A Country Place for Reese Witherspoon

BUYER: Reese Witherspoon
LOCATION: Del Norte Road, Ojai, CA
PRICE: $6,950,000 (list)
SIZE: 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: A one of a kind Wallace Neff architectural masterpiece. Amazing equestrian compound. Perfect 6+ acre hideaway nestled in fabulous Ojai Valley, a short drive to one of LA's most sought after vacation spots. Beautifully re-designed by Kathryn Ireland. Fabulous new master suite. Incredible privacy. Fantastic opportunity.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Oscar winning actress, major Hollywood power player, and dignified southern woman Reese Witherspoon prefers to do things on the down low. You certainly aren't going to see this ladee out at some velvet rope Hollywood hot spot flashing her baby maker as she gets out of her car, nor will she be ringing up the paps to come snap a few pictures of her as she crosses the parking lot at the Brentwood Country Mart to buy some lip gloss at Marie Mason Apothocary. Some initially called it a faux-mance, but even her year long relationship with Oscar nominated actor and well known privacy nut Jake Gyllenhaal has been conducted largely outside the blinding glare of flash bulbs and gossip glossies.

So it should come as no surprise to any of the children that just a few weeks ago, the recently dee-vorced mommy of two very quietly purchased an historic 6+ acre ranch in Ojai, a picture perfect slice of California gorgeousness just 1.5 hours outside of LaLa Land and just north of Ventura, a tawdry little town in which Your Mama happens to have spent a lot of time in our youth.

Just between us chickens and as a meandering aside, we have many fond and funny memories of our favorite foul mouthed Aunty Jennie, piling Your Mama, Sister Woman and cuzzins Lois and Toddaroohoo into her powder blue 1970 something Ford Galaxy–an automobile we all lovingly called The Blue Vomit–and heading down to the Golf and Stuff in Ventura that sits right up next to the Highway 101. As we pulled up to the front we'd each be handed five clams to last us until Aunty Jennie and Your Mama's Mama finished their mai tais down the road at The Elephant Bar. Your Mama can not tell you how many times we finagled free rides on the mini car speedway by acting penniless and pathetic. Good times. Good times.

Anyhoo, property records sort of reveal and our wickedly well informed pal Lucy Spillerguts confirms, that Miz Witherspoon purchased what is commonly called The Libbey Ranch in the Arbolada area just north and west of bustling downtown Ojai. Before Your Mama begins to bore the children with how green with envy we are over this place, let's have a bit of the history. The Spanish Colonial casa was originally designed in 1923 for glass tycoon Edmund Drummond Libbey by noted California architect Wallace Neff with later French Country style additions and out buildings by Austen Pierpont. The house has had a number of owners since 1923 including actor/director Harold Ramis and was most recently owned and fully restored by interior designer and textile goddess Kathryn M. Ireland. Before she sold the ranch to Miz Witherspoon, Miz Ireland (who is not the moe-dell Kathy Ireland by the way) allowed House Beautiful to snap some pretty pictures of all the rooms looking dee-voon, drowning in pillows and draped with a pleasing cacophony of brightly colored fabrics.

Property records show Miz Witherspoon closed on the property only a few weeks ago, but as of this morning Your Mama is unable to confirm just how much of her Legally Blond boodle she had to cough up to buy the place. Listing information shows the property carried a $6,950,000 asking price and a recent article in US magazine refers to her "new $5.8 million ranch in Ventura County." And guess what kids? They were right. According to Jim Nasium, a man who would know, Miz Witherspoon and her people drove a hard bargain and paid $5,800,000 for the historic compound.

According to listing information, the main house has a soaring beamed ceiling living room and gigantic fireplace, a large kitchen dining room, a library loft with fireplace and 4 bedrooms and 3.5 bathrooms. An interesting quirk of the house, which will no doubt bug and bother some of the children, is that one must walk through an outdoor breezeway to get to the bedroom wing from the main house.

There are also two detached guest cottages, each with private bath and fireplace, a stable block for the equine inclined, a gatekeepers cottage, a four car carriage house garage, a stunning walled and private swimming pool, and a smithy, a somewhat obsolete feature where Your Mama imagines a burly, sweaty and seriously sexy man once used to forge the iron to shoe the horses and fabricate all the door handles and hardware for the property.

Your Mama can simply not say enough how covetous we are of Miz Witherspoon's new country digs. So we're just going to shut our big trap, spend the next few hours drooling over the dee-lishus photos of this California real estate dream and let the children praise and pick apart the details while all Your Mama's beloved Chicken Littles yammer on about how this place will only be worth a million in a year or two.

When not hiding out at her new ranch, Miss Witherspoon clearly prefers life behind gates where she can live her life without paps doorstepping her every move. As far as property records (and our spider web of sources) are concerned, she continues to live in the same 6,956 square foot house on Brentwood's guard gated N. Gunston Drive that she shared with ex-hubby Ryan Phillippe before they went splitsville. Property records would also indicate that in April of 2005 the $29,000,000 actress paid $760,000 to purchase another house on Moultrie Park in a gated community in the tony Belle Meade area of Nashville. As for her privacy loving boyfriend Jakie Gyllenhaal, you ask? When not camping out at Reese's place in Brentwood, he very discreetly pilots and parks his Mercedes up a long driveway on Woodrow Wilson drive in a house that is extremely well shielded from any prying eyes and long lenses that might be cruising up and down the street hoping to snap a shot of him pulling out of his driveway or wrapped in spandex and pumping his bi-cycle up and down the twisty streets of the Hollywood Hills.

They're sayin'...

...That surly, sour and filthy rich American Idol judge Simon Cowell has gone and bought a $5,000,000 house in the Bev Hills for British singing sensation Leona Lewis, who took home the top prize on the UK's X Factor last year.

Could be. But do we dare believe the British tabs? Since Your Mama has started this little blog they've been seriously wrong on the celebrity housing front. So truthfully kids, we're not sure. It certainly sounds suspicious. But who knows.

What we do know for sure is that Mister Cowell is putting the finishing touches on his newly built house on N. Palm Drive in the flats of Bev Hills, and Mister Big Time reported last week that Mister Cowell's ladee friend Terri Seymour recently paid $4,600,000 for a house on N. Doheny Drive. Property records to indeed show Miss Seymour as the buyer of the house, but could it be that the tabs and gossips across the pond think this is the house Mister Cowell allegedly bought for Miss Lewis?

Moby Needs Your Help...

...and he's willing to fork over $75,000 for it.

