at $23,950,000 (reduced from $26,500,000). Hmm. Inneresting.

Heidi and Spencer Go Boo...

Also making (probably fake) celebrity real estate news is gossip glossy favorites Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag who have somehow managed to become wildly and upsettingly famous simply by calling the paps whenever they grocery shop, grab coffee or go shopping.

Oh look, there's Miss Montag now with her weave all did up teetering on a pair of sky high alligator sling-backs and toting a big white Birkin bag posing for all she's worth on the balcony of an ocean front house in Malee-boo. And oh looky there, now she's kissing on her man Spencer who among other offenses looks like he's got a damn pubic bush on his face. Seriously dude, shave that kitty-cat off.

Anyhoo, online reports say the gun toting Christians were spotted having a look-see at a $90,000 per month rental on the beach in Malee-boo before heading up into the hills to view a property listed for (around) $12,000,000. Ack! Your Mama would bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that the desperate for any and all attention couple arranged for the paps to follow them out the Pacific Coast Highway and bee-lined from the front door right out the back door so the snap happy paps could nab a thousand photos of the lovebirds getting smoochy on the deck. Uhm. Okay. Whatever.

Listen children, we know these two make boo-coo bucks working their breathtaking lack of skills and talents around Hollywood and Las Vegas, but does anyone really think these two have the ka-ching to purchase a $12,000,000 house in Malee-boo? Pleeze.

Listen to Your Mama Miss Montag and Mister Pratt, the two of you best stay put in your crappy condo in West Hollywood because when fame and fortune dries up for you two–and it most certainly will–we'd just hay-ate to see y'all face an uglee foreclosure proceeding due to a mammoth mortgage that you can no longer afford.

Speak Up!

There's been a lot of publicity this week about the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce mounting a campaign to raise funds to repair damaged stars on Hollywood Boulevard's Walk of Fame. Above are the four stars they cited as "Most severely damaged." I was certainly surprised to see my own star included, since it's only been there for a few weeks, and it looks fine to me. When I inquired about this, I was told first that "We consider Tallulah Morehead the most-severely damaged star on the whole Walk of Fame, even including the Ally of Infamy off of Selma." When I pointed out that my sidewalk star was perfectly fine, they replied, "Who's talking about the sidewalk? Have you looked in a mirror lately?" Well of course I haven't. Why should I hurt my own feelings?

I suspect that the rude butch woman who told me this was a lesbian, and I can say that now, since the residents of the Island of Lesbos lost their absurd suit. They had stopped yodelling in their local canyons long enough to file a lawsuit to prevent lesbians from calling themselves lesbians, despite the patent paradox. They said it defamed residents of Lesbos, although for it to be a defamation, you first have to accept that there's something wrong with being a lesbian, and that's absurd. Aside from their terrible fashion sense and bad breath (well, you know where their mouths have been.), there's nothing wrong with being a lesbian. Why, some of my best friends have drunk from the fairy cup, and when they told me they were lesbians, I was so shocked I fell out of our bed! The whole lawsuit was an assault on Free Speech. Had it held up, next Holland could have sued to stop lesbians from being called dykes!

You know the difference between a Dutch dyke and a lesbian dyke? When you stick your finger in a Dutch dyke, the moisture stops flowing. When you stick your finger in a lesbian dyke, the moisture starts. Anyway, may I suggest that henceforth the residents of Lesbos call themselves Lesbosians? That should put an end to any confusion, and the Lesbosians can go back to performing their quaint native customs for the tourists: muff-diving, clam-tasting, and hands-free organic flossing.

Well, it's about time I got some respect. I have, after all, been a movie star since 1915, and was considered one of the greatest voices in the silent cinema. The kids today won't even watch black and white movies, let alone silent films, yet we shone with a magic light, and acting was so much easier when you didn't have to learn any dialogue, although, as a consummate professional, I memorised all of my title cards. You think The Drunk Night is something new? Batman and The Joker have been around forever. In fact, the first Joker was Conrad Veidt way back in 1927, a amazing feat, given that Bob Kane didn't even create the character for another 13 years. That my darlings is genius!

One of my most popular silent films was the creepy horror movie, The Phantom of the Operetta, in which I co-starred with gorgeous Lon Chaney. Well, when I work with a man that sexy, how can I resist having an affair? Here he is, seducing me with his looks and charm.

