Oruba Reveals What's Behind The Green Door

I never figured myself as one who'd take the untimely death of a pretty righteous woman as an opportunity to watch 70's porn. The journey of life is about finding new things about yourself.

The reason for my interest in Behind the Green Door is that I knew nothing about it. My ignorance had been bugging me for a week before I finally succumbed to my curiosity. Why didn't I know about one of the two main movies behind the Golden Age of Porn?

I'm well aware of Deep Throat despite never having seen it. The movie about the woman who's clitoris is in the back of her throat? Who doesn't know the premise behind that movie? That's a name that brought down a president. But what is behind the Green Door?

It took a week because I had to overcome my unease with watching a dead woman have sex, but I'm glad I gave in. Quite a pleasurable experience I must say.

What is behind the Green Door? A fantasy world constructed to sate your carnal appetite. If I may apply the bullshitting skills I acquired in Film Studies 101, I would say that the Mitchell Brothers, obvious students of Hitchcock, use the color green to the same effect as Hitchcock, to symbolize desire. The door of course is a portal from the Real World to the World of the Watched. Behind the Green Door, like Hitchcock's own Rear Window is commentary, meta-commentary even, equating movie viewing with voyeurism.

All bullshitting aside, I was surprised at the overall production. It seemed not far from a low budget, non-sex movie of the period. I think Linda Lovelace was onto something believing that pornography would merge with mainstream movies. More on that later.

I patiently waited almost 20 minutes for the sexing to start and watched everything straight through. This is a rarity. I skip through porn. Under normal circumstances it would've taken 15 minutes to watch all of Behind the Green Door. The difference was the way the sex was staged. Porn has settled into a formula long ago. Foreplay (if any), Oral, Position 1, Position 2, Position 3, Cum Shot. The End. This was different. Organic. As if what we are watching is the process, the actual lovemaking, rather than the outcome.

Maybe this will make me take back my previous statement. Maybe porn can be art. There's a theory of art, conceived by R.G. Collingwood that states art is process focused. His thinking is that if you're outcome focused, what you're making is classified as a craft. Like making a table, or a basket, or a poster advertising something or other. You could make the case that contemporary porn for the most part is like cabinent making. Art is a process by which the artist attempts to make real an intangible idea, feeling, or impulse. The physical outcome is never in his head, only the Platonic Form he is trying to represent. I don't completely buy Mr. Collingwood's theory, but Behind the Green Door does fit quite nicely into this description.

A few particular things I like:

• The first Boy/Girl doesn't end with a cumshot, but with her orgasm. That's mind blowing! That would be pioneering shit even if it happened today, nearly forty years later.
• The cumshots that are shown last seven minutes and given an avant garde feel.
• That has to be the classiest gangbang I've ever seen. Guys in tights with the crotches cut out; Trapezes; A Greek chorus of sucking, licking, caressing women in the periphery dressed in black; a beautiful woman in the center of it all who sincerely looks like she's enjoying herself and not in pain or in some cracked out frenzy, or reliving some heart wrenching childhood experience.

As I watched Behind the Green Door I marvel how different it is from today's porn. I wonder what happened. How did we get to where we are? Was it Reagan pushing it underground? Was it the advent of VHS and the camcorder? Was it the subsequent decline in production values and the capitalistic need to push out a mass produced product?

I couldn't help thinking of Brave New World. The people of that world go to what are called "feelies," porn movies shown in theatres where all the attendees feel the sensations of the actors onscreen. The stories behind the "feelies" are abysmal. It's the communal aspect of the feelies that got me thinking. Many people saw Behind the Green Door in the theatres. With other people. Packed houses, I am told. I think at that point we reached a juncture in human history and went one way instead of the other. Perhaps there's a split in the space-time continuum, and an alternate universe exists where Linda Lovelace's prophecy did come true. Where Porn and Mainstream movies did merge. Where porn theatres weren't only populated with perverts and cruisers. Maybe AIDS doesn't exist in this world. Maybe women are our complete equals there. Maybe Jerry Falwell choked on a sandwhich when he was 12. Maybe it was Ronald Reagan who was snitched on to HUAC and blacklisted from Hollywood, running for governer California an insane pipe dream for him much less president. Maybe the people of that world look back at Behind the Green Door as the harbinger of a Golden Age.

I do have one gripe, not a huge one. Why does the first black dude I see look like a Zulu warrior? Well at least Marilyn didn't tell him to fuck her with that nigger dick.

Sigh

Artis terkenal Rina Gunawan menjadi seorang Event Organizer

Rina Mustikana Gumilang Gunawan (lahir di Bandung, 28 Juni 1974; umur 35 tahun) adalah presenter dan pemeran Indonesia. Namanya sangat dikenal luas publik Indonesia sebagai presenter acara talk show di stasiun televisi swasta. Ia juga sempat berperan dalam beberapa sinetron, antara lain Erte Erwe (Rumah Tangga Ruwet), Pat Pat Gulipat, Mat Angin, juga jadi bintang tamu dalam Si Doel Anak Sekolahan (sebagai sahabat Sarah yang diperankan oleh Cornelia Agatha). Saat ini ia sibuk dengan perusahaannya yang bergerak di bidang pembuatan sebuah acara (event organizer) yang diberi nama 9HN Production.

Pada awal kariernya, Rina dikenal sebagai penyanyi. Artis yang sempat belajar di Swara Mahardika, Geronimo, dan Studio 26 ini mengeluarkan album Yudi di tahun 1995. Namanya tambah poluler setelah membawakan paket lagu Simphony.
Rina menikah dengan aktor Teddy Syah pada tanggal 11 April 1999. Dari pernikahan ini, mereka dikaruniai dua orang anak, Aqshal Ilham Syafatullah dan Karnisya Rahmasyach.

Music Manager Paul Rosenberg Moving On

SELLER: Paul Rosenberg
LOCATION: Beach Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $4,950,000
SIZE: 4,634 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 3.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: ...a massive 4634 sf triplex with 785 sf of combined outdoor space, currently configured as three bedrooms (two en suite masters), 3.5 baths, plus a home office & dining area.Not only is this an elegant loft home, but a total environment as well which offers a patio with hot tub and outdoor Viking Professional grill with food and beverage center, a Crestron system which has integrated speakers and lighting control throughout every room and patio, home theatre room, glass enclosed wine and cigar bar, game room, and exercise room with sauna...

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Whenever we get a hankering for the hustle and bustle of New York City we poke around the internets to see who might be selling what. Our most recent spin through the always informative StreetEasy turned up a 3 bedroom and 3.5 bathroom TriBeCa triplex maisonette owned by music manager Paul Rosenberg and currently listed with an asking price of $4,950,000.