A few years ago, be-spectacled musician Moby thought it sounded like a good idea to move from his long time home on the Lower East Side of Manhattan to a quadraplex in the tower of the legendary and dee-luxe El Dorado building on Central Park West. Yes, children, a quadraplex. That's four floors of lung busting and boo-tox toning luxury.

After spending $4,500,000 to purchase the 2 bedroom co-operative and quite a few more dollars renovating the quirky cake topper apartment, 'ol Moby decided he didn't actually like living in the upper reaches of Manhattan and last summer he high tailed back downtown and put the freshly renovated apartment on the market with a $7,500,000 asking price.

It wasn't long before a deep pocketed buyer turned up who was willing to pay something close to the asking price. However, the the all powerful co-op board rejected the buyer. Rejected. The. Buyer. Uh-oh. That might sound strange to all you single family residence homeowners, but in New York City, co-op boards hold and wield all the power to approve or deny potential buyers. They can reject a buyer for any or no reason at all and, are you ready for this children, co-op boards are not obligated to provide any explanation for a rejection. New York is a tough town folks.

Anyhoo, Moby's uptown digs have languished on the market ever since the rejection debacle and the one man band recently and reportedly sent out an email to his friends that said, "If you find someone to buy the apartment I'll happily give $75,000 to you or your favorite charity."

Given that rather large number, Your Mama suggests the children get bizzy running through their Rolodex of rich friends and associates who might have seven and a half million clams to spare on a four floor Manhattan aerie. What are you waiting for? Go!

Jonathan Sheffer Makes Beautiful Real Estate Music in East Hampton

SELLER: Jonathan Sheffer
LOCATION: Ocean Avenue, East Hampton, NY
PRICE: $18,500,000
SIZE: 6 bedrooms, 5.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Circa 1888 restored charming village 1880s published Dutch Colonial house with 6 bedrooms and 5.5 baths set on multi-acre site steps from village and ocean beach. Gorgeous gunite pool and spa, all weather tennis court and separate cottages with gym, 2 car garage and guest house. One of a kind compound.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Your Mama has become quite accustomed to listening to some of the Honda driving children wax, whine and complain about the obscenely pricey properties in Malee-boo sitting far too close together and that for eighteen some millions of clams of their money they would require enough land not to be subjected to the sounds of neighbors farting and fornicating. Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter happen to L.O.V.E. us some Malee-boo and aren't so bothered by the proximity to neighbors, but we can certainly understand the desire many have to put a little distance between themselves and the crabby Mrs. Kravitz next door. With that in mind, Your Mama is pleased to start the week with some multi-acre Hamptons happiness which offers plenty of room to roam and enough privacy to sunbathe nekkid, nood and in the buff without being watched by the porno loving neighbor who's always trying to snap photos of your naughty bits with his mobile phone camera.

Located on Ocean Avenue between East Hampton's boo-teek lined downtown drag and the swanky sands of Main Beach, sits this dignified Dutch Colonial with the well preserved shingled skin of another century stretched over updated interiors that have been fitted and kitted with all the mod-ren conveniences required by the pampered princes and princesses of the East End who do not care to rough it on summer weekends.

Property records show the owner is a gentleman named Jonathan Sheffer who some of you–although not likely many of you–will know as the young and charismatic composer and conductor of the Eos Orchestra in New York City. Before Mister Sheffer set up shop with Eos, he studied under the Mister Leonard Bernstein, and scored a slew of cinematic treats such as Zits, The Omen IV and Grandpa's Funeral. It's true. Look it up. Mister Sheffer also conducted the orchestras for films like The Good Sheperd, Interview with the Vampire and the Batman and Robin franchise.

All of which, apparently, paid may-jor money because Mister Sheffer was able to buy, maintain and go to town de-ko-ratin' a generously sized compound in the Hamptons that he recently put up for sale with an impressive $18,500,000 asking price. Listing information for the property shows that there are 6 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms as well as several detached buildings that include a two car garage (where the Dr. Cooter would park the vintage 450SL, natch) and a large and lofty guest house at the rear of the property. A home gym occupies another small cottage on the property. Your Mama realizes that many rich, vain and well toned people spend the big bucks to have private gyms installed in their homes, and we understand they're convenient and all that crap. However, if we're being truthful, and we always are, home gyms usually make Your Mama cringe and (no offense intended) feel a little sorry for the owners of the torturous exercise contraptions. It's something we're working on with our lovely lesbian therapist, but for now we're still a little creeped out by them.

Other features of the sprawling and high-hedged compound include acres of lawn for running the dogs and playing gin and tonic fueled Bocci tournaments, a spectacular in ground swimming pool shaped by several interconnecting hexagons, and an all weather tennis court tucked into the back of the property. Can anyone explain an "all weather" tennis court to Your Mama? Who plays tennis in the rain or snow? Generally speaking, isn't tennis a fair weather sport and not an all weather sport?

Anyhoo, moving inside, Your Mama is loving the large living room with its dark floors, two fireplaces and warehouse full of white slip covered furniture. (We can't help it, we love white slip covered sofas. It's a sickness we can't explain much like we're unable to explain our dysphoria regarding home gyms.) The children will note the artwork casually placed on the mantles and Your Mama would like for Mister Sheffer to give us that shin bruising but gorgeous gnarled wood coffee table because it would look amazing in Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter's beach house living room too. If we had our way, we would instruct someone to immediately remove the slip covered slipper chairs which make us gag a little (too much of a good thing is just too much) and surely there was a more elegant solution for the flat screen than sticking it to the wall like a used piece of chewing gum, right?

We know some of you will not like it, but Your Mama thinks the dining room has been magnificently pared down to the barest necessities required for eating...a shiny table (that beautifully mirrors the gorgeous glossy wainscoting), 8 or 10 mixed and matched chairs, and an austere chandelier (on a dimmer, of course). The kitchen, while not blazing any new paths of high design, is fully functional and looks like a nice place to make coffee and eat donuts.In truth, as the children might expect, the only real issue we have with the kitchen is that crazy pot rack hanging above the sink waiting for just the right moment to give the dishwasher a concussion. Mister Sheffer, please understand that in the main Your Mama adores your house and the simple beach house day-core, but your potentially lethal pot rack gives us hives and has us reaching for the Xanax.