Sex appeal must have been in the Chaney Family genes, because later on his son Creighton, better known by the bogus name Lon Chaney Junior, also charmed and drank his way into my panties. That wolf man was an animal. He could drink me under the table. And that wasn't all we did while we were under that table either. It didn't matter to The Chaneys if I was silent or not. They were father and son monsters.

The horror highlight of The Phantom of the Operetta came when Lon crept up behind me and ripped off my mask! There's nothing silent about theaters full of people screaming and vomiting!

At the end-of-shoot party, Lon fingered his organ, while I sang. Here in this picture, you can see Lon reel with - ah - admiration, as he heard my singing voice for the very first time, plus I had made the mistake of exhaling in his face. How much were silent movies loved? Well everyone at that party who heard my singing said that they prayed that the movies would always remain silent.

For the most part, my silent period was fully detailed in my lavish and award-free autobiography, My Lush Life, although all of my many husbands up to about age 40 (An age I reached while still only 28.) all swear that I never had a "Silent Period." However, some details slipped my notoriously slick mind while dictating my memoirs to Little Dougie. For instance, I never mentioned that I played a brief comic cameo role in Harold Lloyd's famous comedy Safety Last. I had wanted to work with Harold as I'd heard that in his movies he was always very well hung. However, my little star turn was cut from the finished film when it was noticed how completely I upstaged the little Republican pisser. Here is my brief shot, seen for the very first time.

One day recently, I glanced over my book when more sober than usual (I'd overslept, and accidentally had time to sleep it off. DOH!), I realized that I had completely omitted one of my most epic silent films, and as this film is now lost, with no print known to have survived a family BBQ the director had one day 65 years ago, few people alive today have ever seen the five hour German-American epic: Der Nibelungen Always Ring Twice.

The movie, directed by the German genius Fritz Bumsen, who had directed my silent science-fiction classic Beyond Belief, was based on the 20 hour Wagner opera Der Ring des Nibelungen, which later became Hitler's favorite opera. Most people familiar with Wagner's slightly overwritten opera agree that by cutting 15 hours, and removing all the music, we had vastly improved it. "At last," one music critic wrote, "a version of The Ring Cycle for people with weak bladders!"

To aid in making the picture more accessible to American audiences not used to stories involving Rhine maidens, Valkyries, and long, long tales in which every woman the hunky blond hero ever meets is one of his aunts, we decided to combine the traditional German legend with the newly-emerging genré of Film Noir, by making it a murder mystery, and sticking a couple of murders and a private eye into the picture.

To help with the box office, my husband at that time, the gorgeous blond closet homosexual Rod Towers was cast opposite me in the film. We were quite the screen team at the time, having co-starred in many films. Plus, I had no idea yet that he was batting for both teams, although I should have suspected something from the fact that he always called me by male names when we made love, an act he would only perform while wearing a blindfold and nose plugs.

Rod played Siegfried, the grandson of the god Wotan, whose parents are siblings. Germans. I played the Valkyrie Boozehilda, a tough-talking dame who is trouble on ice.

When the dragon Fafner gets slain, Sam Spade shows up while Sieggie and I are bathing in the dragon's blood. He finds this suspicious, although dragon's blood is great for your skin.

Not long thereafter, Siegfried is betrayed and slain, and the plot, like the dragon's blood, thickens, in fact, it clots. I am an immediate suspect simply because I had taken out a life insurance policy on Siegfried, with a special clause paying me double indemnity if he is murdered. (You could only get this clause in German life insurance.) Siegfried's widow Krimehild is also a suspect, as is my boyfriend and insurance agent, Walter Neff. (In the Wagner opera, Neff is called Alberech.)

The picture has an unusual conclusion for a murder mystery. Krimehild decides that everyone is guilty, so she throws a dinner party at which she kills the entire cast. Never trust a German widow who serves canned salmon mousse.

The picture was not a success. There were several reasons speculated as being responsible for the film's failure. It was five hours long, with no intermission. It was a huge downer. It glorified the values that were driving the Nazis to make themselves unwelcome all over Europe, and of course, it was a silent movie, despite having been made in 1940. But my own theory is that it was the casting of Sonja Henie as Krimehild that sank the picture. Admittedly, she was so unpleasant that she was totally believable as a woman who would murder the entire cast, but the final scene, where she ice skated on the frozen blood of all her victims, was just wildly over the top. Perhaps one day a print of this unique film will be rediscovered. There are seven or eight film fans clamoring to see it, oddly enough, all of them skinheads.