While Mister Rosenberg is hardly a household name, his number one client is. In addition to managing angry Academy Award winning white rapper Eminem, Mister Rosenberg has also had his voice sampled on most (if not all) of Mister Eminem's albums and together the pair founded Shady Records, a label that also signed D12 (whoever that is) and the mega-rich money machine that is 50 Cent. Mister Rosenberg also manages The Knux and Three 6 Mafia (who won an academy award for their song It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp from the film Hustle and Flow) as well as co-manages the newly reformed pop-punk band Blink 182.

Property records and previous reports reveal that Mister Rosenberg scooped up the 4,634 square foot Beach Street maisonette, carved out of a former warehouse known as the Fischer Mills building, in August of 2002 for around $2,700,000. For all the non-New York puppies who don't know because they probably don't exist in places like Peoria, a maisonette is a multi-story house-like apartment, usually on the ground floor of a larger building, that possesses its own entrance from the outside. Maisonettes provide the privacy of a private home, but still have access to the amenities and security measures offered by the building.

According to listing information, the maisonette's main floor, includes 14-16 foot ceilings, lots of exposed brick and the original, rough-hewn wood beams and column supports which are classic (if cliché) TriBeCa loft conversion aesthetic features. The living room measures nearly 600 square feet and includes loads of built in storage cabinets, a wet bar and an small section of thick glass flooring that looks down into and provides much needed light for what listing information calls a "wine and cigar bar" on the lower floor.

Also on the main level is a stone floored kitchen with maple cabinetry, black counter tops that appear to be stone rather than granite and a large work island with a quartet of bar stools similar to those that can be found in about a thousand cheap Chinese food restaurants below 23rd Street. The adjacent dining room has a soaring 16 foot ceiling, a set of French doors that open to a balcony overlooking the apartment's private patio below, and an entire wall covered in varying shades of green color-blocks that we'd bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly are leather panels affixed to the wall. Rather unfortunately, a powder pooper for guests opens directly into the dining room, which for obvious reasons is not optimal but could easily be relocated to a slightly better location on an adjacent wall.

One of the maisonette's two master bedrooms completes the middle level and features two sets of French doors opening to the aforementioned balcony, a couple of not particularly commodious closets and a bathroom with a radiant heated stone floor. Hovering above the living space is a small loft office space and a second master bedroom with more generously sized closets than the master on the main floor and a large bathroom also, we presume, fitted with radiant heated floors, a feature Your Mama's tootsies can not get enough of.

The lowest level of the triplex is where it becomes obvious that a man lives here. In addition to guest bedroom with direct access to the private patio, there is a home gym set-up with a dry sauna large enough to accommodate a few friends, a windowless recreation room with a round, poker game friendly table and chairs, an arcade game or two, a glassed enclosed wine and cigar bar and a media room with stone walls, caramel leather cover recliner like chairs.

A small and enviable private garden includes a built in grill area and a hot tub which sounds like a good idea except we're more than a little concerned about all the windows that might look down into the patio which would make skinny dipping and hooking up with a hottie a bit more of a exhibitionist's fantasy that Your Mama would feel comfortable.

According to listing information, Mister Rosenberg first put his three floor bachelor pad on the market in November of 2008 with an asking price of $5,450,000 and recently hacked five hundred grand off the price, a not so unusual maneuver in a somewhat stagnant Manhattan real estate market. None the less, Your Mama's bejeweled abacus shows that even if Mister Rosenberg has to slice and dice the asking price even further, he could still easily pocket a million or more smackers on a sale which is, of course, nothing to sneeze at.

Anthony Clark Is Flipping Out Again

SELLER: Anthony Clark
LOCATION: Senalda Road, Los Angeles CA
PRICE: $1,995,000
SIZE: 2,574 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Extraordinary brand nu 2009 remodel never been lived in. 2 years in the making! The finest materials & design. Amazing residence w/ serene Costa Rica style cnyn vus. Magnif Douglas Fir hi pitch beam ceilings. Beaut ironwood, teakwood, oak, slate, & basalt accents thru-out. Dramatic black bamboo flrs. Sub-zero kitchen. Fleetwood doors. Hansgrohe fixtures. Master suite has incredible entertaining terrace & all glass window bath w/ grand steam shower. 3rd bedroom has sep entrance.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Back in early January Your Mama discussed a couple of California cribs being flipped by actor/comedian Anthony Clark who the children may remember from his six year spin as an excessively uptight film executive on the now canceled sit-com Yes, Dear.

We first discussed Mister Clark's Robert Byrd designed digs at the tippy-top of Outpost Drive in Los Angeles which listing information shows is still available with an asking price of $2,395,000 (reduced from $2,795,000). Mister Clark, according to listing information, would also be willing to lease the house at $7,800 per month under just about any circumstances...short term, long term, furnished or unfurnished.

The very next day we shooshed on down to lovely (if way too boho-luxe for our taste anymore) Laguna Beach where Mister Clark is selling a comely contemporary house on Coast View Drive. Listing information reveals the 3 bedroom and 3.5 bathroom dwelling was first listed nearly a year ago with an asking price of $3,289,000, a figure that has been hugely hacked to $2,495,000 and which records show is just $295,000 more than he paid for the place in April of 2004.

Recently Mister Clark flipped a third property in the celebrity packed Outpost Estates area of Los Angeles onto the market. Located on Senalda Drive and just a few doors down from Scarlett Johansson's never lived in mansion on the same street, the property is currently priced at $1,995,000 after recently receiving a substantial $200,000 price chop from its original listing price of $2,195,000.

A peep into the property records reveals that Mister Clark, one of the few out homosexual actors in Hollywood, picked up the property in June of 2007 for $1,200,000. Mister Clark spent the next couple of years fixing up the fixer upper (and it was truly a fixer children because we've seen the photos).

Listing information shows the hillside house measures 2,574 square feet and includes 3 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms, a bed to bath ratio the Dr. Cooter swoons over, but one our harsh tongued house gurl Svetlana does not feel the same way about for obvious reasons.

As do many houses in the hills above Hollywood, the front facade is set back only a few feet from the road behind a stacked stone pony wall and has been clad in lovely horizontal strips of multi-toned woods that may or may not be ironwood and/or teak. Now listen here children, Your Mama does not want to hear from all you whiners who want to prattle on about how terrible it is that this house sits close the road. For your information, there are probably about 19 cars that drive by here everyday and whether any of you rural queens or space hogs like it or not, geography often dictates that houses in the hills hug the streets on which they sit.

Anyhoo, the organic modern vibe continues on the interiors where the floors are either feel good on your feet slate or durable and environmentally friendly black bamboo. The open plan living/dining and kitchen areas share a high peaked wood ceiling and floor to ceiling windows that open to a series of not quite big enough to bbq balconies.