The bedrooms at Mister Sheffer's, at least some of the six of them, appear to provide guests with sitting areas perfect for smoking pre-dinner joints and playing before bed checkers. Sitting areas in guest rooms are really great if you like to make your house guests comfortable enough to want to extend their stay well beyond your invitation, which Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter most certainly do not. Our guest rooms are tiny. Cute. Comfortable. But tiny. Makes 'em ready to go back to their own damn home after just a day or two, which is just the way we like it. In and out.

In our humble and totally meaningless opinion, Mister Sheffer's East Hampton getaway is a nice change of pace from the old-school chintz and Chinoiserie palaces that are all too common in the Hamptons. It looks and feels like a kick off your flip flops East Cost beach house done up for an arty farty (and very rich) New York City fella and Your Mama is down with that whole bizness.

Your Mama feels deep in our ever expanding gut that the house will be sold quickly to someone really rich who will pay a premium get their nice gay decorator in there to whip the place into shape before the East End social season begins in earnest on Memorial Day. We wish Mister Sheffer well as he moves on to wherever it is he may be going...and seriously, dude, have your people call Your Mama's people if you're looking to get rid of the coffee table.

Weekend Mish Mash

1.
It's baaaack. After disappearing from the market several weeks ago, the much altered but still lovely to look at Richard Neutra designed house in Bel Air that was built for Teledyne tycoon Henry Singleton and is currently owned by octogenarian hair guru Vidal Sassoon is back on the market with an asking price of $19,950,000, which is exactly the same asking price it was listed at before.

Due to it's architectural pedigree, the house garnered lots of publicity and attention when it first hit the market last summer. Your Mama even heard that talk show maven and house hopper Ellen Degeneres went up for a look see. But alas, no one with big bucks and modernist dreams stepped up to buy the 5-acre Mulholland Drive property.

Now, all you architectural purists go scream and yell in the comments section about how Mister Sassoon butchered this house during the renovation, because we know you want to.

2.
The $22,500,000 house in the Holmby Hills that every gossip glossy thought Ben Garner and Jennifer Affleck (or whatever their names are) were gonna buy is back on the market with a substantial $3,000,000 price reduction. Perhaps the new $19,950,000 asking price will attract some filthy rich exercise nut who will gleefully consider the exceptionally long walk from the motor court to the front door as an opportunity to work a little extra cardio into their day.

3.
Aussie singer/actress Olivia Newton John seems to be getting sear-ee-us about selling her Malee-boo mansion and recently karate chopped the asking price of her 6,482 square foot sprawler up in the guard gated enclave of the Serra Retreat from $14,000,000 to $12,950,000. Miz O.N.J.'s 5 bedroom and 6 bathroom crib sits di-rectly next door to the Love Shack where much on the mend Britney Spears and her Fed-Ex used to live in wedded bliss before she lost her damn mind and starting flashing her baby maker all over town. Remember those days kids? Your Mama is happy as a clam that Miss Spears is pulling her shit together, and Miz Newton John is prolly even happier that those two young muffins sold their house next door because hovering helicopters filled with paps trying to snap pix of their tawdry doings might have been a real problem for a potential buyer.

4.
All the New York City real estate gossips and property fiends are on pins and needles waiting for deceased society doyenne Brooke Astor's Park Avenue duplex to hit the market. The NY Observer reported earlier this week that Mrs. Astor's suspicious son Anthony Marshall and his rather controversial wife Charlene (who left her preacher huzband to be with the Astor heir) recently interviewed a handful of high end brokers to determine who would get the plush and plum listing.

It's expected that the two floor terraced co-operative apartment at hoity toity 778 Park Avenue will have an eye popping asking price of $46,000,000 or more. That gigantic number isn't so difficult to fathom when you consider that this is the very same super swank building where billionaire industrialist Ira Rennart recently and ever so generously forked over $33,600,000 (in cash) to purchase Vera Wang's full floor 14-room apartment for his daughter Yonina. Lucky damn Yonina.

Anyhoo, Miz Astor's legendary duplex reportedly includes several fireplaces, three to five bedrooms depending on who you ask, extensive staff quarters, a separate apartment for guests or staff, and interiors by the inestimable high society decorator Albert Hadley who famously did up the library with lacquered red walls.

There has been much public hullabaloo and scads of private outrage over the care Miz Astor received in her last few years (or the lack of it by some accusations) as well as serious questions regarding her wills and wishes since her death in August of 2007. If you care to read up, here's a good article that covers the salacious situation.

UPDATE: Joe Babajian

All the children who follow the trials and tribulations of high end real estate in Los Angeles are more than well acquainted of the once high, mighty and extremely successful real estate agent Joe Babajian and his spectacular, very public and much discussed by Your Mama fall from grace last year when he and his bizness partner Kyle Grasso (and a number of other industry folks) were indicted on several uglee charges of fraud and money laundering charges.

Shortly after the indictment ol' JoeBabs put his house in the Bev Hills house on the market with an asking price of $6,995,000 which very quickly had a sliver of a reduction to $6,985,000. After several months of not selling and a few short weeks off the open market, the house was re-listed in January 2008 with a proper price adjustment to $6,595,000. Sure enough, a buyer soon responded to the decrease in asking price and bit the bullet and bought the fully renovated 3 bedroom and 3.5 bathroom house on Carla Ridge in the Trousdale Estates.

Thanks to Our Fairy Godmother in Beverly Hills, Your Mama has learned that the house sold and closed very recently with a sale price of $6,510,000. The owner is listed as a limited liability corporation, but thanks to a quick call to the insanely well informed Lucy Spillerguts Your Mama has learned that it appears the buyer is a young Serbian playboy named Marko Miskovic who is the son of one of Serbia's richest bizness tycoons Miroslav Miskovic.

According to an April 2006 report in the Times Online, the ol' JoeBabs crib is not the only property that is owned by the jet setting dilettante Marko. Sometime in early 2006 it was reported that Mister Miskovic the elder dropped a stunning £25,500,000 to purchase a mansion for Mister Miskovic the younger in London's posh Kensington neighborhood. The lucky scion also reportedly maintains a £550,000 yacht in Montenegro and has a thing for dating Serbian pop stars.

Watch out Britney Spear because now that you're back in your right mind and wearing panties under your mini dresses, young Mister Miskovic might be looking for a piece of your American pop stardom.

UPDATE: Michael Jackson

Roger Friedman, who pens the mighty Fox 411 gossip fest, included a wee blurb in his column today that reports that the much publicized May 14 foreclosure auction for Neverland Ranch is full speed ahead.

Now children, we got no reason to disbelieve the typically very well informed Mister Friedman...except for what we hear from Mister Plum, a seemingly well connected informant who whispers something a different in Your Mama's big ear.

