Bill and Giuliana Rancic Buy Big House in Hinsdale, and etc.

MonetizeBUYERS: Bill Rancic and Giuliana (DePandi) Rancic
LOCATION: Hinsdale, IL
PRICE: $1,560,000
SIZE: 12,000 (ish) square feet, 7 bedrooms, 9.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: The past few years have been a bit of a real estate whirlwind for celebrity news gossip Giuliana (Depandi) Rancic and her entrepreneurial man-mate Bill Rancic. Since getting married in 2007 the budding young couple have bought and sold a number of properties in both Los Angeles, CA and Chicago, IL including a recently acquired a mansion in a the upscale Chicago suburb of Hinsdale.

Mister Rancic, who once auditioned for that sicko show The Bachelor on which a dozen or so tarted up woman grovel embarrassingly for the affections of a single man, rocketed to fame in 2004 as the winner of the first season of Donald Trump's The Apprentice program. Prior to becoming one of Mister Trump's minions he made boo-coo bucks with an online endeavor called Cigars Around the World. Nowadays Mister Rancic earns an impressive living as a motivational speaker, reality television denizen, real estate developer and the host of a program we've never heard of on the A&E channel called We Mean Business.

Like her huzband, Missus Rancic also takes a multi-pronged approach to her career. Not only does she work her skinny stuff as the hostess with the mostess on E! News with Mister Vanilla Bean himself, Ryan Seacrest, she regularly fawns over the sartorial and tonsorial choices of famous folks at various red carpet events, sometimes co-hosting with that deeply troubling lavender haired Jay Manuel character from America's Next Top Model who regrettably wears more damn make-up than the late, great Tammy Faye Baker. Missus Rancic also appears on a program called the Fashion Police, an after the red carpet show show on which fashion, ahem, icons like Joan Rivers and Khloe Kardashian critique red carpet walkers. Thankfully, the people at Fashion Police have finally and recently installed some actual fashionistas like Kelly Osbourne and kinky haired celebrity stylist George Kotsiopoulos on the panel because, come on, Khloe Kardashian? Pleeze. Hasn't the world had enough of these Kardashians yet? Lord knows Your Mama has.

Anyhoo, in the mid 2000s he wrote–with the help of actual writers–a number of self-help style books about how to succeed in bizness and life and in 2007 she wrote a dating advice book for lonely women called Think Like a Guy: How to Get a Guy by Thinking Like One. Together, after they got hitched, they penned I Do, Now What?, a relationship advice book.

The apparently quite happy couple, who never, ever, EVER seem turn down an opportunity to have a tee-vee camera pointed at them, were married in 2007 in a fairy tale type ceremony in Italy that was watched on The Style Network by upwards of five million people. She settled in Los Angeles where she works most of the time and he in Chicago where his budding bizness empire is based.

In 2009 the couple swung open the doors of their private life for the world to watch on the reality program Giuliana & Bill. Since Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter prefer our reality television programs be of the tawdry and trashy variety, we've never actually laid eyes or ears on the couple's eponymous reality show. From our brief bit of research on the interweb we understand that much of the program revolves around the bumps and bounces of the very busy newlyweds who maintain an inter-state marriage.

The paper thin Missus Rancic has been wanting to get a baby up in her the last few years, a sad saga that has, we understand, played itself out on the couple's reality program. Her doctors suggested she try to put some meat on her bones in order to increase her chances of getting preggers. She gained a few pounds that no one but her could see and went through the expensive in vitro fertilization process since the normal way, while fun, just didn't produce the desired result. She did get to be with child, but in September of 2010 Missus Rancic had a miscarriage, an horrific and intensely personal event filmed for their reality program.

A few weeks ago on an episode of their reality program, the couple was seen hunting for a house in upscale Hinsdale, IL, due west of downtown Chicago. Ever since then Your Mama has received an unusual number of queries from the children who want to know which house shown on the show Mister and Missus Rancic purchased. A few minutes digging around the interweb one day didn't produce any real estate gold so we set the matter aside and promptly forgot about it until we until we received a covert communique last week from Suhneeta Snitcharoo who relayed all the 411 about Mister and Missus Rancic's new nest, which property records reveal they actually purchased in May of 2010.