The horizontal motif returns in the kitchen which is wrapped in strips oak and teak (and perhaps iron wood). A complete suite of high grade stainless steel appliances have been slipped into custom oak cabinets topped with basalt counter tops. We are particularly fond of the nearly 900 pound, 2-door and 4-drawer Sub-Zero refrigerator/freeze that costs somewhere in the neighborhood of fourteen thousand dollars.

The master bedroom, located on the lower level, continues with the organic shit and features a stacked stone wall, more of that beauteous black bamboo flooring and gigantic bathroom with double sinks, a party sized steam shower and a soaking tub that sits in front of a wall of windows that slide open so that the soft scents of pine and scrub can waft in while sitting in a pool of dirty water.

Due to it's hillside perch, there really isn't much of a yard for kiddies or our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly , but a large covered terrace has been fashioned out of what was once just the spider filled underneath part of the house. Easy maintenance Mother-in-law's tongue plants have been planted up against the house in a planting bed filled with some of those zen-ish grey stones and little green poofy plants. Although we think those paltry pillows and that little wicker table thing-a-majig are simply unacceptable as patio furniture (what grown person who doesn't contort their body with that yoga shit can get up and down off the floor like that?) we can imagine that with the proper outdoor furniture set-up, this under the house terrace would be a nice place to sip gin and tonics while reading the latest gossip glossies and watching the sun go down through the "Costa Rica like" trees that dot the slope below the house and obscure what might actually be a spectacular view if they weren't there. A less environmentally inclined person will figure out a way to send those trees to the wood chipper, but clearly Mister Clark is a tree lover.

It's unclear to Your Mama which of Mister Clark's three houses he inhabits (or if he lives in yet another property) but we presume he'll simply move to one or another when one of his three properties finally sells to someone appreciative of this renovation style. Your Mama hopes Mister Clark sells something soon–or gets a damn acting job–because just thinking about his crushing monthly carrying costs makes Your Mama shudder.

The Big Digs of Deion Sanders

SELLER: Deion and Pilar Sanders
LOCATION: N. Preston Road, Prosper, TX
PRICE: $21,000,000
SIZE: 29,122 square feet, 10 bedrooms, 9 full and 4 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: The ultimate party and family ranch. 2 story entry, sunken living, banquet dining, your own Dave and Busters, indoor basketball court and bowling alley, indoor and outdoor pools, movie theatre, billiard room, hall of fame gallery, football field, 12 acre lake, tennis court, guest house, 10 car garage, furniture negotiable, approx. living area 29,112 sq. ft. and 38,831 gross sq. ft. footage in main home.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Thanks to the Texas Twostepper we've learned that notorious egomaniac, publicity hound, sports commentator, reality television star (Deion & Pilar: Prime Time Love), and retired professional athlete Deion Sanders and his wifey Pilar have listed their farm/estate in Prosper, TX with an asking price of $21,000,000.

Not being familiar with much in the way of the manly sports, Your Mama had to take to the internets to figure out who this Deion Sanders person is. Our brief research showed that not only did the man play professional baseball he also played professional football for the Atlanta Falcons, the San Francisco 49ers and the Dallas Cowboys who in 1995 paid the well-built corner back $35,000,000 for a seven year contract that included a staggering $12,999,000 signing bonus. He later, according to the interweb, played with the pigskin for the Washington Redskins and finally the Baltimore Ravens before hanging up his cleats. Football players wear cleats, right?

Deion and Pilar's property sits 10 or 20 long miles north of the Dallas metro-plex on more than 100 acres of flat lands in picayune Prosper, TX. Now children, we don't know eh-nee-thing about real estate in North Texas, but we have a hard time imagining there are many moguls or oil tycoons looking to drop twenty some million clams on a house in teeny-tiny and not particularly prosperous Prosper, TX where we can assure you there isn't much in the way of businesses that cater to Maybach owners and Gucci lovers.

Listing information shows Mister Sanders' sprawling mega-mansion of indeterminate and indiscriminate architectural style measures a titanic 29,122 square feet of glossy marble floors, soaring ceilings, colossal crystal chandeliers and some of the most disturbing drapery Your Mama has seen in a very long time. The house is so humongous that the able bodied Mister Sanders often gets around on one of those Rascal scooters that are more commonly used by the old, the infirm, the physically decrepit and apparently, the lazy.

According to listing information, the multi-winged monster mansion contains 10 bedrooms including a first floor master bedroom suite with a sitting room that spins like a damn turn table, a large, round and orgy friendly bed, more smoked glass and black lacquer than we recommend be in one place at one time, a two story walk-in closet, kitchen, a behemoth bathroom with a garden tub (whatever that is) and a private 2-car attached garage separate from the 10 or 12 other garage spaces that house Mister Sanders extensive collection of tricked out whips located at the opposite end of the house.

Listing information also shows there are 9 full and 4 half bathrooms which our bejeweled abacus shows adds up to an unlucky thirteen terlits. Our tyrannical and seriously superstitious house gurl Svetlana would demand that Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter either add or remove a bathroom before she'd even step across the threshold because she refuses to enter a house with 13 of anything.

There are, according to one listing we located, multiple staircases, an elevator, 5 fireplaces, 3 dining areas and 7 living areas including a marble floored, hotel lobby sized living room featuring funeral home style curtains. The vast and seriously dated kitchen complex includes maple cabinets, marble floors, stainless steel appliances and black counter tops and accents. Other rooms include a family room with 10 tee-vees and 2 security monitors, a library, a solarium, a home gym, office, billiard room, a barber shop and something called a "Hall of Fame Gallery." There are probably about a dozen other rooms for various uses we can not even fathom and there is a detached guest house in the back for all those who think 10 bedrooms in the mega-sized main house is not enough space when it comes to shacking up the in-laws.

Outdoor and recreational facilities include a multi-level movie theater, an indoor swimming pool and spa with some of the ass ugliest swagged drapery we have ever had the displeasure of witnessing with our own eyes, a two-lane bowling alley, an indoor basketball court, two adjacent outdoor swimming pools including a lagoon style number with a concrete island in the middle, a party sized outdoor spa, a 12-acre lake stocked with fish, equestrian facilities, pasture lands...breathe, breathe, breathe...a sport court, children's playground, sunken trampoline, batting cage, a full sized damn football field (with goal posts), a lighted tennis court and a gargantuan game room modeled after a Dave & Busters which, much to Your Mama's horror, is some sort of restaurant, arcade, sports bar and gambling parlor franchise.

We can't imagine why Mister and Missus Sanders, who have three young children together and two more teenagers from Mister Sanders' previous marriage, would want to up and sell this self-contained estate that while depressing to Your Mama's delicate decorative sensibilities is surely a resort-like wonderland for pre-teens, toddlers and adult men who do not want to grow up.

For a more in depth peep at Deion's digs check this out but Your Mama recommends y'all get yerself a nerve pill and pour some booze down yer gullet first.