A last word on another topic, now that Barry O'Bama shows promise of becoming the first black Irish American President, I have realized that none of the husbands I can remember having were black, although Count Vlad Tepes was well-known to be black-hearted. So I have decided I need to marry again, and a well-hung black man this time. I've been watching the dance competition TV show So You Think You Can Prance, and I have fallen in love with the three gorgeous black male contestants. I can't make up my mind which of them to marry: Twitch, the hunky hip-hopper with a natural comic flair, Will, the sleek, trained contemporary disciple of Debbi Allen, or Joshua, the burly boy with the massive, family-size butt. Since I can't decide, I have opted to leave it up to America. Whichever of these three wins the show will be my next husband. I've convinced Nigel Lythgoe to make marrying me part of the winner's prize, unless it's won by a girl (Unlikely given these three men), or by boring white Mark. (Like he's going to survive tonight's elimination show.) After all, what 20-something man in perfect physical condition wouldn't want to marry the world's most glamorous 111 year old movie star? (If you're wondering how I convinced Nigel, it was easy. I just stole his ear plugs, and told him he had to make me part of the prize or I wouldn't give them back. Would you want to sit next to Mary Murphy without ear plugs? I rest my case.)


So pick up those phones America and vote. You can help choose my next husband!

Cheers darlings.

The Jonas Brothers Head to the Lonestar State

BUYERS: The Jonas Brothers
LOCATION: Wisteria Way, Westlake, TX
PRICE: $2,895,000 (asking)
SIZE: 7,360 square feet 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Must see to appreciate this absolutely gorgeous house located in Westlake, TX in a nice and safe neighborhood. Single family, six bedrooms, six baths. Spacious rooms with plenty of storage and closet space.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama has a musical confession to make and we hope none of you tweenage gurls and bubble gum pop music fans will hold it against us. As far as Your Mama knows, we have never even heard a song sung by the Jonas Brothers and without a little research on the internets, Your Mama would not have been able to pick the curly haired boys out from any crowd of high school age boys. Your Mama would have remained blissfully ignorant of the brothers Jonas but for the heaps of rumors, reports and dozens of emails cluttering up our inbox this morning that all claim the teenage singing sensations have gone and bought themselves a big house in a fancy gated community on the outskirts of Dallas, Texas.

If the rumors are true, the squeaky clean trio will soon be moving their gee-tars and purity rings from their current crib in Los Angeles to a 7,360 square foot manse located on Wisteria Way in the upscale Vaquero Club in Westlake, Texas. Online information for the Vaquero Club indicates that the gates are guarded 24 hours a day and the entire community is surrounded by a six to eight foot high stacked stone perimeter wall. Not that Your Mama would encourage any such nonsense or stoopidity, but we sincerely doubts that a little ol' six or eight foot wall will deter intrepid, clever and obsessed 12 year old gurls. Pleeze. The raging hormones of these crazed pre-teen gives them the supernatural power to leap over tall barriers if there is even a whisper of an opportunity to glimpse the baby faced visages of their (allegedly) virgin idols.

Anyhoo, here's what's being reported far and wide: The three boys (Kevin, Joe and Nick) granted their mother Denise Jonas power of attorney to sign purchase documents for a 6 bedroom stone built house that has either 6 or 6.5 bathrooms, depending on which online listing you look at. Property records don't yet indicate a sale price, but the asking price for the big house was $2,895,000.

The Jonas Brothers' new nest looks over the 6th and 7th fairways of the Tom Fazio designed Vaquero Golf Course and includes all manner of Old World day-core, acres of paneling and woodwork, a game room, a colossal kitchen that opens to a family room and, natch, a home thee-ayter where the oft hounded gossip glossy phenoms can watch movies without being disturbed by all the young gurls (and boys) who hurl, shriek and faint with excitement when they see the Jonas Brothers in public places.

Out back, a large loggia overlooks an even larger swimming pool and spa, and a trellis covered pavilion includes an outdoor fireplace where the boys can harmonize, pluck their gee-tars and write some more songs that will earn them even more millions of dollars. How much do the children want to bet that there will soon be a lot of 12 year old gurls going golfing at Vaquero with their daddies in the hopes of catching one or more of the brothers Jonas lying poolside in a bathing suit?