According to Mister Plum, The White Lady has miraculously managed to get Fortress Investment Group to once again restructure his massive loan on the forlorn and falling apart Neverland Ranch so that the former King of Pop can sell it privately to a group of LA based investors. Now go put on your thinking caps children, because this is where it gets even more confusing. Mister Friedman has repeatedly reported that an L.A. based investor named Jason Castero has put $46,000,000 into an escrow account and will likely be one of the bidders standing on the steps of the Santa Barbara County courthouse on May 14.

However Mr. Plum, who claims to have connections at Fortress, says he's quite certain the foreclosure sale won't happen and there is another LA-based investment group that is NOT headed up by Jason Castero who is also making a play to purchase the property directly from The White Lady...that is IF the beleaguered and financially strapped Gloved One will sell the property.

Here's the thing: Your Mama has a very, very difficult time believing that Fortress would be in any mood to want to work with Mister Jackson on this long defaulted on $24,500,000 loan. We simply can't figure out how a refinance on the 2,600 acre ranch is in their best interest particularly if they know that this Castero fellow and perhaps another group of cash rich investors are chomping at the bit to buy the property.

Mister Plum tells Your Mama that it's going down this way because "Mister Jackson does not play that way," referring to the foreclosure and auction bizness. But with all due respect to Mister Plum, Neverland Ranch is already in foreclosure and Mister Jackson really isn't in any position to pull the real estate strings and play any way anymore. It all seems to have moved far beyond his ability to control the situation and call the shots, much as he might like to, of course

So then we'll all have to sit tight until the scheduled May 14 auction draws near and then see how all this rumor and gossip will sort itself out and into a place of truth and reality.

Photo/Sculpture: Jeff Koons' Michael Jackson and Bubbles (1986) via World of Art

Mary J. Blige Goes Big in Sadde River

BUYER: Mary J. Blige
LOCATION: Saddle River Road, Saddle River, NJ
PRICE: $13,900,000 (asking)
SIZE: 18,250 square feet (approx.), 8 bedrooms, 8 full and 3 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: The ultimate estate! This magnificent stone and stucco country French manor features approx. 18,250 square feet of luxurious living space. Located on 4.2 beautiful acres, this one-of-a-kind estate features the ultimate in design and craftsmanship. This remarkable home offers the very best in luxury: huge gourmet chef's kitchen w/ fireplace, great reception rooms for entertaining, incredible master suite, movie theater with seating for fourteen, wine tasting room, fitness center, indoor basketball court, walk-out lower level, elevator, to all floors, huge swimming pool, full service cabana, 6 car and so much more! Truly Pinnacle's most spectacular estate!

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: According to the NY Daily News–and about 1000 other print and online gossip columns–wigged out, blinged up and fur wrapped hip hop chanteuse Mary J. Blige and her record-industry executive huzband Kendu Isaacs recently forked over $12,300,000 to purchase a monstrous mansion in swanky and suburban Saddle River, NJ. Your Mama knows some of the more pessimistic children are in a deep and existential panic about the real estate market and the availability, or lack of availability, of big mortgages. However don't any of you chicken littles out there need to wring your worried hands and fret that the Blige/Isaacs suffered any trouble or trauma securing a fat mortgage for their new crib because children, they paid cash. That's right, C.A.S.H., cash.

Many of you children prolly think all rich and famous folks pay cash for their cribs, digs and nests, however, it's actually less common than you might think. Some of you kids might be flabbergasted and flummoxed by just how many super rich celebs and bizness bigwigs service major mortgages of 4, 8 and 10 million clams. And more.

According to The Daily News and listing information for the 4.2 acre property, the Bronx born "Queen of Hip Hop Soul" drove a hard bargain for the newly built 18,250 square foot (approx.) post-Euro-modern-chateau-ish suburban sprawler. At one point, the property was listed at $17,000,000 and later reduced to $13,900,000 before Miz Blige and Mister Isaacs walked in with their big bundle of cash boodle and managed to convince the developer/seller to agree to a sale price of $12,300,000 for the newly constructed home.

Initially Your Mama was not able to come up with any photos of the property. Then we put dog with a bone researcher B.S. Beaverman on the case and luckily for all the hungry children, she turned up several photos and a floor plan. Everyone bow down to The Beaverman.

According to the floor plan, which Your Mama can not guarantee is 100% accurate to what was actually built, the first floor includes a library, a living room, a billiard room, a great room (which is really just a larger second living room) and a gallery/loggia with built in shelves which Your Mama thinks might be a nice spot for soo-blime Miz Blige to display her gold records and eight (eight!) Grammys. The family quarters include a hexagonal breakfast room and cozy family room, a commodious kitchen where Miz Blige's private chef could easily whip up a meal for 20 or 40 friends, and a maids room and bath next to the garage.

Upstairs the sprawling master suite is accessed by a large and grandiose circular stair case and includes a private sitting room with fireplace, a small terrace and dual bathrooms and walk in closets. Your Mama has to wonder if Miz Blige will be installing a temperature controlled fur closet for her extensive collection of animal pelts, a feature she could make certainly make good use of, but one we're quite certain the PETA people would have a hissy fit over. At the other end of the second floor are the family bedrooms which can also be accessed by a second separate stair tower. We count three bedrooms, each with its own bathroom and walk in closet, a "learning center," and a two room guest apartment with a wet bar and a large bathroom. The listing for the property state the house includes 8 bedrooms and a whopping 8 full and 3 half bathrooms, so we can't be sure if the "learning center" remains in the final floor plan or if it was turned into another bedroom.

Listing information also reveals that the house is extremely well equipped to house someone who requires such unnecessary and dee-luxe amenities as five fireplaces, an elevator servicing all three floors, two laundry rooms, a bar, fitness center, wine tasting room (because only poor people taste wine in the kitchen don't you know), a 14 seat home theater and a private indoor basketball court in the basement.

The grounds include parking for 6 cars, a large swimming pool with a full service cabana, a "grand terrace" at the back of the house for summer time entertaining and 4.2 acres of manicured grounds. According to The Daily News Miz Blige and her huzband, whom she credits with helping her get her past drug issues under control, plans to make some additions/alterations that will allow her to squeeze her tour bus on to the property as well as beef up the security. And children, Your Mama should not need to tell you that the security at this estate will likely be extensive and state of the art, so don't get any crazy notions about driving out to Saddle River hoping to catch sight of Miz Blige as she glides in and out of her electronic drive gates because you can be assured you will be video taped looking like a damn fool with your digital camera stuck to your face.