Mariah Carey Buys West Coast Crib

BUYER: Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon Carey
LOCATION: Antelo Road, Bel Air, CA
PRICE: around $7,000,000 (allegedly)
SIZE: 11,750 square feet (approx.), 5 bedrooms, 8 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Magnificent gated private view estate on 3 acres. Incredible site. Prime Bel Air address. Staggering 360 degree vus of entire city.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Turns out all the hoopla, head spinning and spilt ink regarding music super star Mariah Carey buying couture queen Suzanne Saperstein's near mythic mansion in the Holmby Hills area of Los Angeles was just that...hoopla. That certainly comes and no surprise to Your Mama who never imagined that the wild and wonderfully kooky Miz Saperstein would ever allow her real estate baby to slip into the hands of a woman likely turn her heavily gilded ballroom into a hair and nail salon and stuff her boo-dwar with a bunch of Hello Kitty crap which is, apparently, one of the whistle stop wonder's preferred decorating motifs.

According to our sources Allez Oup as well as the legendarily knowledgeable Lucy Spillerguts, Your Mama has learned that Miss Carey and her huzband Nick Cannon Carey dumped "around seven million" smackers on a house high in the hills above Bel Air that once belonged to poster princess and original angel Farrah Fawcett, who is, bless her pap hating heart, being ravaged by the cancer even as we type our fingers to the nubbins.

A peep into and a poke around property records reveals that Miz Fawcett sold the Antelo Road residence back in 1999 to a prolific and Grammy winning music engineer/producer named Allen Sides who has used his pin sharp musician's ear while working with music masters like like Eric Clapton, Faith Hill, Mary J. Blige, the incomparable Joni Mitchell, Ray Charles, Ella Fitzgerald, André Previn and that freaky (and deceased) Frank Zappa dude to name just a few. No doubt, the man has crossed musical paths with Miss Mariah a time or two as well.

Thanks to Our Fairy Godmother in Bel Air, we've learned that Mister and Missus Sides listed their dee-voonly secluded 3-acre estate above Stone Canyon in August of 2008 with an asking price of $9,500,000. Before long, the asking price had been sliced, diced, slivered and slashed to $6,995,000 and shortly thereafter the property was removed from the open market but was still, we understand, shopped around off-market. Then along came Miss Mariah who, records show, quietly closed on the property in early April of 2009 for an as yet undisclosed sum of money.

Property records show the sprawling, multi-winged mansion measures 9,951 square feet with 6 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms. However, listing information we managed to get our grubby mitts on shows the house spans 11,750 square feet (approx.) and includes 5 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms. We don't know why the discrepancy.

Anyhoo, listing information shows that in addition to all the bedrooms, terlit rooms and seven fireplaces, the 2-story center hall traditional includes formal living and dining rooms, den, family room, lanai, library/study (as if), media room, office, an eat in kitchen, and while listing information does not say so, we would not be remotely surprised to learn there is a recording studio on the property. This would, obviously, be a wonderful convenience that would allow Miss Mariah to warble and slide up and down every note on the damn scale without ever changing out of her robe, which we'd bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly is one of those shorty numbers that barely covers her nether regions.

The grounds include two motor courts, a huge rectangular swimming pool with a pool side pavilion, a large brick terrace with long views down the rugged canyon towards downtown Los Angeles, several flat lawn areas, a gazebo, and three gated entrances, all of which Your Mama can assure the children will be secured with armed sentries prepared to pepper an automobile with a curtain of bullets should anyone be stoopid enough to try and peer through Miss Mariah's tall hedges. Don't even think about it children. Seriously. If you think Ellen Degeneres is serious about her security, then you ain't seen nothing compared to the pretzeling Miss Mariah's burly men will do to anyone who gets nosy enough to cruise on by hoping to catch a glimpse of Our Lady of the Micro Mini and Hair Extensions.

In New York City, Miss Mariah still owns a tremendous triplex apartment in TriBeCa and down in the Bahamas, she owns a multi-acre ocean front compound on guard gated Eleuthera Island where the soft sands are, natch, Miss Mariah's favorite color, pink.

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom Moving On

SELLER: Gavin Newsom
LOCATION: Green Street, San Francisco, CA
PRICE : $2,995,000
SIZE: 1,693 square feet, 1 bedroom and 1.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This 1-of-a-kind Russian Hill Penthouse is located in a prestigious full service doorman building, Bellaire Tower, an amazing Art Deco style building designed by noted architect BAUMANN, H.C. This residence was completely remodeled & stripped to the studs & designed by Michael Agins & Assoc. Interior Design firm in SF. This spectacular residence offers the best landmark Vus SF has to offer including 3 Bridges & water VUS from all rms. In unit lry, wired for surround sound, strge, pkg & rf dk.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: All morning long we've been receiving email after email after email from real estate obsessed San Franciscans directing Your Mama to a myriad of reports that reveal the fetching and slick haired mayor of San Francisco Gavin Newsom recently plunked his Russian Hill penthouse on the market with an asking price of $2,995,000.

The smooth talking and socially progressive Mister Newsom became a political super star in 2004 when he took the controversial step of allowing marriage licenses to be issued for gay guys and lesbian ladees. We all know what's become of that. Can the children say Proposition 8? However, he of the glittering and perfect chompers recently tossed his hot potato carrying hat into the ring to become the next governor of California. Lefty liberal Mister Newsom sitting up in the governer's chair in Sacramento is a scenario that no doubt scares the beejeezis out of homophobes all up and down the great Golden State who imagine that if homos and lezzies are allowed to get married the institution of marriage would somehow be compromised. Pleeze. That is just stoopid. Married heterosexual people seem to do a fine job of screwing up their marriages without any help from the gays and lesbians. None the less, we are not here to get all frothed up on our soap box so let's just move on to the real estate. (And p.s., homosexual bashing comments will be removed so spare yourself the effort.)

A peep into the records on Property Shark shows the entrepreneurial Mister Newsom snatched up his 1,693 square foot unit in February of 2006 when he paid family friend Peter Getty–brother of Mister Newsom's former bizness benefactor and boozum buddy Billy Getty–$2,350,000 for the 1 bedroom and 1.5 bathroom Green Street aerie.

The Newsom nest is located on the 20th floor of the beautiful Bellaire Tower, an Art Deco extravaganza built in 1930 and has wrap around views that stretch from the gorgeous Golden Gate Bridge, across to Marin County, over downtown and the TransAmerica Pyramid and all the way down to the hard working Bay Bridge.

An ride up the elegant elevator leads to the front door which opens to an entrance hall and an adjacent powder pooper for guests. The apartment pivots around a sizable central living room which has a wood burning fireplace, arched windows that frame the views and a brown and beige day-core done by a nice gay and local decorator named Michael Algin that is part Jonathan Adler and part Rose Tarlow. Okay, truth be told, we don't actually know if he's gay so lay off.