The Vaquero Club is reportedly already home to several famous residents including professional golfers Brian Watts and Todd Hamilton as well as former footballer Henry Ford and baseball's Dave Berg...all people, incidentally that Your Mama has never heard of. However, the fantastical fame of the Jonas Brothers eclipses all the other famous folks in Vaquero and Your Mama imagines that all the tweenage gurls who currently live in exclusive community will soon be some of the most popular gurls at school. All the other gurls will soon be begging through tears of desperation to be invited to a weekend sleep over during which they'll roam the streets of Vaquero like wild dogs in search of raw meat.

Listen children, Your Mama finds it a tad bit strange that the older Jonas brothers–two of whom are over 18 years old–would want to remain living in the family house. However, if that's their choice, so be it. However, Your Mama does have to wonder how the family will decide who gets the master suite...or will the boys line up twin beds and all bunk together in the big bedroom?

UPDATE: Jeff Lewis

Cross your fingers kids because it looks like professional house flipper Jeff Lewis and his bizness partner and ex-luvah Ryan Brown may have finally sold that damn house on Valley Oak Drive that is featured on the current season of Bravo's boob toob favorite Flipping Out.

Since so many of the children seem to take an impolite delight in real estate schadenfreude, let's go back and have a look-see at the asking price history for this property. The hillside house in the Los Feliz neighborhood was first plopped on the market in April of 2008 with an optimistic asking price of $3,195,000. Just about a month later the asking price was hacked to $2,995,000, then a month later it was given another $200,000 haircut to $2,795,000 where it sat for another four or five weeks when it was given another $200,000 ka-rah-tay chop to its current asking price of $2,595,000.

Anyhoo, the listing for the 3 bedroom and 3.5 bathroom residence is now marked, "Looking for Backup" indicating that the property has entered escrow and will soon be sold...if the deal sticks together. Your Mama is sure that Missus Lewis and Brown are happy as pigs in shit that the house has finally sold and so are we because the more houses they sell the more likely we'll get to watch Jeff's crazy obsessive ass on the tee-vee.

Your Mama will let the children and the Chicken Littles discuss and duke it out about whether the $600,000 price reduction is a result of the house being over priced to begin with or if it's a reflection of the state of the market.

UPDATE: Candy Spelling

Well children, now we know why ridiculously rich Hollywood widow Candy Spelling has been looking to unload some of her real estate holdings of late...she's downsizing. The lavish living ladee just forked over a record breaking $47,000,000 to buy the top two floors of a yet to be completed A.M. Stern designed building called The Century currently rising on Avenue of the Stars in Century City. For those not overly familiar with the lay of L.A. Land, Century City is a glittering and puny pocket of tall towers that sits south of Santa Monica Boulevard and between Bev Hills and Westwood Village.

Miz Spellings dee-luxe doo-plex will span about 16,000 square feet with 360 degree views from downtown Los Angeles to Catalina Island. Not surprisingly, the reported $2,848 per square foot price sets a record for a Los Angeles condominium.

The pampered and polished Mis Spelling has purchased her giant con-doe early enough in the construction process that she will be able to bring in her own architects and designers to finish her 41st and 42nd floor aerie. A few of the high-priced details of her new digs were reported in the Los Angeles Times and include a living room with two working fireplaces, a bizarrely large 4,000 square foot master bedroom, a massage room, exercise room, and conservatory that will feature a damn rose garden as well as an indoor swimming pool that will open to a terrace. Oh it's nice to be rich, ain't it children? Your Mama imagines that Miz Spelling's team of people will somehow manage to squeeze a gift wrapping room into the plan too because let's be honest, once you've become accustomed to having a gift wrapping room or two, you simply can not live without one.

We suppose this big buy means we'll start hearing whispers and rumors about the sixty something year old's 123-room mega mansion–dubbed The Manor–on S. Mapleton Drive going on the market. In fact Miz Spelling's attorney, a gentleman named Stephen Goldberg, is quoted saying that the woman with a penchant for all things glam often receives "feelers" and expressions of interest from potential buyers for her 11 bedroom and 16 bathroom behemoth including one filthy rich party who "promised nine figures and change plus a jet." Well good for her, because no matter how you slice it, decorate it, or keep it up, 56,000+ square feet is a lonely amount of space for just one person.