The listing agent for the property denied any knowledge of the buyer's identity (natch), and Your Mama was unable to verify the sale through property and title records. However, local source told The Daily News that, "Everybody knows Mary J. Blige bought the house." Well, we got not reason to disbelieve anyone, but this is not Your Mama's first time at the celebrity real estate gossip fair, so we'll stick to being a wee bit skeptical until the all the paper work is filed with the local authorities, and you should too.

No offense to all you filthy rich Bergen County Bobs and Bettys, but Your Mama, who freely admits to not having $12,000,000 for any house, would rather amputate our own leg with a rusty nail than drive our big BMW home to gigantic mansion like this in suburban New Jersey. But that is of no matter because plenty of rich and famous folks aspire to and drop big bucks to acquire large and lavish houses in the upscale Saddle River area. Other residents in the area are said to include hip hop honcho Wyclef Jean, the curiously named rapper Ja Rule, professional basketballer Vince Carter, actor Danny Aiello, novelist Mary Higgins Clark, and rapper turned preacher Rev Run, whose Saddle River residence was is still being offered for sale at $5,500,000. And of course, who could forget the mind boggling 35,000 square foot House of Bling that (finally) dee-vorcing moguls Russell and Kimora Lee Simmons called home in happier times that remains for sale with an optimistic $23,888,000 asking price.

It appears from property records and a well connected source we call The Shaggy Dog that Your Mama keeps in our arsenal of tipsters that Miz Blige currently lives on Loman Court in a town Your Mama has never heard of and will probably never go called Cresskill, NJ. Records show that the 1.1 acre property was purchased in June of 2001 for $1,950,000. The Shaggy Dog tells us that Miz Blige is well known among her neighbors for having a large car carrier block the street when she and her entourage decamp en masse to her Los Angeles rental property. We also find addresses for Miss Blige for a modest house on Donald Drive in New Rochelle that we're told was purchased for Mama Blige. We also find an address for Miss Blige at the City Spire building on West 56th Street in Manhattan, but it appears that might be an address for the office of one of her people rather than a private residence for the always well turned out Miz Blige.

Anyhoo, this ladee has impressively pulled herself up by her Bronx born bootstraps and with raw talent, intense determination and sheer force of will has put herself in the enviable financial position to plunk down a huge amount of money for the house of her dreams. So while we may think the house is too big and too uglee, who are we to rain on Miz Blige's real estate dreams? That said, Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter sincerely wish Miz Blige and her man all the best and no more drama in their new home.

Enrique Murciano Above Hollywood Boulevard

SELLER: Enrique Murciano
LOCATION: Hillside Avenue, Los Angeles, CA
PRICE: $1,795,000
SIZE: 2,123 square feet, 3 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: Stunning gated house with Hotel Bel Air vibe. Grand living room with gorgeous high-beamed ceiling. Marvelous master with romantic sitting room-sized balcony great for reading the morning paper. Wonderful eat-in kitchen. Outdoor balcony awesome for dining. Two additional guest bedrooms plus office. Two fabulous patios open to the swimmer's pool and grassy area. Incredibly charming.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: If Your Mama is being honest, and we always are, we didn't know who this Enrique Murciano person is until we looked up his resume on the Internet Movie Data Base. Turns our he's a scruffy faced and squinty eyed Cuban-American hottie who landed several small film roles (Speed 2, Traffic, Black Hawk Down) before securing a regular role on television drama Without a Trace where he's been acting off his cute keister and earning a good living since 2002.

A little further research on the internets and we learn that good looking Mister Murciano has a thing for cooking, cars, motorcycles and moe-dells, natch. Super moe-dells to be more precise. Since his long term love affair with Miss Molly Sims went kaput in 2007 it's rumored and whispered that the Latino lover has been hooking up with Victoria's Secret panty princess Angela Lindvall, who still manages to look dy-no-mite marching her mannequin down the runway in her underwear even after popping out two babies.

Anyhoo, Property records reveal that Mister Murciano purchased his modestly sized 2,123 square foot house just above Hollywood Boulevard back in March of 2004 for $1,425,000. Listing information tells us the house has 3 bedrooms an 2.5 bathrooms as well as an office space. Very tall hedges and a sliding electric gate stretch across the front for maximum privacy and maximum privacy is a good thing in our real estate book even if you don't have the paps on your tail.

Your Mama recognizes this house could use a bit of curb appeal assistance (the white garage door is a bit of an eyesore, isn't it?). But children, Your Mama freely confesses that we are smitten with this house. Do we like the strange pattern made with the pavers in the driveway? Absolutely not. How do we feel about some of the dark paint colors? Icky but easily changed. Would we leave the glass block, brass fixtures and rose pink counter tops in the master bathroom? Oh hell no! But given that Your Mama and the Dr. Cooter prefer a home that does not require a terlit scrubber be up an in our bizness 27 hours a day and we swoon over shaded and covered out door terraces perfect for escaping the blistering Southern California sun, it should be no surprise that we're thinking we should be calling our man at Smith Barney.

We love the large and long living room with it's classic California peaked ceiling and cozy fireplace surrounded by bookshelves (not pictured) and although we would not make the same choices in counter tops and cabinetry, we can deal with the smallish kitchen until such time as it's time to rip it out and start anew. The secondary bedrooms appear to be on the wee side, but who wants to encourage guests to stay longer than a few nights with large comfortable guest suites? No offense friends and family, but not Your Mama.

But it's really the back yard and the outdoor spaces that have Your Mama considering a call to our banker and hunting for our checkbook in the bottom of our beat up Louis Vuitton document carrier. Yes children, we know the yard is small, particularly for all you real estate size queens who feel hemmed in unless there's an acre of lawn out back. However, there's just enough grass for our long bodied bitches Linda and Beverly to piddle in peace, a petit pool perfect for plunging on warm days and a soothing spa in which the Dr. Cooter can camp out with a nice bottle of wine after a long time setting people heads right.

And let's not forget the three covered patios that provide perfect and quiet spots to lounge around in the shade sipping gine and tonics, flipping through the gossip glossies and re-reading David Foster Wallace short stories.