Property records and listing information show that Mister and Missus Rancic paid $1,560,000 for a not yet completed mansion that's a short hop from downtown Hinsdale, measures a monstrous 12,000(ish) square feet and includes a total of 7 bedrooms and 9.5 poopers. That's a lot of house and too many damn terlits for a child-free couple but iffin Your Mama had to guess we'd guess they'll soon jump back on the in vitro horse and ride again. Or maybe they'll adopt, who knows? By whatever method, the Rancics clearly plan to make or acquire babies. Now they have plenty of room to raise all the babies they've not yet had.

Listing information for the property that Your Mama teased out of the internets shows that all the cabinets, floors, plumbing, heating, windows, and doors–much of which had yet to be installed at the time of the purchase–were included in the purchase price of the hulking house that stands three stories tall. Listing information indicates the house has scads of stone and brick detailing, numerous stone columns, a double staircase to the upper level (plus an elevator for when they feel lazy), a wine cellar and media room. Your Mama presumes the completion and customization of Mister and Missus Rancic's somewhat recently purchased residence will feature prominently on future episodes of the couple's reality tee-vee program.

Now then, let's move on to the peripatetic pair's other recent real estate doings, shall we?

In July of 2007 Mister Rancic shelled out $1,500,000 for a single family townhouse on Chicago's Gold Coast. The 1908 residence was given a Rancic Re-do and flipped back on the market and sold in March of 2009 for $3,595,000. Listing information shows the 5,460 square foot townhouse has 3 bedrooms 3.5 poopers, a complete movie theater, exterior security cameras, radiant heated floors, a heated 1.5 car garage, and 10 flat screen televisions. Ten! We think 10 tee-vees is probably to be expected from a tee-vee couple but Your Mama would go out of our damn mind knowing there were 10 tee-vees in the house. We love the damn squawk box as much as the next person but we just can't understand the need of some people to have at least one in every room. It's unclear–or, rather, Your Mama has no idea–if Mister and Missus Rancic ever actually occupied the townhouse property.

In May of 2009, Missus Rancic took in $725,000 when she sold her Thom Filicia decorated bachelorette pad on the 20th floor of a Wilshire Boulevard high-rise in Los Angeles. Property records show Missus Rancic picked the place up in January of 2003–when she was still Miss DePandi–for $465,000. Missus Rancic first listed the 1 bedroom and 2 pooper pad in March of 2008 for $899,000 but by March of 2009 when Your Mama diss and discussed the condo it was listed at $749,000. Since Missus Rancic slings gossip and critiques clothes primarily in Tinseltown, we assume that she and the mister have purchased another Lala Land pied a terre but, honestly bunnies, Your Mama don't know nuthin' about that.

In June of 2009, Mister and Missus Rancic parted with $1,185,000 when they bought a foreclosed condo on high floor of a high-rise on Michigan Avenue's Miracle Mile. The 2 bedroom and 2.5 pooper aerie was given the Rancic Re-do and has been on the market since April of 2010 when it first appeared with an asking price of $1,650,000. The price has since dipped and dropped to it's current price tag of $1,499,000.
The 50th floor spread, seen frequently on the couple's reality program, has lovely matte finish ebony hardwood floors, acres of gleaming white walls, phenomenal views, an open plan main living area, and a sleek kitchen with dark flat fronted cabinets, marble counter tops and, strangely, a bright school bus yellow stove that glares out at you, smiles and hisses "What are you looking at, asshole?"

The poopers, wrapped in travertine and frosted glass, were all worked over in the renovation and the walk in closet in the master bedroom is a custom crafted corridor lined with cabinets and drawers that hide every belt, slipper and slip dress. Iffin Your Mama were the betting type we'd ante up our britches that the outside wings of the tri-panel mirror at the end of the closet corridor fold in like in a fain-cee department store dressing room and enable Missus Rancic to see all sides of herself when she's trying to decide what to wear. That's not an easy thing to do for Missus Rancic, choosing and outfit, because let's be honest, celery sticks, if beehawtcha's gonna be on the boob-toob smartin' off about the unfortunate fashion choices of other people in the public eye then she better be turning in out every damn time. There's no such thing as going to the 7-11 in a ratty-tatty pair of sweatpants and a tube top for Missus Rancic, you know?

