Gorgeous George

George Burns used to end his shows by saying to his wonderful, funny, funny wife, "Say goodnight, Gracie." But comic genius Gracie Allen never said "Say goodnight George." However, sadly tonight we must "Say goodnight George." for George Carlin, arguably the greatest stand-up comic of the second half of the 20th Century, after his friend, mentor, and fellow arrestee Lenny Bruce (They were arrested together. Isn't that touching?), has left the planet permanently.


George was it! An original. A brilliant wordsmith. An iconoclastic thinker. And just damn funny. I know a hell of a lot of comedians. I don't know one who doesn't revere George.


No point in holding religious services. George was a famous and loud atheist. He was just too smart to fall for The God Lie. In fact, he was just too damn smart, period. Although best known for hard-hitting satirical jibes that skewered mankind's illogic, he could be just plain silly, as in his famous Hippy-Dippy Weatherman character, which carried the unmistakable traces of his days as a disc jockey. Here's one of my favorite silly jokes of his, which he told on The Ed Sullivan Show: "The Beatles' latest record, when played backwards at slow speed, says 'Dummy! You're playing it backwards at slow speed!"


His most famous routine was The Seven Dirty Words You Can Never Say on Television. The words were: Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits. Later he added: Fart, Turd, and Twat. I guess Asshole just wasn't filthy enough.


Of course, Motherfucker is just a long version of Fuck, but George said he needed it for the rhythm. Besides, if he'd cut it (For, say, Jism.), his mother would have felt left-out.


These days, you can say Tits, Piss, Fart and Turd on TV if they are essential to the plot. And Balls, in it's anatomical meaning, is said on TV roughly a hundred times a day. Progress is our most-important product. We're catching up with you, George. If you'd lived, you'd need to revise the piece.


George was a World-Class Bullshit detector. He spotted it, identified it, and made you laugh about it.


Goodbye George. Thanks for all the laughs. This cocksucking old cunt, with her low-swinging tits, will miss the fuck out of you. You were one funny motherfucker. I'm getting shit-faced in your honor. T'wat's that all about, anyway?


Since you knew no God created you, may I just say, you were one hell of an accidental confluence of chemicals. You were one of Randomness's best works.


Cheers darlings.