Normally Your Mama does not get into discussing the hard working real estate agents who list and sell all these celebrity homes in the finer zip codes across the country, but Mister Murciano's gal deserves a shout out. Her name is Sharona Alperin and you might recognize her name because in her dewy youth a band called The Knack recorded a hit song called My Sharona that was written about her. Yes puppies, turns out Sharona was indeed a living, breathing and very young gurl. Your Mama can't help but to love that sort of sideways celebrity...she's not really famous, yet how many children can still sing the refrain from that song? My Sharona was the single on the very first album that our Sister Woman ever purchased with chore money and between the two of us we played the damn song on her portable record player until the grooves in the record were done worn away.

Anyhoo, we wish Mister Murciano well as he moves on to bigger and better digs. Now leave us alone so Your Mama can call our man at Smith Barney.

UPDATE: Sidney Kimmel

In some parts of sunny Florida the real estate market is in the terlit. In fact, some developers in the less desirable zip codes are practically giving away newly built houses to anyone with twelve dollars and a pulse. However, down in posh Palm Beach there seem to be plenty of buyers at the very tippy top of the purchasing pool.

It was only late February 2008 when octogenarian apparel titan and quasi successful film producer Sidney Kimmel pushed his Thierry Despont designed ocean front pile onto the market with a breathtaking $81,500,000 asking price and already the house is rumored and reported to be under contract for a number above $75,000,000.

All the hoity toity and high class real estate agents involved in the spine tingling deal are mum on who the big bucks buyer is, but listing agent Paulette Koch is on record with the Palm Beach Daily News as saying that there were at least 20 qualified parties who eyeballed the 32,316 square foot limestone clad colossus. Now here's where Your Mama recommends the children hold on to their britches because according to Miz Koch numerous offers were presented in the last few weeks. Numerous! For an $81,500,000 damn house!

Miz Koch, well known around Palm Beach as one of the finest and most successful real estate agents plying her trade up and down Ocean Boulevard, says that other interested parties included celebs, hedge hogs, stinking rich sports figures, a Saudi prince (who you know has more than enough money to buy this place and then brazenly knock it down), as well as Fortune 500 CEOs, Europeans with favorable exchange rates "and other captains of industry." Naturally, the dignified Miz Koch didn't call anyone a hedge hog or stinking rich. But Your Mama did. Yes we did.

Anyhoo, it's only a matter of time before the name of the buyer is leaked and all the real estate gossips go berserk trying to be the first one to report and confirm the name. In the meantime let's take out our bedazzled abacus and spend a few minutes quietly figuring out the mind numbing yearly taxes.

Jessica Simpson Says No

The ever present cameras of gossip juggernaut TMZ caught Jessica Simpson yesterday as she exited a Chili's restaurant in Encino...let's just take a moment of silence to breathe that in children.

A damn Chili's restaurant in Encino? Anyhoo, when asked if she bought a big house in Nashville the singer/ack-tress/former reality television star said "No, absolutely not."

Well then, maybe the gurl's got the good sense not to buy a 10,000 square foot mansion in a town she doesn't actually live after all.

Michael J. Fox Loves Him Some Quogue

BUYER: Michael J. Fox and Tracy Pollan
LOCATION: Quogue Street, Quogue, NY
PRICE: $6,300,000
SIZE: 7,000 square feet (approx.), 6 bedrooms, 7.5 bathrooms

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: About 100 years ago Your Mama was chatting with a very nice gentleman we'll call Freddy Flapjaw who swore up and down that Emmy winning actor Michael J. Fox was looking to buy a multi-million dollar house in Quogue, a sleepy and (some might say) staid village at the western end of the Hamptons that is wall to wall with old school estates carpeted with vast lawns and anchored by gigantic shingled summer "cottages."

Your Mama unable to confirm or deny the "rumor" about Mister Fox's purchase at the time, but Freddy Flapjaw said, "You'll see." Turns out ol' Flapjaw was indeed speaking the truth and according to the real estate gossip gurls at Newsday, the Parkinson's afflicted actor and his actress wifey Tracy Pollan recently plunked down $6,300,000 for a newly built shingled "cottage" on tony Quogue Street smack in the geographic center of the village.

Having spent many a-summer day frolicking in the riptide at Dolphin Beach on Dune Road, Your Mama knows thing or two about this particular neck of the Hamptons. The general consensus among summer people in that area is that if you want glitz and glamour, keep driving your shiny late model Mercedes further down Montauk Highway to East Hampton where the restaurants are filled to capacity with perfectly bronzed famous folks in designer duds paying big bucks to eat gore-may meals. If you prefer competitive cribbage played pool side, putting 5,000 piece puzzles together on the screened porch, and being surrounded by old and quiet money, then Quogue just might be a finer fit for you.

The new Fox/Pollan property reflects that special brand of Hamptons hodge podge architecture where a dignified and shingled Dutch Gambrel marries a quirky Victorian ladee who secretly has an affair with a giant farmhouse who paws her with his wide porches. Throw in all the mod-ren conveniences and the result is a sprawling 7,000 square foot house with gleaming cherry floors (they're cherry, right?), acres of simple but pleasing mill work, seven fireplaces, a wine cellar, a commodious master suite with two fireplaces, a sitting room/office and private water view terrace, and a gunite pool with a pool side guest cottage all sitting on 1.1 acres of meticulously maintained and supernaturally green grass.

With six en suite bedrooms and 7.5 bathrooms, the Fox/Pollan summer house should provide plenty of room for the four Fox children. However with just four bedrooms on the second floor, the Fox twins will either have to bunk together or one of the older Fox children will need to claim the bedroom on the ground floor or the one above the garage that is accessed by a private stair off the kitchen...which is without a doubt the room Your Mama would have chosen as a teenager because it features a small private balcony perfect for a rebel teen to puff ciggies and other illegal substances. As an aside and for the record, Your Mama has long quit smoking cigarettes and so should you. No offense intended to any of you smokestacks, but it's a dirty, nasty, filthy, stinky and seriously bad habit that invites and even happily welcomes The Dreaded Cancer.

Freddie Flapjaw also whispered to Your Mama that the Fox/Pollan clan already has some residential roots in the area having forked over large sums of cash to rent a large house in Quogue the last few summers. Therefore, Your Mama imagines the sometimes wary and buttoned up Quoglians will be happy to welcome the Fox family with open arms this summer just as long as his celebrity doesn't attract any long lensed paps or freakos who think it's cute to sit out front of his house in their Hondas hoping for a glimpse of the bathing suited family.

Seriously children, don't do that...don't go to any of these celebs houses that Your Mama discusses. These people don't need you beating on their door acting like a damn fool thinking you're so clever for finding them. That just makes you an asshole. Don't think it does? Just ask anyone who's famous what they think of those "fans."