As for the day-core? Meh. There's nothing really wrong with it; It's all very non-threatening, contemporary and camera friendly. There's little Your Mama sees besides the cockamamie and ill-chosen artworks that will challenge or should offend any delicate decorative palettes. It looks to Your Mama like every stick of furniture here came from the same showroom or shop. That's a convenient way to go if your bizzy–and these two are bizzy little beavers–but it also leaves the place with precious little real personality, like a tee-vee set or an expensive but generic suite in a huge chain hotel that's trying to masquerade as a chic boo-teek hotel. You know what we're saying?

Your Mama imagines that if Mister and Missus Rancic have not yet completed their Rancic Re-do and moved into their new mansion in Hinsdale, they'll soon be doing so, setting out pumpkins, hanging a sheet ghost in the tree, laying some dried wheat across the mantle or whatever it is wealthy suburban people do to decorate their mansions for Halloween. Even though Your Mama can't fathom why anyone might want to bring a child into this world–we are at our core a socio-political cynic–we genuinely hope that Mister and Missus Rancic soon get what they want, a slew of baby Rancics running around and filling up some of the seven lonely bedrooms of their humongous house.

listing photos (Hinsdale): Coldwell Banker
listing photos (Chicago): Baird & Warner

Jesse James Slashes Asking Price by 26%

SELLER: Jesse James
LOCATION: Sunset Beach, CA
PRICE: $4,995,000
SIZE: 3,626 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.25 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Cheating huzbands are quickly developing into a theme this week. Yesterday we discussed the real estate rumors about serial adulterer Tiger Woods' estranged and soon to be dee-vorced wife Elin Nordegren hunting for a house in Boca Raton, FL and today Your Mama has some real estate low down on actress Sandra Bullock's chopper customizing and philandering ex-huzband Jesse James.

In late May of 2010, amid all the brouhaha and ballyhoo surrounding the couple's dirty laundry and impending dee-vorce, it was widely reported that Mister James heaved the ocean front residence in Sunset Beach, CA where he and his Oscar winning ex-wife once lived together on the market with a rather optimistic asking price of $6,750,000.

Shortly after the 4th of July, according to information provided to Your Mama by Buhteenuh Beachdweller, Mister James and his real estate people wisely opted to chop the price tag for Mister James' beach house all the way down to a still pricey but far less shocking $4,995,000. A few flicks of the well worn beads on Your Mama's bejeweled abacus reveals that the $1,755,000 markdown represents a gigantic 26% reduction from the original price.

Property records show that Mister James bought his beach house, a two story quasi-Mediterranean villa with 3,626 square feet, in September of 2003 when he was still married to his second wife, award winning porno hacktress, tax evader, and huzband beater Janine Lindemulder. Records also show Mister James' crib has 2 bedrooms and 2.5 poopers while online listing information shows there are 4 bedrooms, each with a private pooper plus a powder pooper for guests.

Like in most California beach communities, Mister James' house sits right up on the street and so close to the neighboring house that even a toothpick thin catwalker would have a tough time squeezing in between. On the street side, a gated and lushly landscaped courtyard with a gurgling fountain and curving stone pathway serves as a serene buffer between the street and the stone floored entrance hall that steps up to the open plan living/dining/kitchen area.

The Canterra stone tile used for the entry pathway and floor in the foyer continue up four steps and into the main living space comprised living, eating and cooking areas. The living room is focussed on a massive fireplace with carved stone surround and flanked by built in cabinetry, the dining area looks out towards the beach, and the gore-may kitchen has slab granite counter tops, custom raised panel maple cabinetry, a curving crescent shaped breakfast counter, walk-in pantry, and a full complement of Viking brand stainless steel appliances including a wine fridge and under counter ice making machine.

The main living space opens into an ocean side glass-enclosed lanai worked over with mood lighting and overly dramatic auto-lighting tiki torches according to listing information. Most of the lanai is taken up by the swimming pool and faux stone grotto where, Your Mama assumes, the spa is located. A steep stairway "carved" into the faux stone allows the bold and the brave to clamor up to the top of the grotto at their own risk and hurtle themselves down the short, curving slide, past the waterfall and into the swimming pool.