Meanwhile, Your Mama hears that daughter Tori and her growing family have recently purchased a much more modest new house in the Little Holmby neighborhood of Los Angeles. Records show that Tori's new 5 bedroom house cost her $2,275,000, which our bejeweled abacus tells us amounts to a breathtaking one-twentieth of the amount of cash Candykins just dumped on her new nest.

photo: The Century

Nic Cage Selling Another One

SELLER: Nic Cage
LOCATION: Spanish Heights Drive, Las Vegas, NV
PRICE: $9,490,000 (reduced from $9,500,000)
SIZE: 14,306 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 5 full and 3 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...Each guest suite and bath is done in such an individual unique manner one must take a second look to absorb the meticulous detail. Game rooms, guest quarters, professional theatre, state of the art security system are just a few of the gracious amenities. Three levels of living and entertaining with a commercial grade element to take you from your 16 car garage to a master suite that is a world apart–complete with steam, sauna and a jetted tub with a water fountain–private balcony views the mountains for a romantic sunset escape.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama is running behind on a number of older items we've had lined up in our queue of celebrity properties, so we recognize and realize that many of you children already know that hair challenged and Academy Award winning actor Nic Cage is selling his giant house in Las Vegas from reading other websites and blogs that obsessively discuss celebrity real estate the way Your Mama does.

However, given that Mister Cage is one of the most prolific celebrity buyers and sellers of real estate, we figured we'd give this one a whirl anyway. Keep your mouth shut and move ahead if you've already read all you want to read about the humongous hacienda located on Spanish Heights Drive that Mister Cage has listed with an asking price of $9,500,000.

Located in the high priced gated community called The Spanish Hills, property records show that Mister Cage purchased his rather large desert hideout in September of 2006 for $8,500,000. Interestingly the public records Your Mama accessed indicate that creepy illusionist David Copperfield once owned the land on which Mister Cage's 14,306 square foot house sits.

Given that Mister Cage owns more properties around the world than Your Mama has fingers to count, it's unclear how much time Mister and Missus Cage actually spent roaming around the three floor mansion that includes 7 bedrooms (including a master with jetted tub, steam and sauna contraptions and private sitting room), 9 terlits, 3 fireplaces, garaging for a shocking 16 cars (who has 16 cars?), a professional theatre, a hotel lobby sized living room, gor-may kitchen, work out room, a swimming pool and spa and a commercial grade elevator that services all three floors of the 14,306 square foot house that is squeezed like a baby in the damn birth canal onto a .36 acre parcel.

Listing information indicates that the Cage casa is being offered fully furnished with each of the bedrooms done up in an "individual and unique manner," which quite frankly sounds a little frightening. Listen children, if anyone were to ask Your Mama–and of course no one did–there is little worse than themed bedrooms in private homes. No one, including Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter, wants to drive 14 hours to visit Aunt Mary only be put up in a bedroom decorated like some fake-ass fantasy vision of Africa–because, you know, unlike Your Mama, Aunt Mary has never actually been to Africa–or an icky homage to her honeymoon in Hawaii. Seriously people, no one. Your Mama's decorating rule #28: No themed bedrooms in private homes. Ever. Themed bedrooms are only acceptable in kooky and kitchy motels like the magnificently camp Madonna Inn in San Luis Obispo, CA. (Your Mama's favorites has always been the Austrian Suite worked over all in blue and the pinkalicious Madonna Suite. Check 'em out for a good giggle).

Anyhoo, Your Mama hasn't a clue why Mister Cage would buy, exuberantly decorate and sell this huge house in just two years of ownership. But then again we also don't know what drives a man to (reportedly and according to property records) own a big house in Bel Air, two houses in New Orleans including the infamous LaLaurie House, a castle and a townhouse in Bath, England, a mansion (or two) in San Francisco, a big house in Middletown, Rhode Island, a couple of places in the Bahamas including a 40+ acre private island as well as additional residences in New York and Newport Beach, where he recently sold a humongous harbor front house for a blistering $35,000,000.

According to the Internet Movie Data Base the in demand actor has at least 7 or 8 projects in development and post production, so we don't imagine he has any trouble coughing up the necessary coin, but Your Mama's head still goes light and we have to power sniff the smelling salts just to consider the massive amount of moo-lah that Mister Cage and his much younger wifey Alice are required to spend every year on the taxes, maintenance and staffing for all of their too many houses.

Property records show that tennis titan Andre Agassi also owns two houses (and a third lot with a tennis court) in the posh Spanish Hills gated community, and as was reported by Mister Big Time previously, Mister Cage also owned a second home in the gated community, on Spanish Hills Drive that he purchased in September of 2005 for $2,250,000 and sold in April 2007 for $2,300,000, a sale price that surely amounted in a net loss for the property rich Mister Cage.