Anyhoo, if Your Mama is being honest, and we always are, Mister Fox is not really on our real estate radar so we're not sure where else Mister Fox and Miz Pollan own property. We do find some indication in property records that they own a Park Avenue apartment in New York City as well as a large house in pretty and pretty rural Sharon, Connecticut. It's also quite possible the Fox/Pollans own property in his native Canada and it's a pretty good guess they own a manse in one of the better zip codes in the Los Angeles area.

Nicole and Keith's Kountry Kabin

BUYER: Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban
LOCATION: Nashville, TN
PRICE: $3,470,000
SIZE: 10,925 square feet, 7 bedrooms, 8 full and 2 half bathrooms
DESCRIPTION: This home is called The Queen of Northumberland. Magnificent stone work on cornices, window trim and entry door. Tennis court. Swimming pool. The perfect home theatre. Fabulous landscaping.

NOTE: When word first slid down the celebrity real estate gossip grapevine, it was rumored that this Nashville, TN property was purchased by singer Jessica Simpson. It was not. It was by all accounts picked up by Aussie actress Nicole Kidman and her country music superstar huzband Keith Urban.

YOUR MAMAS NOTES: Rumors and reports have long swirled that fast fading pop/reality/film star Jessica Simpson was packing up her hair extensions and decamping to Nashville, TN in order to work on a country music album. Yesterday the Nashville Post reported that Miss Simpson may have forked over the big bucks for a fancy place to park her pick up truck and cowboy boots. Much as we'd like to say otherwise, Your Mama does not know much more than what was reported in the Nashville Post, which is that maybe Miss Simpson bought a big house. Here's where things stand:

A giant house in the fancy gated Northumberland community just outside of Nashville recently sold for $3,470,000. The trust that purchased the 2-acre spread is represented by well known Music Row money manager Mary Ann McCready, a ladee whose name appears on property records for all sorts of rich and famous country music folks including new Nashvillian Kelly Clarkson and Aussie ex-pats Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman, who Your Mama hears through the gossip grapevine might also be on the look out for a Los Angeles outpost.

It's unclear to Your Mama why the good folks at the Nashville Post think it might be Miss Simpson who purchased this house and not one of the other many music celebs Miz McCready represents, but they do. Perhaps they know more than they are saying?

Anyhoo, with the help of Tennessee Tatler and Nashville House Whore, two of Your Mama's country crooning tipsters on the ground in Nashville, we have learned a little something about the house in question. Located in a gated enclave that is secured like Fort Knox, the 10,925 square foot house known The Queen of Northumberland features a whopping twen-tee rooms spread across three floors of living space. Unless the entire Simpson clan and Miss Simpson's hair weave honcho Ken Paves are picking up and moving to Nashville full time, it is Your Mama's humble and meaningless opinion this palatial pile is entirely too much house for one gal and her round robin of male suitors (currently quarterback Tony Romo from the Dallas Cowboys).

Listing information for the sizable and stately manor indicates there are 7 bedrooms, 8 full and 2 half bathrooms (can the children say live-in terlit scurbber three times fast?), a living room that measures a gigantic 32' x 21' and a 23' long dining room. Other rooms in the manse include a den with a cozy fireplace, a home thee-ay-ter, and a thirty foot long hobby room. Now, what kind of hobbies do the children suppose Miss Simpson has? Scrap booking? Model trains? Quilting?

The Nashville House Whore, who swears he's been up in this mansion, whispered to Your Mama that it's a "nice crib," in a very secure "gated ghetto" with amazing grounds, but that the interior day-core was "dated and very old white lady" with lots of antiques. Sounds like Miss Simpson will need to drop another bundle on a nice gay decorator to do the place up properly.

Although the gated community includes a private club house with tennis courts and swimming pool for all the other rich residents, The Queen of Northumberland quite naturally has it own pool and tennis court which means that Miss Jessica and Kenny Paves need not fraternize and frolic with the other well booted music industry residents who live in the ritzy enclave if they do not wish...not that Miss Paves ever gets her hair wet in a swimming pool. We tease.

As far as we know, and property records reflect, Miss Simpson continues to own her 5,500 square foot Beverly Hills house on "guard gated" Lime Orchard Road that she bought for $5,275,000 in the aftermath of her dee-vorce from ex-boy band beau-hunk Nick Lachey.

If all this rumor and gossip is true and Miss Simpson did indeed by this big house in suburban Nashville, we sincerely hope her new country album does a lot better than her last few film and music projects because with a couple of multi-million dollar mortgages and a daddy-manager to support, gurl needs a serious income. Good luck hunny. Your Mama wishes you all the best, 'cause all due respect, yer gonna need it.

Next stop, The Surreal Life. Oh! Ouch! Did we say that out loud?

YOUR MAMAS UPDATE: Somehow, researcher extraordinaire B.S. Beaverman located a small cache of photos of this house that we did not have when we first discussed the property. To be honest, we don't know where she got them or how, but they are nicely done photos that Your Mama imagines cost the real estate agent a good slice of her commission. We are of the opinion that other than the soo-blime and so-fisticated color palettes in the master bedroom and bathroom, Miss Jessica's nice gay decorator has his work cut out for him.

We do sincerely hope that it wasn't Miss Jessica that bought this house but rather some other more established country music star who has a family to fill up those big rooms. Can you imagine how lonesome and forlorn Miss Jessica would look sitting all alone in that family room knitting or sitting down to dinner alone in that dining room? Yikes. Please, Miss Jessica, tell Your Mama you have more sense than to buy a 10,000 square foot house in Nashville.

Monday Mish Mash

Your Mama has loads of properties lined up to discuss but before we begin Your Mama needs to clear out some of our over flowing inbox and voicemail that is chock full of juicy celebrity real estate tidbits and updates.

1.
After posting our little screed and link over to This Is London that presented a long (but apparently not complete) list of properties owned by Sir Paul McCartney, Your Mama received a flood of email and phone calls, not the least of which was a communication by the always high-larious Kenny Kissentell. Mister Kissentell, a man who roams the streets and byways of Celebrityville each and every day, whispered to Your Mama that the house on Heather Road in the Bev Hills that reportedly belongs to Sir Paul does indeed belong to Sir Paul...it's just held in a trust with someone else's name on it.