The children will note that listing photos show a duck paddling in the pool, an unsanitary situation given that ducks are completely non-discriminating about where they do their dirty bizness. But perhaps more disturbing and distressing that swimming with duck excrement is that the neighboring house has a vast window that looks directly down into the lanai that completely compromises whatever sense of privacy is created or felt by the glass-enclosed lanai. There can be no daytime skinny dipping in this pool unless the nekkid don't care to have their naughty bits seen by the neighbor.

Beyond the lanai, a multi-level deck tucked into the dune has built in seating with thick upholstered cushion and provides a scenic and somewhat private perch for ocean viewing and sunset watching. From the deck a sandy path leads through the ice-plant and beach scrub to the extraordinarily wide beach and pounding surf. The near absence of street and/or public parking in Sunset Beach ensure that the broad beach isn't overly burdened by out of town beach goers who all too frequently wear bathing costumes that do anything and everything but flatter their over and under fed bodies.

Back inside, a curving stone stairway with an intricately scrolled iron banister leads to the upstairs master bedroom that has a boxed beam ceiling, hardwood flooring, fireplace, ocean views through large window that slides open to a Juliet balcony, walk-in closet, and a Travertine clad master pooper complete with double sinks, steam shower, and Jacuzzi tub. The master bedroom day-core, we regret to inform, is a not particularly pleasing melange of carved wood chairs that look like they might be from Indonesia or Bali or someplace like that, a couple of woven wicker stools unnecessarily placed at the foot of the bed, and a couple of glitzy and glammy mirrored chests on either side of the bed. Mister James' big bed is dressed with white linens and topped with two large leopard print decorative pillows and two smaller black velvet pillows embroidered with a skull and crossbones that offer an ironic and most assuredly unintended message that the once happy marriage between he and America's Sweetheart is d.e.a.d.

Although there is also a guest bedroom with full pooper and walk-in closet on the second floor, listing information for the property indicates the other two bedrooms have been converted for other uses besides slumber and fornication. There is, according to listing information, an ocean view office/bedroom and a large media/game room that has a coffered ceiling with wedding cake moldings, hardwood floors, built in cabinetry and shelves, wet bar, and a couple of down-filled white slip-covered sofas for laying around and watching the wall-mounted flat screen boob-toob.

Other amenities, according to listing information, include an over-sized three car garage with custom fitted "tool crib," whatever that is, professional quality audio and video systems, and a state of the art surveillance system, natch, with multiple security cameras that ensure any moe-ron who gets the damn fool notion to go poking around the property will be filmed for posterity and arrested for trespassing.

As it turns out, another Sunset Beach, CA property owned by Mister James is also on the market and also recently received the bizness with the price chop tomahawk. Property records show Mister James bought a townhouse with rather unattractively accented on the exterior with river rock in November of 2002 for $777,000 and currently has it listed at $1,195,000 after first popping up on the market at $1,290,000. It's unclear to Your Mama if Mister James leased this house or if it is or was occupied by one of his former wives.


Listing information shows the townhouse measures 2,634 square feet, stands three stories tall, and includes 3 bedrooms, 3.5 poopers, 2 river rock fireplaces–one in the living room the other in the master bedroom–and an attached 2-car garage. Other features, according to listing information include a spiral staircase, hardwood floors, double height ceilings, granite counter tops in the kitchen and on the wet bar, an elevator, a small balcony off the living room, and a roof deck with peek-a-boo bay and ocean views.

It's been widely rumored and reported that Mister James is relocating to Austin, TX where he owns a chopper shop and which just happens to be one of the many places his unsullied by the scandal ex-wife Sandy has a home. We realize that Mister James neither asked for our opinion nor sought our sage counsel on the matter, but Your Mama just cain't keep our big- flap trap shut so we're gonna give the philandering fool some free words of wisdom anyway: Listen up J.J., you done blowed it up with Sandy by getting with that tattooed adulteress and as a result there ain't nuthin' but memories of better days to pick through now. Clearly your ex-wife has done moved on with her life, adopted a damn baby without you, and left you standing there in the dust of one of your tricked out chopper things. We suspect you'd have better luck calling up that home wrecker Bombshell McGee and begging her to take you in than you would to ask for mercy from your ex-wife who has shown nothing but great dignity and resolve throughout this sex mess you made. Okaaay?