Anyhoo, to the left of the living room is a media room with more brown and white day-core, a dee-voonly cozy looking chocolate brown velvet sofa, and a giant flat screen tee-vee for catching up on all the reality programs Your Mama would bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly are one of Mister Newsom's many guilty pleasures. Behind the media room is a slightly too narrow dining room with Palladian windows, dark chocolate brown walls and a huge abstract painting that is, quite frankly, to much of the same brown and white color as the rest of the room (and apartment). Like in the living room, where an orange color field painting has been hung above the fireplace, it is our humble and meaningless opinion that something more colorful would really help the dining room from looking, well, a little bit dead. Plus we don't like the lack of a chandelier in here. We assume a pendant fixture was nixed in order to keep sight lines of the big views clutter free, but we really like a chandelier in the dining room.

The gore-may kitchen is bathed in Calcutta marble counter tops atop white cabinets, brown paint, and includes an expensive suite of stainless steel appliances including Viking brand range and microwave, SubZero refrigerator/freezer and a Marvel wine cooler and beverage refrigerator. The trio of arched niches for displaying stemware and booze are far too decoratively gimmicky for our personal taste. According to the floor plan, a door leads to the service hallway and a large pantry and laundry room is tucked away off the kitchen.

On the right side of the living room is a beige library/den with both arched and Palladian style windows, another velvet sofa and a collection of books that all appear to have similar bindings which makes them really more about impressing guests than about reading. Beyond the library is the brown and beige bedroom which offers a giant walk in closet with marble counters, custom built-in, drawers, wall mirror and laundry hamper. The bathroom is painted a pewtery sort of beige with grey veined marble on the floor, half way up the walls, on the counter top and in the steam shower where we can imagine Mister Newsom sweats out the toxins from City Hall.

By any estimation, nearly three million clams for a 1 bedroom apartment in San Francisco is a screaming amount of money. However, listings in the very desirable 65-unit Bellaire Tower are exceedingly rare which, of course, tends to keep prices through the roof even in a lackluster economy. The people at Property Shark show that between February of 2006 and June of 2008 not a single apartment transferred ownership and since 2000 and in fact only 10 units have changed hands since July of 2000. Monthly maintenance charges are $1,414.73 and all that moolah pays for the water and garbage services, the 24-hour doorman, building insurance, earthquake insurance, steam heating, storage, care of the common areas including the roof garden and valet parking, because who wants to park their own damn car if they don't have to?

Given that Mister Newsom and his ack-turuss wifey Jennifer Siebel Newsom are with baby, we imagine their next residence will be a bit more family friendly, no less impressive and, we hope, less brown and beige than their soon to be ex-penthouse.

Gwyneth Paltrow Has Rats?

RENTER: Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin
LOCATION: Mandeville Canyon Road, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: We have no idea
SIZE: 5,706 square feet, 8 bedrooms and 8.5 bathrooms total
DESCRIPTION: Classic architect designed Monterey Colonial on 5+ park like acres. A true gentlemen's Country Ranch Estate in town that is gated and completely private. Main house entry w/ curved staircase opens to spacious liv rm, paneled pub/game rm. Galleria opens to patio & gazebo. Din rm w/ butler pantry & Jr. Din rm off gourmet kt w/ break area. Master suite w/ FP down & 4 beds up. Pool, sp, guesthouse, tennis court, 6 stall barn, rm for riding ring, foaling barn/GH, spectacular playground & meadows.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Over the weekend Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter went hiking in Mandeville Canyon with Sister Cooter and her pal H.R. Huffandpuff. As we we screaming down Sunset Boulevard in Sister Cooter's overheated Saab sedan on our way trail head, H.R. asked Your Mama what dish we knew about all the recent reports that wishes she were British Oscar winning actress Gywneth Paltrow was having a problem with rats in her L.A. home.

Well children, we are not embarrassed to tell y'all that we knew nothing. Not. A. Thing. At least not about this rat bizness.

When we arrived home, legs exhausted and a-trembling from exertion, we took to the internets where we read that poor Miss Paltrow recently rang up the pest control people after she discovered her new (leased) Los Angeles residence was swarming with the vermin. Vermin! The article went on to say that the rat-infested residence is a luxury apartment near where her soo-blime mother Blythe Danner shacks up. (As far as we know, and of course we don't know nuthin', Mizz Danner lives in an ocean view condominium in Santa Monica.)

This mention of an apartment sorta didn't make sense to Your Mama because, according to Glinda the Good Witch, a gal with her finger on the pulse of current celebrity real estate doings, Miss Paltrow and her rock star huzband Chris Martin recently leased an impressive and sprawling estate in the Mandeville Canyon area of Brentwood that was on the market earlier this year for a knee knocking $28,500,000 and is most definitely not an apartment.

Property records show the 5.3 acre estate sits on multiple parcels with a main house that measures 5,706 square feet (it seems bigger to Your Mama). Listing information shows that between the Monterey Colonial style main house and the guest house there are a total of 8 bedrooms and 8.5 bathrooms which should be just about enough space for the family and their retinue of of nannies, macrobiotic chefs, yoga instructors, exercise gurus and ass wipers.

According to listing information the main house features four fireplaces and includes a curving staircase in the entrance hall that opens to the living room, a formal dining room and a junior dining room (whatever that is), a gore-may kitchen with yet another dining area, an office, paneled pub/game room, family room, library/study, loft and lanai.

Outdoor amenities on the celebrity style estate include a tremendous terrace where Gwyny and Madge will have plenty of space to contort their bodies during sunrise yoga sessions, a swimming pool and spa surrounded by a big brick terrace, a properly oriented north/south tennis court, parking for a dozen or more automobiles, a 6 stall horse barn, meadows for pony rides, one of those over sized chess games boards on the back lawn, a play ground and a play house for Miss Paltrow and Mister Martin's oddly named offspring.

Now children, we do not know if this is the rat infested property about which has been reported or if the Paltrow/Martin clan were bedding down in a different rat-infested residence prior to moving to their temporary Mandeville Canyon crib where they're planning to stay a few months while Miss Paltrow gets paid big bucks film the action sequel to Iron Man 2.

Miss Paltrow and Mister Martin live primarily in London where they are reported to own two adjacent townhouses in the Belsize Park area (how very Madonna of them). Stateside, the outrageously rich and successful couple own 3,892 square foot penthouse apartment at the River Lofts building in New York City as well as a 6,800 square foot spread on Old Montauk Highway in Amagansett, NY (which is the Hamptons, dahlinks).

Porn Star Haiku: Shannon Kelly

Good Things do come in
Small packages, with red hair,
And enormous boobs.

Dreaming of Leighlani Red

I had a weird dream about Leighlani Red last night.