Anyhoo, not only did Kenny K. wax rhapsodic about the long and curving driveway that curls ups to a "tree-d out country cottage with ranch style dressing," he went on to tattle that when Prius driving Sir Paul is in residence, a phalanx of security descends on the itty bitty and sleepy side street. As if that were not irksome enough, Kenny K. swears to Your Mama that the security goons question all the other ritzy residents of Heather Road as they attempt to slide their Mercedes' onto to the block. How annoying would that be when you've got ice cream melting in the truck?

2.
The splashed across the front page of the New York Post story about insanely rich professional club swinger Tiger Woods dropping $65,000,000 or so on a high-fallutin' Hamptons hideaway just won't die.

Although the lucky listing agent from Sotheby's International Realty and Mister Woods' people deny deny deny that the golfer and his blond wifey Elin are the buyers of the gigantic Gin Lane oceanfront estate, the NY Post people are sticking to their story and they have recently received a little bit of back-up from Long Island Business News blogger David Winzelberg who reported that his East End sources think Tiger Woods is indeed the buyer.

Oh dear. This is really getting messy isn't it?

Mister Winzelberg goes on to report that the behind the hedges scuttlebutt is that retail fashion icon Ralph Lauren may have floated an offer for the property in his hunt for "something old on the ocean," and hedge hog billionaire Eddie Lampert is rumored to have offered $60,000,000 for the fatabulous 5.9 acre property but apparently lost out to the higher bidding buyer, whoever that may be.

Along with all the other real estate gossips, this whole Woods bizness is driving Your Mama and the Doctor Cooter to the drink, so let's hope that the truth comes out before we have to call Betty Ford and beg for a group rate.

3.
So, what's up with Avril "The Spitter" Lavigne's house in Mulholland Estates? Anyone? Ever since the pop princess married that dude from Sum 41 and bought Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler's old digs in the gated Bel Air Crest community, she's had zero luck in unloading her old mansion in the gated Mulholland Estates community.

The asking price started all the way up near $7,000,000 and was last seen at $5,800,000 after at least two deals went kaput on the 6,894 square foot house. Then last week, (or was it the week before?) the listing went poof. Vah-moose. Ba-bye.

Is this just another attempt to re-jigger the listing to attract new buyers or did someone fi-na-lee sign on the dotted line to purchase the property? We hope the latter, because to be quite honest, Your Mama is tired of losing sleep over Miss La-Veen's real estate fiasco.

4.
You just gotta love the Jackson family, who really stick together when times are tough and the press corps is bearing down and asking questions. As some of you may have seen or read, Jermaine Jackson has been out yakking to the paps at TMZ that Neverland Ranch will be sold "over my dead body" and that the much publicized foreclosure on the Santa Ynez Valley spread is a "myth."

Whaaat?

Jermaine hunny, we got nuthin' against you. In fact, we don't even know who you are or what you do for your money. But we do know that you should listen to Your Mama for a bleedin' minute before you go out flapping yer yaw to the press and sounding like a damn fool again. The foreclosure and the scheduled March 19 auction date (now moved to May 14) can be confirmed with public records on file at the Santa Barbara County Courthouse. Read that again slow baby and make sure you understand the words. On. File. At. The. Santa. Barbara. County. Courthouse.

If you still prefer to suffer the illusion that the foreclosure and impending auction is a "myth," Your Mama recommends you get on the horn right away to the folks at Fortress and try to persuade them into your fantasy land because they are currently planning to auction off your brother's scene of the alleged crime on May 14 unless someone comes up with $24,500,000 (or so) to pay off the loan they hold on the 2,600 acre property.

Call it a hunch, call it an uneducated and a snarky guess, but somehow Your Mama does not imagine Mister Jermaine or any of the other Jackson siblings have or are willing to cough up the big bucks necessary to save their troubled and younger brother's once beloved now busted and broken down Neverland Ranch.

And none of this Neverland Ranch bizness begins to touch on the tawdry tax troubles that surround the family's long time compound in Encino. Word on the real estate gossip street is that Michael, who is the owner of record on the Hayvenhurst Avenue house, is having a devil of time hanging on to that place too.

It's all just so sad children. Sad, sad, sad.

The Elephant in the Room

According to the belovedly deranged mythology of Christianity, Easter is a celebration of resurrection, the return from the dead. Therefore, depressing as it is, it's nonetheless appropriate that this Easter weekend has marked the return from the dead of the inexplicable popularity of the overwhelmingly obnoxious Jim Carrey. Not since Pulp Fiction brought John Travolta back from Has-Been Land has a cumback been so dispiriting. And if it's not bad enough that they've brought him back, they're inflicting him on innocent children, as he further befouls the charming work of the late Dr. Seuss. Today's post-literate (i.e. illiterate) children may never discover the actual, charming books of the good Doctor, and think only that he wrote obnoxiously overblown "Family" movie vehicles for fading, comic overactors. In any event, we can be certain that the success now two weeks running of Horton Hears a Who will certainly ensure sequels. (For the record, Little Douglas himself played Dr. Seuss's Horton The Elephant some 50 years ago, in a stage production of Horton Hatches the Egg at Lunada Bay School, in Palos Verdes, California. I'm sure it was terrible, but I'm equally sure that even Little Dougie made a better, or at worst, a considerably less insufferable Horton than Jim Carrey.) Let me put it this way:

I do not like that loud Jim Carrey.
I'd rather wed a swishing fairy.
(And I should know of what I say,
As half my husbands were quite gay.)
His Horton makes me cry out "Ugh!"
I'd rather see him played by Doug.
Into Doc Suess he's sunk his hooks,
Now children will not read those books.
If animated Suess kids need,
There's a swell cartoon with Hans Conreid.
It did not maul nor broadly pander,
So why not give that film a gander?
It's on a DVD, a cinch,
Along with Karloff's lovely Grinch.
To make the sequel more than paltry,
Why not starring Roger Daltry?



I love that darling singing pommy,
Who starred in that rock opera Tommy.
If you'd prefer a diff'rent fellow,
How about Abbott and Costello?




If Bud and Lou will still cause friction,
Why not try some science fiction?
'Cause when Jim Carrey leaves you bored,
Instead we'd have a smart Time Lord.
Mike Myers and Carrey are smart alecks,
But Doctor Who can kill the Daleks!

Another movie starring Jim,

Is a prospect that I find quite grim.

But a worse thing that could bring on frowns,

Would be success for Meet the Browns.

So while Jim's hit is awfully scary,

At least it held off Tyler Perry.

I'm finished now with all my snarlings.

So I'll just sign-off cheers my darlings.