Miz Bullock, who regularly rakes in well upwards of $15,000,000 per movie, also owns posh properties in Los Angeles, Tybee Island (GA), New Orleans, and New York City.

photos: Pacific Coast News (top photo only), Surfside Colony Real Estate (listing photos)

Nick Lachey Lists Brown and Beige Bel Air Bachelor Pad

SELLER: Nick Lachey
LOCATION: Los Angeles (Bel Air), CA
PRICE: $6,800,000
SIZE: 5,214 square feet, 4 bedrooms, 4.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Exactly one month ago today, word secretly slipped down the celebrity real estate grapevine and into Your Mama's inbox that former boy bander turned reality tee-vee star turned reality tee-vee presenter/producer Nick Lachey might be fixin' to list his Los Angeles, CA house located high in the hills above Bel Air.

Sho enuf cockadoodles, he has, and with a celebrity style asking price of $6,800,000.

Mister Lachey, once a member of the popular, successful, and depressingly cheesy boy bad 98 Degrees hasn't had much professional success since busting out of boy-bandhood and getting a dee-vorce in 2006 from the also down on her professional luck singer Jessica Simpson. The beefy balladeer has released a couple of albums to little acclaim but he seems to be far better known for his brief flings with a bevy of high maintenance beehawtchas including Dancing with the Stars' Cheryl Burke and big booty pin up gurl/amateur porn star Kim Kardashian. Eventually Mister Lachey settled into a volatile on again/off again relationship with Vanessa Mannillo, a former beauty queen who currently hosts the downright distressing True Beauty reality program. Over the years, Mister Lachey and Miss Minnillo busted up more times than Your Mama has fingers and toes and they may or may not currently be couple. We don't know and, frankly, we don't care.

Property records show that in February of 2006, just before his highly publicized dee-vorce from Jessica Simpson was finalized, Mister Lachey laid out an even-steven $5,000,000 for a sexy bachelor pad on at the tail of a gated, private, and dead end drive in Bel Air. He purchased the property from brar and panty model/media mogul/baby factory Heidi Klum and her soul singing man-mate Seal Henry Olusegun Olumide Adeola Samuel. The salt and pepper pair subsequently moved to very privately situated and gated estate with a 6 bedroom and 9 pooper Mediterranean style mansion.

Listing information indicates Mister Lachey's ridge top residence measures 5,214 square feet and includes 4 bedroom and 4.5 poopers. According to listing information, the interior spaces–all white walls, soaring expanses of floor to ceiling glass, and dark stained hardwood floors finished with an almost mirror like gloss–were recently remodeled and then all done up and did over by some sort of decorator with a confounding aversion to color that borders on obsession in every shade of beige, tan, brown, khaki and mushroom known to mankind.

A generously wide entrance gallery leads to the sunken formal living room that features a wall of floor to ceiling corner windows that give out to a gorgeous view, fireplace, white sectional sofa that wraps around an animal skin rug, a number of house plants, some artwork that barely qualifies as art as far as Your Mama is concerned, and one of those ubiquitous Buddha statues that can be found in far too many celebrity homes. What is it with famous folks and their damn Buddha statues? Buddha statues and Buddha imagery seem to be more common in celebrity owned homes–particularly in Los Angeles–than those god-awful paintings of pears and other assorted fruit frequently spotted in the homes of stars. We just don't get it. Then again, Your Mama is not a Buddhist nor do we go for that body contorting yoga crap so popular with celebrities so having a Buddha in our house makes about as much sense as asking that box of hair Jessica Simpson to figure out whether tuna is fish or chicken.

There are several more pieces of "art" in the formal dining room that look like the sort of thing one buys at IKEA. The contemporary is well equipped if a bit dull and has black marble tile flooring, dark, dark, dark flat fronted cabinetry, white–or maybe it's egg shell colored–counter tops that may or may not be Caesar Stone, and the usual compliment of high grade stainless steel appliances. There are both family and media rooms, both not surprisingly filled with velvety beige and brown things and built-in cabinetry designed to hold the over-sized boob-toobs. Mister Lachey, a well-known sports freak who owns a portion of a minor league professional baseball team in Tacoma, WA, displays some of his sports memorabilia collection on the wall behind the built-in wet bar in the family room and keeps a high tech drum set and some sort of video game machine in the media room. Why does it depress Your Mama so much to find a Pac-man machine–or whatever the hell that is–in the home of a fully grown, child-free man?