We were in the middle of a scene. I went in for a kiss. She hesitated. I asked her if anything was wrong.

Then the lights and the cameras disappeared. The crew faded from view. It seemed like the world around us darkened. It was just the two of us sharing an intimate moment on an oft cummed-on couch.

She said in a tender yet professional tone that she would rather not. She just doesn't like kissing the men she films with.

But you've given me the girlfriend treatment before, I said.

Yes, because I like you and I enjoy kissing you but not in this setting. Besides you're a nice guy; I know you'll respect my wishes.

I did. I completely understood.

The rest of the room returned from the Netherworld: the lights, the cameras, the wiring snaking the floor, the derivative Abstract Expressionist painting above the couch, the crew, the directer watching the monitor, the other performers waiting on the wings, the table with the Wet Naps.

We went back to fucking like nothing happened. Minutes later I pulled out and blew a load that went splat against her pretty, pockmarked face, thinking maybe after this is over I'll ask her out.

Weird, huh?

Jeff Lewis Is Back In The Saddle...Sort Of

Ever since the bottom fell out of the house flipping market in Los Angeles–and make no mistake my chickens, the bottom fell out of the house flipping market–obsessive/compulsive reality tee-vee star and serial renovator/flipper Jeff Lewis has flown largely under the radar.

Yes, Miss Lewis did manage to get a good price for a 4 bedroom and 3 bathroom house on N. Edgemont Drive which was listed at $1,395,000 and sold in early January of 2009 for $1,300,000 to a couple of Asian ladees. However, keep in mind that the extremely tightly wound developer paid a million bucks for the property in June of 2008 and probably spent a couple hundred grand in carrying costs, doing up the interiors and putting in a swimming pool. So, by our crude and meaningless estimations, after he paid the fat real estate fees Miss Lewis would have had barely enough left over to keep Zoila and Jenni paid let alone keep his cat in therapy.

Anyhoo, in May of 2008, Miss Lewis and his overly coiffured ex-beau and current bizness partner Ryan Brown listed a house on Valley Oak Drive with an asking price of $3,195,000. They had a devil of a time getting someone to buy the house and eventually, by late July, the asking price had been chop chop chopped down to $2,595,000. Shortly thereafter the house was marked "Looking for Backup" in the MLS and Your Mama breathed a sigh of relief that those high-larious Flipping Out freaks managed to get out of that property by the skin of their well maintained teeth.

But alas...apparently that deal did not go through because Miss Lewis is back riding the real estate rodeo and just yesterday the property appeared back on the open market with an asking price of $2,695,000.

It is our understanding from someone who will remain nameless that Miss Lewis has been shacking up in the house and will need to find a new place to live when someone finally signs on the dotted line for the 3 bedroom and 3.5 bathroom residence.

As a quick recap...records reveal that in addition to the house on N. Edgemont, Misters Lewis and Brown sold a house on Ben Lomond Place in April of 2008 for $1,250,000 (which was first listed at $1,525,000) and in May of 2008 they sold a house on N. Commonwealth Avenue to Lost actor Dominic Monaghan for $1,595,000 after being listed with an asking price of $1,795,000. Prior to that, back in 2007, records show the dysfunctional duo sold a big house on Nottingham Avenue for $4,350,000.

But what we really want to know, is when will Miss Lewis be back on the boob-toob because we love that queen's antics almost as much as we love all those tawdry bee-hawtchas on The Real Life Housewives of New York City, Orange County, Atlanta and now those tough talking beasts in New Jersey.

From Corea to Keener/Mulroney to Moore to...

SELLERS: Estate of LeRoi Moore (at least we're pretty sure that's who it is)
LOCATION: Linwood Drive, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $3,199,000
SIZE: 4,866 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Grand Laughlin Park 1930s estate of exquisite craftsmanship & detail. This unique estate has 4 br 2 ba plus 2 sep gst homes, a prvt courtyard entry to main foyer, voluminous rooms or rich wood floors, walls & ceilings leaded sanctuary style windows, Bo trussed ceilings of gallery proportions & leaded glass French doors leading to spectacular stone loggia. Over 18,000sf lushly landscaped grounds w/ a beautiful pool. Systems have been upgraded including state-of-the-art security control system.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Bear with us babies, because this one is a wee bit confusing.

As we were perusing the listings in the Los Feliz area of Los Angeles recently, our beady little eyes settled on a bit of residential lovliness in the celeb-packed and gated community of Laughlin Park currently listed at $3,199,000. Property records were confusing, so we got on the horn with the always happily helpful Lucy Spillerguts who confirmed that the property was formerly owned by bizzy actor Dermot Mulroney (Georgia Rule, The Family Stone, Must Love Dogs and etc.) who lived here with his ex-wifey, the soo-blime Oscar nominated silver screener Catherine Keener (Hamlet 2, Capote, The 40 Year Old Virgin, Being John Malkovich and etc.).

Property records reveal the former marrieds paid $1,325,000 in April of 1997 when they purchased the dignified Linwood Drive digs from Grammy winning musician and big time Scientologist Chick Corea. Records also show that in October of 2005, before the once happy couple went splitsville, the mini-estate was sold to an entity linked to a charitable organization in North Carolina that belongs to Grammy winning singer/songwriter Dave Matthews. The children will please note Your Mama's consternation and furrowed brow over that unexpected bit of information. However, after a bit more digging around on the interweb, Your Mama feels confident (if not 100% sure) that the house on Linwood Drive is not owned by Mister Matthews but rather by his recently passed saxophonist LeRoi Moore who went to meet his maker in August of 2008 from complications resulting from an freak ATV accident.

Publicity courting love them and leave them musician John Mayer also has some connection to this property according to Miz Spillerguts. But if we're being honest, and we always are, we don't know what his connection might be particularly considering that he owns a modest house in Pacific Palisades and, according to Glinda the Good Witch (and others), is temporarily shacking up in a humongous house in Hidden Hills while he records his next album.

Anyhoo, records shows the house in question was built in the mid-1930s and measures 4,866 square feet with 4 bedrooms and just 2 poopers. Now children, neither Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter nor our imperious house gurl Svetlana are fans of having half a dozen terlits peppered throughout the house. However, we strongly believe that a residence of this size should have at least two point five if not 3.5 bathrooms even though there are, according to listing information, two dee-lishus and detached guest houses on the .42 acre property each, presumably, with their own private pooper.

A brick courtyard at the front of the walled and gated property leads to the entrance which is set into an imposing wall of what appears to be rough hewn and stacked granite slabs. The entrance hall has wood floors, high ceilings and carefully cared for woodwork that include several display niches and a carved staircase.

The long and elegantly proportioned living room focuses on a baronial fireplace and the raised paneling on the walls is wrapped over the peaked and beamed ceiling from which a couple of swoon worthy vintage chandeliers hang. Listing information says the ceiling is "bo trussed" which we think means buttressed, but we're not sure.