Anyhoo, as should be expected, the color-free decorative motif continues into the master bedroom where we find plush chocolate brown carpeting on the floor, putty colored grass cloth on the walls, and a whole mess of rust colored candles on the dresser, which no doubt are for when Mister Lachey wants to set a romantic mood for whatever ladee he's currently wooing. A flat screen tee-vee is set into the wall near the ceiling, a location that would surely give Your Mama a crick in the neck were we to lay on the bet and try to watch that thing for longer than 42 seconds.

There are several patios and terraces that surround the house, off of which offer long views over the city, the canyons and towards the Pacific Ocean in the not too far off distance. The swimming pool, spa and main outdoor entertainment area is located in what is, for all intents and purposes, the front yard. The "L" shaped swimming pool has a raised spa on one side, a couple of freestanding covered bed nooks on another, chaise lounges on the third and a massive sunken bar tucked into the crook of the "L." The sunken situation allows for swimmer to sidle up to the bar and snatch up a cocktail without ever leaving the swimming pool.

Your Mama hasn't any idea why Mister Lachey might want to unload his beige and brown bachelor pad but we do think that iffin there are any celebs out there in the market for a six and some million dollar contemporary residence that offers wonderful seclusion and a perfect kind of privacy, we suggest they get up there quick to check this place out.

In addition to his hilltop bachelor pad in Los Angeles, Mister Lachey is said to maintain an apartment at the Atelier building in Midtown Manhattan–rumored to have been "lent" to Mister Lachey in exchange for publicity–and we've read on a couple of occasions that he also owns home in Tacoma, WA but we don't know nuthin' about that and a cursory peep and poke around the property records turned up nada. Property records also show Mister Lachey co-owns a 4,374 square foot home in Cincinnati, OH with his father.

Mish Mash Monday

Let's begin the week with a few mish mash items cluttering up our desk top and taking up too much space in Your Mama's pea brain, shall we?

It's baaaa-uuuck. Oh, low-urhd, heaven help us all, it's bubbled back up to torture all us real estate watchers. That's right chickens, televisions freakiest and funniest house flipper Jeff Lewis is back at the real estate rodeo and has once again listed his white elephant in Los Angeles, CA with an asking price of $2,495,000.

Eagle eyed children and those who haven't completely wrecked their minds on the booze and dope may recall that the prickly and persnickety Miss Lewis last had his meticulously maintained residence in the Los Feliz area on the market in September of 2009 with an asking price of $2,295,000. It doesn't take any flip, flip, flipping of the well worn beads of our bejeweled abacus to see that's two hundred thousand clams less than its current price tag. Someone must be of the mindset that the market is on an upswing...

Let's quickly recap, shall we? Property records reveal that the large lipped and fastidious Mister Lewis snapped up the 3,024 square foot fixer upper in March of 2007 for $1,710,000. The hillside house, a 1960s post and beam number located at the tail end of a gated and quiet cul-de-sac in the star studded Oaks neighborhood, was given a full face lift and a new set of choppers. The arduous renovation was featured on Mister Lewis' boo-toob reality program Flipping Out. In April of 2008, the newly rehabbed 4 bedroom and 4 pooper property was flipped back on the market with a bloated and entirely unrealistic price tag of $3,195,000. By August of 2008, the asking price had been sliced and diced down to $2,595,000. By this point, at least one deal had failed to come to fruition. From August of 2008 to April of 2009 the pristine property was listed and delisted at least three times and from May to September of 2009 there were no fewer than 4 price chops before it was removed from the market.

Mister Lewis is, apparently, ready to pack his bags and load his sassy house woman Zoila up into his Mercedes SUV and head off to greener, or at least newer, real estate pastures. Your Mama expects that the all the dormant house flippers in Los Angeles will be eagerly and anxiously awaiting Mister Lewis' success or failure with regards to unloading his house.

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West coast based Funnyman Will Ferrell finally closed on his Manhattan loft-condo, paying $4,200,000 for a 2,699 square foot crib with 2-3 bedrooms and 2 poopers on West 13th Street in the far West Village. The property was never on the open market according to the folks at Curbed, but public records show the seller, hedge hog Joseph Lanasa the third, paid $4,400,000 for the condo in 2006.