A round room with a soaring wood ceiling currently holds an ass-uglee curving leather and wood sofa and what we think is sound recording equipment. We would not stake anything valuable on it, but we think this room may have been originally intended as the dining room. Or maybe it was a den. Or a library. Oh hell, we don't know.

A family room with leaded glass windows lies beyond the living room and the kitchen complex includes a heavenly butler's pantry with wonderfully restored original cabinetry, updated marble counter tops and an almost indestructible stainless steel sink. The kitchen proper has more marble counter tops and an island with a mack-daddy Wolf brand range over which has been hung the largest and most threatening looking pot rack Your Mama has ever seen outside of a commercial kitchen.

A wide brick terrace stretches the length of the rear facade and overlooks the simple, rectangular shaped swimming pool which has been sunk directly into the lawn with a simple stone border. The two above mentioned guesthouses ensure the homeowner will not be subject to the grotesque sounds and odors of fornication and defecation created by over night guests.

According the listing information, the property is currently under offer and we'd bet our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly that the house will be sold to another celebrity...or at least it should be sold to someone high profile since the house has only known famous inhabitants for decades and it seems a shame not to continue in that vein.

We don't have a clue as to where Miz Keener decamped, but according to Miz Spillerguts, Mister Mulroney also owns a house on 6th Street in Santa Monica, so perhaps that's where he's shacking up with his baby momma Tharita Catulle whose name Your Mama dare not say out loud because we do not, unfortunately, speak the I-talian.

The Post-Modern Condition Becomes Easier to Define

Found a word on Urban Dictionary that could have only come into being in the last decade:

PORNXIETY	11 up, 1 down
	The brief but intense bout of anxiety and nausea one experiences when one finds someone remarkably similar looking to one's ex/ current girlfriend and believe it is her for the briefest of seconds while viewing pornography. It is followed by an odd, shameful sense of disappointment. "My ex looked so much like Alyssa Milano that when I first saw Embrace of the Vampire I had a Pornxiety attack."

I wonder how long before it makes it into a paper based, legit dictionary.

Pornxiety isn't a condition I personally suffer from but I am afflicted with a related ailment: Pornstalgia.

Tim Gunn Takes the A Train

BUYER: Tim Gunn
LOCATION: West 90th Street, New York, NY
PRICE: $1,500,000
SIZE: 1,765 square feet (approx.), 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This triple mine 1,765+ sqa ft 2br/2.5 bath condo with a 527 sq ft terrace feels like a private home in the sky yet it is in a full service bldg with a gym on the Upper West Side. This apt is a bright corner duplex with 3 exposures, a separate windowed dining room that has a Sub-Zero wine cooler and a wet bar, a top-of-the-line windowed kitchen with a granite counter that has seating and floor to ceiling windowns in the spacious corner living room and both bedrooms.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Model slash baby factory Heidi Klum may be the hostess of the reality tee-vee program Project Runway, but the show's real star is the prissy, prim and dee-lightfully proper Tim Gunn. Your Mama confesses that we have a sweet spot in our cold and dark heart for Mister Gunn because not only do we love his mincing ways on the boob-toob but also because Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter used to live in the very same New York City building as Mister Gunn and would frequently find him in clogs (yes, children, clogs) and a perfectly pressed white t-shirt placidly gliding up and down the funky aisles of the grungy grocery store located on the ground floor of the building. We found him to be oddly entrancing in that he never looked left or right, just straight ahead, perhaps uncomfortable with his new found fame and just a little bit concerned he might be spotted and outed in an article on Page Six about buying up a couple of Lean Cuisines for dinner.

Anyhoo, according to Miz Keil who now pens the Gimme Shelter column for the NY Post–and confirmed with property records–Mister Gunn has moved out of his West 24th Street rental and to the Upper West Side where he recently forked over $1,500,000 for a doo-plex condo apartment on West 90th Street.

According to listing information the two-floor, 2 bedroom and 2.5 bathroom unit has approximately 1,765 square feet of interior space and a heavenly 527 square feet of outdoor space. The front door opens to a small entrance hall which leads directly into the dining room which is, of course not optimal but also not so terribly unusual in smaller New York City apartments. The dining room includes a wet bar with SubZero fridge so Mister Gunn's dinner guests can get liquored up before, during and after dinner. An adjacent guest terlit does double duty as the laundry room and opens directly into the dining room, a potentially disastrous set up for obvious reasons.

At the opposite end of the apartment from the dining room is a corner living room with gigantic floor to ceiling windows, wood floors and custom built cabintry fitted for the flat screen tee-vee. In between the living and dining rooms sits the unfortunately countrified kitchen with white cabinets, wood floors, sand colored granite counter tops and one of those horrid Fisher & Paykel double drawer dishwashers. Those things might be expensive, trendy and perhaps even energy efficient but it is Your Mama's personal experience with the contraption that they are also unrealiable and too small for washing oversized dishes. In fact, this coming Monday a muscular man named Juan is coming by to swap out the not-functioning Fisher & Paykel dishwashing lemon in our kitchen for another, hopefully more reliable model with just one door. Halle-damn-lujuh!

But we digress...The floor plan for the unit shows one of the bedrooms on the first floor which includes a private pooper and large windows facing both south and east. Upstairs a small landing leads to the master bedroom which includes a windowed bathroom and three closets for Miss Gunn's large collection of slim and conservative suits. A large built in unit in the bedroom can be used for sweater storage, electronics and stashing porn.

When Your Mama lived in New York City we would have gladly given the Dr. Cooter's left leg for a terrace. Mister Gunn, fortunately, will not have to sacrifice a limb for his commodious outdoor space where he can watch the sun rise over the Upper East Side and discreetly sunbathe his slender and girlish body should he choose to do so.

Your Mama begs the children to keep in mind that the current day-core is that of the seller and not that of Mister Gunn. So let's not get all wacky yakking about that obscene wall to wall white carpeting in the upstairs bathroom, the painfully purple walls in the dining room, or any of that crap in the living room because it's all going to be removed and reworked by, we hope, by Mister Gunn's nice gay decorator.

If Your Mama is being honest, and we always are, we are deeply concerned about the overwhelming architectural banality of this apartment and worry that it will take nothing short of a massive overhaul to bring the place up to snuff. So, like Mister Gunn, we're just going to hold our chin between our thumb forefinger, squint our eyes and tell him to, "Make it work," and hope for the best. Your Mama sincerely wishes Mister Gunn a happy new home and many congratulations on his recent television successes and encourage him to let us know if he needs a list of nice gay decorators to help him pull his new crib into shape.

Super Producer Brad Grey Buys New Bel Air Digs

Oooo-wee children, Your Mama bets Mister Nicolas Cage's real estate panties are all in a snit this week. While poor Mister Cage has whacked the asking price of his languishing on the market Copa de Oro Road residence from $35,000,000 to $19,750,000 and still not attracted a serious buyer, the property immediately next door sold off-market for what Your Mama hears was $22,000,000.

We first heard of the 8-figure transaction a week or so ago from the ever-accurate Nelly Knowsitall and then again later from Our Fairy Godmother in Bel Air who both whispered in our big ol' ear that the renovated residence was purchased by diminutive super-producer Brad Grey.

Mister Grey is currently chairman and chief executive of Paramount Pictures and his gilded hands have successfully produced scads of tee-vee programs including The Sopranos, Real Time with Bill Maher, Just Shoot Me, and The Larry Sanders Show. His impressive film credits include Running With Scissors (which was really a much better book than movie), The Departed, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Wedding Singer and The Cable Guy.

Anyhoo, it appears that the dignified white Colonial style crib–or maybe it's Georgian–with black shutters was never on the open market and as best as we can figure was sold by an heir of the recently deceased Franklin Otis Booth Jr. who made some of his billion or two bucks by doing bizness with Oracle of Omaha investor Warren Buffet. Records indicate that a trust controlled by Mister Booth purchased the property in May of 2003 from none other than, surprise!, next door neighbor Nicolas Cage.

Records show the "L" shaped house measures 10,616 square feet and includes four bedrooms and 7 terlits. Since we were unable to locate any listing information that's all the 411 we have on the house and we're just going to have to assume the property records on file with the County of Los Angeles are correct.

In addition to Mister Cage and one of his many real estate white elephants, nearby neighbors include Paris' parents Rick and Kathy Hilton and the sprawling, newly built multi-winged mansion of Benny Alagem who founded Packard Bell Electronics and now owns, among many other things, The Beverly Hills Hilton hotel

Given that Mister and Missus Grey are heading to the court of dee-vorce, it's unclear who will live in the Copa de Oro Road residence and who will live in the family's 13,143 square foot spread on Monaco Drive in the ritzy Riviera area of Pacific Palisades. Records reveal that Mister Grey also own an oceanfront getaway on a particularly posh stretch of sand on Broad Beach Road in Malee-boo where property records reveal nearby neighbors include aged lounge lizards Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gormé and tool tycoon Eric Smidt who in 2005 famously paid a reported $46,000,000 for the The Knoll, the late Marvin Davis' legendary and vast Beverly Hills estate.

A Big Deal in Beverly Park

SELLER: Jeff Bazyler
BUYER: Some really rich Ukis
LOCATION: 40 Beverly Park, Beverly Hills, CA
PRICE: We don't know yet, but last listed at $31,500,000
SIZE: 27,000 square feet (approx.), 10 bedrooms, 14 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Remarkable new mansion never lived in stands 3 stories tall w/ a gorgeous waterfall running down its side. 27,000 sf on approx 2 acres of lush land. Designed by renowned architect Richard Landry. Features an unbelievable library with a glass floor overlooking 2500 bottle wine cellar, grand ballroom & astounding home theater. Full marble spa in basement, wet/dry massage rms, indoor pool & hot tub, fully landscaped yard (w/ permits for tennis court), outdoor pool w/ fountains and covered loggias.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Although big 8-figure deals are increasingly rare even in the rarefied and high-priced Platinum Triangle areas of Los Angeles, they have not stopped happening altogether. We recently received word from Our Fairy Godmother in Beverly Hills that a 27,000 square foot speck-built faux-Chateau at 40 Beverly Park that was last listed at $31,500,000 recently sold. That's right children, sold. S.O.L.D..

It is our understanding from Glinda the Good Witch that the seller and developer is a biznessman named Jeff Bazyler who heaved the over-sized mansard roofed monster manse onto the market in the fall of 2008 wit a mind-numbing asking price of $49,000,000. It wasn't long before the outrageously lavish property underwent several jumbo price chops (for obvious reasons we will not discuss) until it reached its last asking price of a much lower but still staggering $31,500,000.

At some point, the 10 bedroom and 14 bathroom behemoth was put up for lease with a monthly rent of $145,000. Boo-coo bucks by any standards, but nowhere near the rumored and reported two-hundred grand per month the Little Purple One Prince paid to lease another hotel sized house in Beverly Park last year. According to Glinda, a seemingly endless fountain of high-end and celebrity real estate scuttlebutt, there were no takers at that price.

Your Mama briefly described Mister Bazyler's palatial pile this way in a previous discussion in early March 2009 when we hadn't an inkling anyone was actually interested in writing a fat check for the place:

"The three stories of unrestrained opulence include monumental entertainment spaces including an honest to God ballroom, a poshly paneled circular library with a glass floor that looks down into a 2,500 bottle brick-lined wine cellar, a huge home theater, a marble spa in the basement that includes wet and dry massage rooms, a gigantic gym with mirrored walls, a hot tub and an indoor pool for all those chilly southern California winters. The grounds include a swimming pool, deep loggias for lazy afternoons lounging in the shade and the necessary permits for a tennis court. The necessary permits? Thirty one million bucks and you get permits for a tennis court? Pleeze. For that amount of money we don't only want a tennis court, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter want a deeded to the property and scantily clad tennis pro available at day and night at a moment's notice."

Anyhoo, just when everyone, meaning Your Mama, thought none of those steroidal houses up in Beverly Park was ever going to sell, it happened. The moment we got wind of the sale, we got on the horn to see if we could sort out the identity of the deep-pocketed buyer. After several stabs in the dark and a couple of dead end roads, we heard from the all-knowing Nelly Knowsitall who whispered in Your Mama's big ear that the new owner–whose name she did not offer–are the same really rich Ukrainians–or Ukis as my not so rich Ukrainian pals call themselves–who recently flipped a mansion on Marilyn Drive in Beverly Hills on the market with an asking price of $24,000,000 after purchasing the place in November of 2007 for what records reveal was $17,500,000.

UPDATE LATER SAME DAY: Almost as quickly as we posted our discussion above we heard from Lucy Spillerguts who swears on her lacquered nails and fake boobs that the buyer is a ladee named Oksana Borzina, who may or may not be a front for some other shadowy figure who prefers not to be identified. Miz Borzina appears to be some sort of real estate investor/flipper who also owns two adjacent properties just above the Sunset Strip that records show were purchased for a total of $8,225,000 in 2006 and 2007 and flipped back on to the market in June of 2008 as a single property with a gutsy asking price of $14,600,000. The listing languished on the market for nearly a year and was price chopped to $10,900,000 before the two parcels were uncoupled and recently re-listed as two separate properties. The larger contemporary crib on Sunset Hills Road has an asking price of $8,500,000 while the much more modest property on Cory Avenue has an asking price of $1,995,000.