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In other New York City celebrity real estate news, former first lady and (alleged) closet cigarette smoker Laura Bush and her Yale educated daughter Barbara were spotting house hunting in the West Village where the younger Miss Bush currently occupies a rental apartment. According to the Curbed kids, Miss and Missus Bush were eyeballed at 2 Jane Street where the only apartment currently on the open market is a 6th floor walk-up with 700 square feet, 1 bedroom, 1 pooper, a sprawling 1,500 square foot roof terrace, and an asking price of $975,000.

While it's not strange that young Miss Bush might be ready to settle down into a pre-marriage nest, Your Mama does find it odd and even a wee bit suspicious that a pampered princess like Miss Bush–or rather Mommy and Daddy Bush–would consider coughing up nearly a million dollars for digs that require schlepping 6 flights of stairs every damn day but, than again, what do we know about anything?

According to two of Your Mama's informants, Miss Bush currently resides in a 1 bedroom apartment at the back of a very lovely townhouse just off lower Fifth Avenue in a building recently sold by Luke Janklow, the tall and sexy literary agent who brokered a million dollar book deal for Anderson Cooper and who also recently sold the West Village townhouse he owed and occupied with his former wife Julie.

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We will probably be smote down dead by the angry hands of the celebrity real estate gods for discussing this matter and believe Your Mama when we tell the children that we are deeply troubled that we can't keep ourselves away from this bit of "celebrity" real estate bizness, but here we go anyway. Brace yourselves buckaroos because Your Mama is all kinds of bent out of shape about this and we're feeling particularly sharp tongued.

Reality tee-vee "star" and plastic surgery addict Heidi Montag wants the world to know that she and her huzband–the ludicrously and stoopidly volatile buffoon Spencer Pratt–are getting a dee-vorce and that she's done moved herself and her many plastic body parts out of their unkempt crib in Pacific Palisades and into a fancy, new house in Malee-boo.

According to all the too many reports on the matter, Miss Montag and her quadruple double D's have leased a 5 bedroom and 6 pooper contemporary on the land side of the Pacific Coast Highway near Point Dume. Listing information for Heidi's new house shows the recently renovated residence sits on 1.17 landscaped acres, measures 6,636 square feet and, among other luxuries, includes a master suite with vaulted ceilings, double-sided fireplace, dangerous looking sunken soaking tub, a television in the shower–which is stoopid–two walk-in closets, a wet bar and a wall of windows that open to the back yard where a long lap pool runs alongside the hous and overlooks the lovely and lush grounds..

Property records show Heidi's new (rented) house was purchased by it's current, non-celebrity owner(s) in May of 2009 for $4,750,000. The house was flipped back on the market less than six months later and, as best as Your Mama can surmise, was last offered for sale at $5,500,000 and for lease with an asking price of $19,000 per month. It bedevils, betwixts and baffles Your Mama that a seemingly talent-free gal like Miss Montag can parlay her faux fame into a fortune that allows her the financial wherewithal to alter her body and face beyond recognition and to have enough cheddar left over to live up in a multi-million dollar dwelling in Malee-boo. Life ain't fair is it poodles? Listen, Your Mama don't begrudge a person their fame or wealth. We just prefer they to actually do something besides pout, whine and have plastic surgery to get it. But we digress to the point of needing a damn nerve pill.

According to some reports, Miss Montag and her behemoth bazooms plan to live and film a reality program in the house with a couple of other vacuous windbags who, like their friend Heidi, probably don't have much more to offer than large breasts and an embarrassing ambition to be famous. Word to the wise dollies, fame is fleeting and Your Mama recommends you squirrel a few pennies away each month because 5 years from now it's quite possible you'll be living up in some tawdry apartment complex in Pacoima–or maybe Van Nuys, if you're lucky–desperately trying to sell semi-nude photos of yourself over the interweb. Uucchh. Gawd. Pleeze. As far as Your Mama is concerned–and we're utterly ashamed to be concerned at all–the Montag/Pratt dee-vorce drama is just an ugly and (barely disguised) ploy to procure free publicity to promote her new reality tee-vee program, because, you know, that's how Heidi and Spencer roll. Anything for fame. Eh-nee-thing. Your Mama may have stooped so damn low as to write about the real estate "news" of these two, but we can assure the children, there isn't a torture invented that could get us to sit through even 2 minutes of whatever insipid reality program that will come slithering out of this house in Malee-boo.